r/PoiseReclaimsFindom

We often see misogyny and misandry sexualized in kink spaces. For some people, the taboo itself is part of the turn-on. Consensual *hate play, degradation, humiliation….whatever two informed adults negotiate-is *one thing.

But I’ve been thinking about something different:

What happens when the hatred isn’t just play?

How does genuine misogyny or misandry coexist with a connection-based D/s relationship built on trust, safety, communication, vulnerability, aftercare, and actually caring about the person on the other side of the dynamic?

I don’t think it can.

You cannot truly be safe with someone who hates what you are. You cannot sustainably lead, serve, protect, surrender to, or become vulnerable with someone who fundamentally holds you in contempt.

And that distinction matters to Me.

I understand that some people enjoy session-based hate play. It isn’t particularly my cup of tea, but it doesn’t have to be. I can hold space for someone else’s consensual kink without personally understanding or desiring it.

In fact, I think consensual hate play can work precisely because actual care and consent exist underneath it. “I hate you” can be part of the fantasy while “your boundaries matter to Me” remains true outside of it.

Actual hatred is different and I’d caution others to be wary of that, when selecting a Dominant or a submissive.

When genuine contempt enters a connection-based dynamic, I think it creates disharmony rather than intimacy. If you’re trying to cultivate something long-term, I don’t see how hatred of your partner’s sex can coexist indefinitely with the trust that kind of relationship requires.

And this is also where some expressions of “misandry” in FemDom spaces lose me.

I’ll sometimes see rhetoric about dismantling patriarchy used alongside behavior that dismisses, violates, or trivializes a man’s consent because he’s a man or because he’s submissive.

I cannot reconcile those positions.

If your objection to patriarchy is the abuse of power, recreating that abuse with a woman holding the reins isn’t liberation. It’s the same ethical failure with a different person in charge.

Changing who possesses unchecked power doesn’t solve the ethical problem of unchecked power.

As a woman and a Dominant, I have no interest in taking the aspects of patriarchal power that I find harmful and imposing them on individual men as some form of recompense for a structural problem. The man submitting to me did not personally create patriarchy and in many ways, he’s also harmed by it. His consent does not become less important because I’m the woman holding authority.

If anything, being entrusted with power gives me more responsibility for how I use it, not less.

That doesn’t make dominance soft. It doesn’t mean we can’t play with cruelty, degradation, objectification, hatred, inequality, or any number of darker fantasies when everyone involved genuinely wants that.

But fantasy and conviction are not the same thing.

You can play with hate while caring deeply about the person you’re playing with. I don’t believe you can build genuine emotional safety while actually hating them.

I’m curious where everyone else draws that line.

Do misogyny and misandry have a legitimate place as consensual erotic taboos? Do you enjoy hate play specifically because it isn’t reflective of how you actually feel about your partner? Or do some of you genuinely incorporate real-world misandry or misogyny into your relationships and find that it works?

Where does fantasy end and genuine contempt begin for you?

A Domme doesn't necessarily feel happiness because you bought her, for example, skincare. She feels happy because you thought of buying her skincare and there is a huge difference.

It was never really about the skincare, it was the fact that you were going through your day, and somewhere in the middle of everything you had going on , she crossed your mind and you thought, she might love this.

That is what brings happiness.

This goes so much deeper than skincare.

The coffee send you make as a little surprise, remembering something she said two weeks ago or sending a message saying "I know today was important, how did it go?"

It isn't about the grand gestures, it's about knowing that even though they are not standing right in front of you, they still exist in your thoughts.

Sometimes the most powerful way to say you are important is simply...I thought of you.

Was invited and I like the higher level of discourse here. But also, sometimes I just like a quick and dirty session, free of any need to think. Is that a turn off to this crowd?

I know I’m supposed to introduce myself but I have an about me I’d just cut and paste anyway until I get a better feel for this.

Before you may kneel

You must be cracked open wide

Initiation

Is that soft, sweet, warm feeling that you get from having them near you.

Just the ability to reach over and grab. To giggle as you look at them. The joy of having them in your mouth.

That's it. That's all I want.

Fresh baked sugar cookies 🤭

*I wrote this story a year and a half ago.... and I wanted to share it once more. I hope you all enjoy. I also made a 2nd part, but I cant find it. Ill have to look for it. In the meantime, however, I hope that you enjoy. ☺️*

The sound of cars rushing behind me filled my ears. It was a busy restaurant afterall, and many people wanted a spot at this place. But I had a spot, and that spot was a date with a colleague of mine.

We had passed each other in the hallway of the lab we worked in several times I had always given her this look of wonder. Sadly I had only ever caught looks at her in the hall before, as I worked IT for the lab and never got to go into the special projects area where she worked. Honestly, I wondered why they even have an IT department of our size, as they never let us work in the labs. I sighed this morning as she passed by.

"Such a gorgeous woman and you're still too cowardly to say anything." I thought to myself. I was right anxiety held me back from just doing what I wanted to do.

