u/paygamer

I've seen a lot of dommes posting here asking questions about how to make memorable and addictive FinDom sessions, or being unsure how to conduct them. I've been a finsub for 15 years and have sessioned with dozens of findommes so I thought I'd write up a little how-to guide to help give an idea on what I feel works best. These are tricks and tips I've seen dommes use over my decade and a half in this kink.

~ Embrace the hustler mindset

For a lot of finsubs, the fetish is rooted in the fantasy of being hustled. Successful strippers know that the best time to ask for a tip is when the patron is at peak arousal, and a lot of guys secretly enjoy this. Findom is the act of drawing out this tactic and making it the centerpiece of the experience, in a way that's exciting but controlled enough to be ethical. The best findommes are the ones who understand how to make a session feel dangerous, but will show enough restraint that the sub won't be entirely ruined. When a domme earns a sub's trust, the sub will be more inclined to surrender control to her if he trusts that she can keep the dynamic sustainable.

~ It's about control

Yes, we know Reddit dommes love to get those silents sends and be spoiled by subs without having to ask for it, but if that's all that interests you, I recommend finding a sugar daddy. A finsub wants to be dominated. For many subs, the sending isn't the fun part. The fun part is the moment were he feels he MUST send. A finsub is seeking a dynamic where he's giving up his personal agency, and is craving a domme who will squeeze him, drain him, make him hand over all he's got. Passive dommes and sugar babies who won't put any pressure out won't appeal to subs craving this kind of control.

~ Be interactive

To capture a sub's interest, a domme needs to give him something bounce off of. Ask a question, engage him. Many subs are most interested in a domme's attention, so keeping up frequent banter helps keep the energy between the two of them flowing. Try to respond promptly; when subs have to wait a long time for a reply, they often get bored, and when they do get a response, much of the energy is lost and the session doesn't progress they way it should. Satiating a sub's need for attention is the first step to making him infatuated.

~ Approach FinDom the same way you would approach any sado-masochistic activity

As many people in S&M scenes know, a person's pain threshold is not fixed. The pain you can normally tolerate can be increased when in the right mental state, and a good domme can help adjust that mental state. Entrancing the sub with soothing words, weakening him, or sexually arousing him can increase a sub's tolerance for pain, whether it be being thrashed with a flogger in a dungeon or having his wallet drained in the comfort of his own home. The same subs who would scoff at randomly being asked to hand over $100 at a moment's notice might feel very different when pulled into subspace at a domme's command. A domme should set a mood first, and use the sub's headspace to her advantage. Just because three digits is too much to send now, doesn't mean it always will be. Dedicated finsubs are selective of when they send.

~ It's a two-way power exchange

FinDom sessions work best when a sub has something to struggle against. Think of a FinDom session as a game of tug-of-war. The sub is already debating in his mind whether engaging in this fetish is something that he should be doing, and often want the domme to be the one to talk him into it. Yes, plenty of subs will send on their own, without the domme's intervention, but without a struggle, the highs of this can be fleeting. There's a cathartic bliss that comes from losing a fight against a domme. The loss creates more powerful emotions, and the high feels more earned. You can inflict deeper feelings of submission in a sub if you make him feel that his struggle was noble, sincere, hard-fought, but still lost because you are simply more powerful. Make a sub feel like his defeat to you wasn't his fault, and he will love you for it.

~ Limits are to be explored

This is dangerous territory, because many subs have trouble with self-restraint. In very deep dynamics with high levels of trust between domme and sub, the domme has a heavy hand in helping guide the sub's limits. Many dommes of Reddit recommend discussing the sub's budget first. Personally, I feel this discussion needs to happen very subtly because once a budget is explicitly set, much of the mystery of the session then becomes damaged or lost.

This doesn't mean you should be unethical. I prefer the bartender analogy for explaining this: an ethical bartender cuts a patron off if he shows he cannot handle his alcohol. But an ethical bartender does NOT ask every patron who enters his establishment what his limit is before he's had a single drink. That is insulting to the patron and leaves him feeling that the provider of his vice is playing parent.

