u/pappy_odaniels

Hello all, I hope you are well! (TL;DR at the bottom)

I am a client, new to the scene. I'm 26 and I am becoming desparate for romantic connection. I had a bad time romantically in high school, got fed up with dating in general, and honestly I started to kinda hate women and resent romantic connection in general. In the last couple of years though I've started to take a closer look at my life, worldview, and attitudes and I've realized that I had an over-idealized fantasy of relationships that I am now trying to ground in reality.

I am trying to build a personal life that I am happy with while also leaving myself open to connection, and I believe (without any experience in relationships, I've never had a girlfriend and I've only been on a few dates) that a healthy relationship is one of mutual co-operation. The intensity of love passes, sex is better with communication, sure, but mutual trust and respect are things that must be tended and, if attended to, will grow over time. I feel like this leads to a sort of affection that we may regard as love, but which is much MUCH stronger. Of course, I think this while alone, never having had this sort of conversation with a woman lol.

In any event, I haven't had sex since I lost my virginity 8 years ago. I'm super self-consious about my sexual performance, and I'm also over-fixated on sex in general (I have to take responsibility for myself and my life, so im not placing blame, but I feel it is necessary to mention my conservative upringing)--this makes it difficult to flirt and try to develop connections genuinely because I'm so shy lol. I was raised in southern WV where anything sexual is super taboo so I'm kinda uncomfortable even thinking about it. I think I'm ashamed of my sexuality and I'm trying to get comfortable with expressing it in a healthy way.

So I decided to hire an escort because I was sexually inexperienced and wanted to be more comfortable with sex and, in turn, be less self-consious around women because I would be more comfortable/familiar with sex. That way, with sex on the mind (which is unavoidable around attractive women) I hoped I would be more comfortable flirting.

So I hired an absolutely gorgeous woman (as are you all lol) but had difficulty performing. Of course, she was professional and I'm very thankful that there was minimal shame/embarrassment, but more than that, I'm glad it happened that way because I realised I was addicted to porn/masturbation and that experience showed me that I need to fucking stop lol!

So in summation and more to the point:

Tl;dr: Hired an escort due to serious sexual inexperience, had a great time worshipping her amazing body despite lack of performance, amd now I'm in a quandary trying to make sense of the situation and how I should move forward with developing a non-transactional romantic relationship organically

P.S. to be clear: a healthy relationship depends on the people involved and a transactional relationship is not necessarily unhealthy.

P.S.S. I used to be a landscaper and absolutely hated having to mow the lawn/weed the garden when I got home, so I imagine Escorts who offer GFE services are similarly disinterested in romance/kissing/sex when they get home which initally makes me sad, but then I realise that romance/kissing/sex is seriously lacking in my life, which is why I value it so highly, but since it's just a job for you guys, it isn't special in any way anymore 🤷‍♂️

All in all, I just wanted to share my experience and ask for any sort of input that you all may have (perhaps this is the wrong subreddit lol)