u/Queen_Sorsha

My biggest turn-ons as a findomme are:

Enthusiastic sending (I like a mix of commanded and surprise sends, but the point is not being hesitant or resistant to the act of sending). Love it especially when they beg to send and tell me how bad they want to hit the send button. When I tell them to send and they ask if they can please send more or again. 🔥 When they understand that sending is not transactional, but an expression of worship and submission.

A genuine desire to please me. Centering my pleasure. When my sub gets pleasure from pleasing me. When they know their place. When they understand it's their job to make my life easier and more pleasurable, and when they take their job very seriously.

Trainability, malleability. A desire to be guided, molded and shaped by me. When they seek and are grateful for my correction and constructive feedback. Fast learners with humility. Swift obedience as an expression of deep submission. High effort.

Good conversationalists. Clear, direct communicators. Literacy skills. The ability to read, retain (and, when necessary, apply) what they've read. Specifically being good at the art of *written* conversation.

Intelligence, quick wit, puns and word play, intellectual connection. Sapiosexuals. Cerebral foreplay. Playfulness. Mental stimulation. A good sense of humor. Depth.

Consistency. Devotion. Dedication. When being mine and serving me gives them a sense of purpose and a reason to grow, do the inner work, reach their goals and level up. When they allow me to be the catalyst for their self improvement/self actualization. Fucking HOT.

When their actions speak louder than their words, in a good way. Follow through. Dependability. Accountability. Reliability. When they're action-oriented.

Respect. Especially for my time and energy. Not just when it suits them. All the time. Honesty (which I see as being under the umbrella of respect).

Vulnerability. Authenticity. When they show up with their full selves and be real with me rather than wearing some 2 dimensional performative mask, being what they think I want them to be, or saying what they think I want to hear. When they let me in. When they let me see who they really are. When they're raw and genuine.

Loyalty. When they fiercely madly truly want to serve me and only me. When they feel that typa way about me. When it's all-encompassing, earned and cultivated, not just for show. When it's not obligatory but heartfelt and chosen.

When they have the ability to say no. When they are capable of safewording when appropriate. When they know their own limits and can communicate them effectively as needed. This is part of being a good submissive. When I can trust them to be able to do that, it gives me the freedom to lean more deeply into my dominance.

When they consistently show up for their part in the collaborative project of building trust and nurturing/deepening our connection over time. When connecting with them feels like a joy. When it flows, rather than feeling one-sided, like trying to pry open an oyster, like talking to a brick wall, or like pulling teeth. When they are capable of having and maintaining a deep, multilayered, spicy, sendy connection with me long term. The best!

To tribute or not to tribute. It's certainly nuanced. I don't think there's one right or best way to handle the initial tribute thing. The beauty of findom is that each domme gets to decide how *she* wants to do things. It's about what pleases and works/feels best for her. What that looks like for one domme may be different from the next, and that's totally okay. 

My opinion is this: however a domme decides she wants to be approached should be made crystal clear and posted in obvious places. This allows prospective subs to know what her expectations and protocols are so they can make informed decisions about whether or not to engage. 

Then they can choose to tribute before they dm her (or not) depending on their preferences. And she can choose to ignore them (or not) according to how she decides she wants to conduct her findomming. 

I've tried it all kinds of ways, and I've found what works/feels best for me is requiring tribute before the first dm. If someone dms without tribute, I usually don't respond. If I do, I do not spend more than about 5 minutes talking to subs who have not sent. I'll explain why. 

Here's how I like to frame it: the initial tribute is not a commitment. It does not mean you're locked in, or suddenly owned. It's a show of respect, not complete and total submission before you've said a single word to each other. 

Tributing before reaching out shows respect for the time, effort, energy, and mental/emotional labor it takes for a findomme to determine whether or not a sub is a good fit; to decide whether she feels good about taking someone on. It's a financial investment that mirrors and balances her initial time/energy investment.

It also demonstrates that a potential sub is able and willing to send. This little hoop jump acts as a seive, helping to filter out the PREVALENT timewasters who message us without any intention of ever sending, who don't ever enjoy or get turned on by the act of sending - in other words: not actual finsubs. 

A tribute-first (or at least tribute-early) protocol excludes folks who aren't serious about trying to find a findomme they click with, who don't understand the kink, or who just want a few minutes of free attention from a beautiful woman on the internet so they can nut and then disappear. 

*Keep in mind that most of the people who dm us unfortunately tend to fall into this category.*

Depending how high a domme sets her initial tribute, a tribute-first protocol can also serve as a useful tool to weed out brokies who can't actually afford the kind of budget she prefers her finsubs to have. If a $50 initial tribute feels too steep, for example, that's probably by design. Some findommes are happy to engage with low budget, occasional, or coffee subs. Some are not.

A findomme with an established online presence usually has a ton of info about herself plastered all over the place. Finsubs can 'shop around' and make well-informed decisions about who they want to reach out to. They're not going in blind (unless they choose to, which in my view is disappointing, underwhelming, low effort behavior). 

Our profiles show off our personalities, domination styles, sense of humor, intellect, wit, creativity, expectations, protocols, limits and boundaries, likes and dislikes, kinks, uniqueness, usually our looks, and often exactly what we're looking for in a finsub. We have bios and pinned posts up for a reason.