Likewise, a findomme who expects a sub to commit to a budget before the session has begun is putting unnecessary pressure on the sub to commit to a certain spending level that he hasn't yet decided upon, and is also preventing the sub from exploring limits and letting the session unfold organically. Many may disagree, but I personally feel a better way to keep a FinDom session responsible and ethical is for the domme to gently explore the sub's limits incrementally. Challenging the sub to gradually reach certain thresholds (can you handle a $20 send? Can you handle a $50 send? etc.) provides the sub plenty of opportunities to halt the session if it goes too far without making him feel obligated to reach his preset limit if for whatever reason he doesn't want to.

This isn't just for his safety- it can actually add the to excitement for the tribute amounts to rise gradually. Suspense and anticipation are powerful emotions that a domme can use to her advantage. Letting a sub work his way up to a triple-digit send can make it feel far more satisfying than if she were to press for it right off the bat. And, it's safer for the sub if he has time to decide if it's really what he wants to do.

~ There is power in mystery

A sub feels weaker when he is made to feel blind, and that his domme is his sole source of guidance. A FinDom session should feel like an exploration of an uncharted land for the sub. Another reason I am opposed to setting a hard budget before a session is that the session will feel more powerful if the sub doesn't know how far his domme will make him fall. A FinDom session is more addictive if the sub doesn't know how much he is going to spend. A domme who can make the sub feel that she is in control, and will responsibly guide him through every challenge he encounters has the best chance of endearing herself to him and making him crave more of her control in the future. Make every session feel like a present that must be unwrapped, and the element of the unknown will make it far more appealing.

A strategy I saw one domme use during first time sessions that works very well for dommes who don't know their sub's spending limits was to tell the sub that she wants three tributes from him. For the first, she would request only $10- this worked for finding out if he is indeed a payer and not a timewaster. But this worked on another level- it created a sense of mystery. The sub is now wondering how much she will want for the second and third tributes. He has to wait for her to request those, asserting the domme's control over him and establishing a sense of mystery. At the same time, this strategy gives the domme a chance to read the sub more deeply. She can test his reaction to being asked to pay the first tribute and use that to decide how much she should request for the second and third.

As she slowly escalates the requests, she can read him better with each send. If he pays all three, she can then move on to a different interaction, but much will be established if she successfully keeps him under control for three consecutive tributes.

~ Bridge the gap between fantasy and reality

For many subs, FinDom is a fantasy that they feel very apprehensive about pursuing for real. For some, they play in small amounts while imagining going far deeper. Dommes who understand and encourage this can take greater control of a sub's mind. A tactic I've seen some dommes use is to tell the sub to imagine sending a very large amount. (“Close your eyes and imagine sending me $500” “stroke and picture yourself dropping $1,000 at my feet” “think how it would feel to blow thousands in one session.”) This can often give the sub an adrenaline spike that can more easily put the sub the right headspace for the domme. If he wasn't planning to spend an amount like that, he's considering it now. If he can't currently afford an amount like that, he'll be more likely to approach her as soon as he can because he'll remember how she made him feel. Even if he never does, just the fantasy can ignite his desires and make him more open to spending an amount he can afford.

~ Mind games are a powerful weapon

To break down a sub to make him more compliant, his mind must be weakened. Dommes have a lot of tools at their disposal to do this. Pictures are effective, but faceless dommes must get more creative. One such tool they can use is playing mind games. If a sub has established his max budget, ethically, a domme cannot ethically push for more than that. But, if she toys with the idea of making him send more, the fear can be a powerful tool to making him as weak as possible. One masterful game I witnessed happened in a session where I had established my max budget at $500.

A domme made the following command: “go to my tribute button. Type a one... add a zero.... add a zero... add a zero... now move your finger over the send button...” and I'm starting to panic at this point, terrified she will make me send 4 figures, but then she adds “now press backspace and hit send.”