I slumped down onto the hallway floor. The scientists had presumably gone to work in their labs, so the area was silent. I sit there, head hung low, wondering if I'll ever have the energy to chase her. All I ever do is let the opportunity pass by. Walking away in the sleak pair of heels she always wears, ahh such a majestic click click click

"Are you okay?" The voice shocked me and pulled me out of my trance. I looked up and there she was, the scientist of my dreams standing there before me. I quickly tried to stand but she motioned for me to keep seated, yet she stayed standing before me.

"I saw you across the hall, you're that boy who's always looking at me in the mornings right?" I blushed at this. "Damn, she knew this who time," I thought to myself.

"Well I'm so sorry it's that you're so beautiful and I couldn't control myself, aghh I'm so sor..." she placed a finger on my lips and knelt down to eye level with me. "I didn't ask you all of that, yes or no is all I want, boy." Her words were deliberate and slow... all I could do is reply as she commanded

"Yes" I said meekly. "Good, don't be ashamed of your impulses either. I saw you looking, and I know you liked what you saw... so embrace your impulses." Her words were almost hypnotic.

At that point she gave me her card and then told me to meet here at the restaurant right outside the lab. It was such a classy place where the executives and scientists would go to eat, way out of my league. I stepped inside the place and the waiter saw me. He immediately directed me to a table in the back corner, somewhat isolated where she was sitting. She wore the most incredible black dress I could ever imagine. It perfectly accentuated every aspect of her. I couldn't believe that I managed to land a date with her.

I sat down at the table, and she greeted me with a warm smile. "You're here, good. See, you did good following your desire." She said this warmly, her words inviting themselves into my mind. We chatted up and down about the goings on in the world, well she talked and I listened mostly. One thing that struck me as odd was this pen she had in her hair. It seemed out of place for such a formal place. And strangly enough it kept reflecting light into my eyes, even when I didn't move at all. It was strange but I was too captivated by the woman to say anything.

The bill came and the waiter placed it next to me. It was ludicrously expensive. Over $300 just between the two of us. I looked up at her, and she looked me in the eyes. "What are you afraid of?" she asked me slowly and empathetically. "The bill it's too much for me to handle, maybe I'm not..." she cut me off, "You're not the man for me? No.. I won't listen to that" She said before getting up from her seat and coming over to my side of the table.

"You're so afraid of not being enough for me, but you have nothing to be afraid of." You need to let go and follow your desires. This is your path, now follow it for me." Her gaze was fixed with mine at this point. I was fully in her control. Her words bounced around in the back of my mind repeating themselves. "Follow your desire, don't be afraid."

I placed my hand into my pocket and pulled out my wallet. I opened it, her eyes guiding me to the card. I placed it on the table... and gave into my desire to be enough for her. -$300 was added to my ledger along with a -$60 for the staff. I had done it. I let go of fear and self doubt, and I just let myself be enough. She smiled, realizing that I had finally done so, and with that she told me to meet her in an designer shoe store tomorrow. To which I agreed without question.

As I walked back out into the parking lot I began to ponder. "This is insane. I just spent so much on dinner and now to buy her designer shoes tomorrow." And yet when I thought this, I didn't feel bad at all. the thoughts in the back of my mind lingered, and I let those anxieties wash away. I had done something and let go of fear. I was finally hers.

I caught a glimpse of her through the outside window. She was smiling and I couldn't quite see her too well, but I thought I caught a glimpse of something. I could swear... that she was taking notes.

Something I enjoy partaking in and something I notice is missing in the broader community- is genuine debate.

We see unhinged fights often, but we don’t always see a clean representation of what debate actually looks like.

There is an art to respectfully engaging with differences of opinion…not necessarily to reach agreement, but to bridge gaps in understanding and broaden our own perspectives. The subject matter and ideas are critiqued without resorting to mudslinging or attacking someone’s appearance, intelligence, or character simply because they disagree.

I refer to it as an art because I think it requires quite a few personal and interpersonal skills to wield properly: an open mind, a regulated nervous system, emotional intelligence, intellectual curiosity, and a willingness to update your opinions when presented with new information.

Now, don’t get Me wrong- I can spar. I think most of us can. 😂 But there is a difference between combat and debate, and I’m usually seeing the former.

When it comes to differences of opinion, expressions of Dominance and submission, ethics, relationship structures, or any of the other wonderfully contentious subjects surrounding kink, it would be refreshing to see more people capable of holding space for multiple truths existing simultaneously.
Understanding someone’s perspective does not require adopting it.

Two people can walk away from a conversation still disagreeing while understanding one another better than they did when they entered it. I’d argue that’s a successful debate.

Hot-button subjects could be a lot more interesting… and frankly, a lot more fun- to engage with if disagreement didn’t so routinely escalate into outright war.

This space and a few others, tend to be an exception. There seems to be a different echelon of mindset here that fosters discussion, nuance, and activation of the frontal lobe. 😂🧠

What are your thoughts? Is this something you’ve noticed too? What separates a good-faith debate from an argument to you?