Most finsubs by comparison have blank, brand new, or extremely minimal profiles. The reality is, we usually start off at an imbalance from the point of first contact when it comes to how much we know about each other. It's not the same as running into someone and striking up a conversation at your local cafe, bar or grocery store.

I think, in a perfect world, if a finsub messages a findomme it should be because there has already been a lot of consideration first and he's selected her from a thousand others as someone he feels excited about the idea of sending to and serving in a findom dynamic. He tributes and sends a thoughtful message because he's hoping to see if there's a genuine connection, and he's hoping she will find him worthy.

The way I see it, the first tribute gets the prospective sub a "getting to know you, let's evaluate you" conversation, kind of like a job interview. It's the most transactional thing I do as a findomme. Every send after that (if there are sends after that) is pure worship, an expression of devotion and submission that deepens and affirms the power dynamic.

That first send makes me feel like I *want* to give a sub enough of my attention in order to assess whether I'd like to take things further. In my view, when they tribute first they are putting their best foot forward and making a good impression on a findomme they're already pretty sure they wanna serve. 

That first send shows me they can pay attention to detail and follow simple instructions posted in places that are hard to miss. It demonstrates they are interested in meeting my standards and obediently following my protocols. To me, that feels like the bare minimum for someone who wants to become my submissive.

Spending five seconds looking at one post and then impulsively messaging a random findomme with no tribute, *especially if her bio or pinned posts indicate that she requires one,* hoping for an initial conversation "to see if we click fisrt before I send" = asking her to repeat herself. 

That is asking her to type out a whole bunch of information about herself that she has already made publicly available. And that is absolutely wasting her time. That shows a sub does not value her time or energy. That kind of behavior is lazy, low effort, demanding and entitled. You message a findomme to learn more about her - the stuff she hasn't already made obvious. 

Finsubs are not customers buying a service. True findommes are not desperate to find and keep subs. A sub should feel lucky to be given the honor of serving a findomme. He should be grateful to be found worthy of entering into a findomme's service. 

This is about centering the dominant's pleasure, not catering to the sub's whims like a vending machine. We are not kink dispensers. I like the tribute first protocol because it shows the sub knows his place. The finsub is not the prize. The findomme is. 

I think tributing first sets the power dynamic exactly where it needs to be from the very beginning. I don't think a finsub should approach a findomme as an equal. I think he should approach worshipfully, with reverence and respect, genuinely wanting to honor her and her time, because he's already done his due diligence and has a pretty good idea that she's someone he wants to submit to. 

If you send initial tribute, approach with respect, have a convo, and one or both of you ultimately decides you're not a good fit, that's ok. No hard feelings. It happens. You got to send to a hot dominant woman (which should be thrilling and pleasurable in and of itself if this is actually your kink), you got some attention from a hot dominant woman, and she didn't get her time wasted. Nobody has to walk away feeling salty. 

The first send is about respect. The *next* send, after you both decide you wanna take things to the next level, is about submission.

Sure there's doling out punishment, but there's also apology. How do y'all handle that aspect of your dynamics? I just sent this message to a sub of mine and figured it'd be good conversation fodder. (Feels like I'm teaching basic life skills tbh, good thing I get paid well to do it 🙄)

When you fuck up, it's really important that you apologize. Immediately when you realize you've fucked up. Before you launch into explanations about what happened and why you fucked up. It's important you take accountability, apologize, and include a message about how you understand how it affected/impacted me, or my day, or whatever is applicable.

Fucking up and not apologizing, (or needing to be commanded to apologize before you do) is waaaaaay worse and waaaaaay more annoying/upsetting to your Owner than fucking up and apologizing.

A full apology has several elements:

- Own your mistake/take accountability and responsibility (ideally right when you first notice you've made a mistake, of your own volition - do not wait until I point it out to you. If I have to do that I will be even more upset and it will likely feel to me like I'm having to repeat myself. Do not make me do the work of holding you accountable. Hold yourself accountable.)

- Articulate that you understand the specific impact(s) your mistake had on me. Be specific. Make sure I feel heard, seen, and understood.

- Say sorry/I apologize, and be specific about exactly what for. Be empathetic and sincere. Show genuine remorse.

- Send (ideally, if you have enough budget for it). I do strongly prefer it when an apology is accompanied by a send. It makes it feel more sincere and heartfelt (same as for compliments). I strongly prefer that you do this without being told to.

- Tell me what you're going to do/how you're planning on making sure it never happens again. If you need help brainstorming about this part, ask.

- Always follow your apology up with action, because an apology without changed behavior is just empty words and will inevitably result in my having to repeat myself again. The best apology is changed behavior.

(Then I told him to save this list so he can refer back to it as needed).

For the subs who find this unsexy... why? Does it remove some of the risk, the danger, the adrenaline rush that you've eroticized?

Is not knowing how much you might send to a domme ahead of time a big part of what makes it hot for you?

(This goes for setting a max limit ahead of a one-time drain session, as well as setting a max weekly or monthly sending limit for longer term dynamics.)

From my perspective, this can be part of how finances are controlled and dominated. I'd like to understand this better.