The way my heart was pounding in in that moment shook me! It was only $100 after hitting the backspace button, but it felt like so much more the way she'd toyed with my mind in that moment. That adrenaline rush had me going back to that domme again and again because I never knew what she would make me do next.

~ Exercise restraint

A domme must have a sense of restraint during a FinDom session, and not just for ethical purposes. If a domme is always pushing for more, more, more, the impact of a powerful send can wear off from overuse. Timing, and instilling a sense of patience is key to keeping a sub disciplined. In addition, if the sub doesn't feel the domme will exercise any restraint, responsible subs will start to mind their own limits, and that will prevent them from properly surrendering to their domme's will. This ends up costing the domme control over the sub. In the ideal FinDom dynamic, the sub is able to trust the domme when to start, AND when to stop. Choosing her own stopping points might reduce some of her income from individual sessions, but it will build trust and make for greater longevity for the dynamic if she often leaves her sub wanting more.

Of course, at some point, the sub may desire an orgasm. A domme may wish to deny, but if too much denial is a boundary for the sub in question, she may wish to allow the orgasm. If she does-

~ Always make a sub pay to cum

The moment before orgasm is when a sub is weakest. A good findomme takes full advantage of this. Always request the largest tribute of the session at this moment. Something intense, but manageable. When the sub associates cumming with paying, and more importantly, when the sub associates intense pleasure with paying HER, the domme has him in her bag.

These are no means universal rules, but I have seen them prove effective many times. FinDom is more effective when used in tandem with a sub's other pleasures, and a domme who can train her sub to associate pleasure with paying has the best chance of training an obedient finpet. It's important to be creative. Every domme should have a few tricks she invented herself, that is how you make yourself unique. Consider different ways to combine FinDom with other pleasurable activities, and create a method unique to you. Do this effectively enough, and your subs won't be able to get enough of you.

Good luck!

I've seen a lot of dommes posting here asking questions about how to make memorable and addictive FinDom sessions, or being unsure how to conduct them. I've been a finsub for 15 years and have sessioned with dozens of findommes so I thought I'd write up a little how-to guide to help give an idea on what I feel works best. These are tricks and tips I've seen dommes use over my decade and a half in this kink.

~ Embrace the hustler mindset

For a lot of finsubs, the fetish is rooted in the fantasy of being hustled. Successful strippers know that the best time to ask for a tip is when the patron is at peak arousal, and a lot of guys secretly enjoy this. Findom is the act of drawing out this tactic and making it the centerpiece of the experience, in a way that's exciting but controlled enough to be ethical. The best findommes are the ones who understand how to make a session feel dangerous, but will show enough restraint that the sub won't be entirely ruined. When a domme earns a sub's trust, the sub will be more inclined to surrender control to her if he trusts that she can keep the dynamic sustainable.

~ It's about control

Yes, we know Reddit dommes love to get those silents sends and be spoiled by subs without having to ask for it, but if that's all that interests you, I recommend finding a sugar daddy. A finsub wants to be dominated. For many subs, the sending isn't the fun part. The fun part is the moment were he feels he MUST send. A finsub is seeking a dynamic where he's giving up his personal agency, and is craving a domme who will squeeze him, drain him, make him hand over all he's got. Passive dommes and sugar babies who won't put any pressure out won't appeal to subs craving this kind of control.

~ Be interactive

To capture a sub's interest, a domme needs to give him something bounce off of. Ask a question, engage him. Many subs are most interested in a domme's attention, so keeping up frequent banter helps keep the energy between the two of them flowing. Try to respond promptly; when subs have to wait a long time for a reply, they often get bored, and when they do get a response, much of the energy is lost and the session doesn't progress they way it should. Satiating a sub's need for attention is the first step to making him infatuated.

~ Approach FinDom the same way you would approach any sado-masochistic activity

As many people in S&M scenes know, a person's pain threshold is not fixed. The pain you can normally tolerate can be increased when in the right mental state, and a good domme can help adjust that mental state. Entrancing the sub with soothing words, weakening him, or sexually arousing him can increase a sub's tolerance for pain, whether it be being thrashed with a flogger in a dungeon or having his wallet drained in the comfort of his own home. The same subs who would scoff at randomly being asked to hand over $100 at a moment's notice might feel very different when pulled into subspace at a domme's command. A domme should set a mood first, and use the sub's headspace to her advantage. Just because three digits is too much to send now, doesn't mean it always will be. Dedicated finsubs are selective of when they send.

~ It's a two-way power exchange

FinDom sessions work best when a sub has something to struggle against. Think of a FinDom session as a game of tug-of-war. The sub is already debating in his mind whether engaging in this fetish is something that he should be doing, and often want the domme to be the one to talk him into it. Yes, plenty of subs will send on their own, without the domme's intervention, but without a struggle, the highs of this can be fleeting. There's a cathartic bliss that comes from losing a fight against a domme. The loss creates more powerful emotions, and the high feels more earned. You can inflict deeper feelings of submission in a sub if you make him feel that his struggle was noble, sincere, hard-fought, but still lost because you are simply more powerful. Make a sub feel like his defeat to you wasn't his fault, and he will love you for it.

~ Limits are to be explored

This is dangerous territory, because many subs have trouble with self-restraint. In very deep dynamics with high levels of trust between domme and sub, the domme has a heavy hand in helping guide the sub's limits. Many dommes of Reddit recommend discussing the sub's budget first. Personally, I feel this discussion needs to happen very subtly because once a budget is explicitly set, much of the mystery of the session then becomes damaged or lost.

This doesn't mean you should be unethical. I prefer the bartender analogy for explaining this: an ethical bartender cuts a patron off if he shows he cannot handle his alcohol. But an ethical bartender does NOT ask every patron who enters his establishment what his limit is before he's had a single drink. That is insulting to the patron and leaves him feeling that the provider of his vice is playing parent.

Likewise, a findomme who expects a sub to commit to a budget before the session has begun is putting unnecessary pressure on the sub to commit to a certain spending level that he hasn't yet decided upon, and is also preventing the sub from exploring limits and letting the session unfold organically. Many may disagree, but I personally feel a better way to keep a FinDom session responsible and ethical is for the domme to gently explore the sub's limits incrementally. Challenging the sub to gradually reach certain thresholds (can you handle a $20 send? Can you handle a $50 send? etc.) provides the sub plenty of opportunities to halt the session if it goes too far without making him feel obligated to reach his preset limit if for whatever reason he doesn't want to.

This isn't just for his safety- it can actually add the to excitement for the tribute amounts to rise gradually. Suspense and anticipation are powerful emotions that a domme can use to her advantage. Letting a sub work his way up to a triple-digit send can make it feel far more satisfying than if she were to press for it right off the bat. And, it's safer for the sub if he has time to decide if it's really what he wants to do.

~ There is power in mystery

A sub feels weaker when he is made to feel blind, and that his domme is his sole source of guidance. A FinDom session should feel like an exploration of an uncharted land for the sub. Another reason I am opposed to setting a hard budget before a session is that the session will feel more powerful if the sub doesn't know how far his domme will make him fall. A FinDom session is more addictive if the sub doesn't know how much he is going to spend. A domme who can make the sub feel that she is in control, and will responsibly guide him through every challenge he encounters has the best chance of endearing herself to him and making him crave more of her control in the future. Make every session feel like a present that must be unwrapped, and the element of the unknown will make it far more appealing.

A strategy I saw one domme use during first time sessions that works very well for dommes who don't know their sub's spending limits was to tell the sub that she wants three tributes from him. For the first, she would request only $10- this worked for finding out if he is indeed a payer and not a timewaster. But this worked on another level- it created a sense of mystery. The sub is now wondering how much she will want for the second and third tributes. He has to wait for her to request those, asserting the domme's control over him and establishing a sense of mystery. At the same time, this strategy gives the domme a chance to read the sub more deeply. She can test his reaction to being asked to pay the first tribute and use that to decide how much she should request for the second and third.

As she slowly escalates the requests, she can read him better with each send. If he pays all three, she can then move on to a different interaction, but much will be established if she successfully keeps him under control for three consecutive tributes.

~ Bridge the gap between fantasy and reality

For many subs, FinDom is a fantasy that they feel very apprehensive about pursuing for real. For some, they play in small amounts while imagining going far deeper. Dommes who understand and encourage this can take greater control of a sub's mind. A tactic I've seen some dommes use is to tell the sub to imagine sending a very large amount. (“Close your eyes and imagine sending me $500” “stroke and picture yourself dropping $1,000 at my feet” “think how it would feel to blow thousands in one session.”) This can often give the sub an adrenaline spike that can more easily put the sub the right headspace for the domme. If he wasn't planning to spend an amount like that, he's considering it now. If he can't currently afford an amount like that, he'll be more likely to approach her as soon as he can because he'll remember how she made him feel. Even if he never does, just the fantasy can ignite his desires and make him more open to spending an amount he can afford.

~ Mind games are a powerful weapon

To break down a sub to make him more compliant, his mind must be weakened. Dommes have a lot of tools at their disposal to do this. Pictures are effective, but faceless dommes must get more creative. One such tool they can use is playing mind games. If a sub has established his max budget, ethically, a domme cannot ethically push for more than that. But, if she toys with the idea of making him send more, the fear can be a powerful tool to making him as weak as possible. One masterful game I witnessed happened in a session where I had established my max budget at $500.

A domme made the following command: “go to my tribute button. Type a one... add a zero.... add a zero... add a zero... now move your finger over the send button...” and I'm starting to panic at this point, terrified she will make me send 4 figures, but then she adds “now press backspace and hit send.”

The way my heart was pounding in in that moment shook me! It was only $100 after hitting the backspace button, but it felt like so much more the way she'd toyed with my mind in that moment. That adrenaline rush had me going back to that domme again and again because I never knew what she would make me do next.

~ Exercise restraint

A domme must have a sense of restraint during a FinDom session, and not just for ethical purposes. If a domme is always pushing for more, more, more, the impact of a powerful send can wear off from overuse. Timing, and instilling a sense of patience is key to keeping a sub disciplined. In addition, if the sub doesn't feel the domme will exercise any restraint, responsible subs will start to mind their own limits, and that will prevent them from properly surrendering to their domme's will. This ends up costing the domme control over the sub. In the ideal FinDom dynamic, the sub is able to trust the domme when to start, AND when to stop. Choosing her own stopping points might reduce some of her income from individual sessions, but it will build trust and make for greater longevity for the dynamic if she often leaves her sub wanting more.

Of course, at some point, the sub may desire an orgasm. A domme may wish to deny, but if too much denial is a boundary for the sub in question, she may wish to allow the orgasm. If she does-

~ Always make a sub pay to cum

The moment before orgasm is when a sub is weakest. A good findomme takes full advantage of this. Always request the largest tribute of the session at this moment. Something intense, but manageable. When the sub associates cumming with paying, and more importantly, when the sub associates intense pleasure with paying HER, the domme has him in her bag.

These are no means universal rules, but I have seen them prove effective many times. FinDom is more effective when used in tandem with a sub's other pleasures, and a domme who can train her sub to associate pleasure with paying has the best chance of training an obedient finpet. It's important to be creative. Every domme should have a few tricks she invented herself, that is how you make yourself unique. Consider different ways to combine FinDom with other pleasurable activities, and create a method unique to you. Do this effectively enough, and your subs won't be able to get enough of you.

Good luck!