u/BellaBloomReal

In a dynamic, deliberate vulnerability – whether it is emotional, physical or psychological – is one of the key elements. Not just because the sub "naturally" offers their vulnerable side to the dominant, who receives it, but also because vulnerability can build a stronger connection and trust.

Vulnerability is very individual – some people love to send pictures, while others find it scary.
Some send endless voice notes and like phone calls, while others are shy and prefer texting.
There are those who like to share their emotional state, while others don't. There are so many different levels and forms of humiliation – what feels good to one person, might be too much for someone else.

Any offered form of vulnerability, whether it is physical or emotional, whether it is a picture, a voice note, a humiliating session or a confession, requires courage. It requires trust. And at the same time it creates more trust – as long as the dominant handles it correctly.

Any received form of vulnerability has to be handled with care. Offered vulnerability must be seen as a gift. If someone feels seen and accepted during vulnerable moments, they experience a deeper level of intimacy and trust. Sharing these moments publicly without consent is a violation. Taking advantage of the knowledge of someone's fears and secret desires is abuse. Judging or shaming someone retroactively is hurtful. A person who offers their vulnerability and receives dismissive behavior, won't offer it again. That's why talking is important. Aftercare. Limits. Consent.

A dynamic built on trust, where vulnerability is supported, is a place in which deeper material can be released and accessed. It becomes a safe space.

This is why it is not just about the play itself for most people. It's about exploring and accepting someone's vulnerable side to experience a different level of emotional intimacy that is difficult to achieve through ordinary interactions.

In a dynamic, deliberate vulnerability – whether it is emotional, physical or psychological – is one of the key elements. Not just because the sub "naturally" offers their vulnerable side to the dominant, who receives it, but also because vulnerability can build a stronger connection and trust.

Vulnerability is very individual – some people love to send pictures, while others find it scary.
Some send endless voice notes and like phone calls, while others are shy and prefer texting.
There are those who like to share their emotional state, while others don't. There are so many different levels and forms of humiliation – what feels good to one person, might be too much for someone else.

Any offered form of vulnerability, whether it is physical or emotional, whether it is a picture, a voice note, a humiliating session or a confession, requires courage. It requires trust. And at the same time it creates more trust – as long as the dominant handles it correctly.

Any received form of vulnerability has to be handled with care. Offered vulnerability must be seen as a gift. If someone feels seen and accepted during vulnerable moments, they experience a deeper level of intimacy and trust. Sharing these moments publicly without consent is a violation. Taking advantage of the knowledge of someone's fears and secret desires is abuse. Judging or shaming someone retroactively is hurtful. A person who offers their vulnerability and receives dismissive behavior, won't offer it again. That's why talking is important. Aftercare. Limits. Consent.

A dynamic built on trust, where vulnerability is supported, is a place in which deeper material can be released and accessed. It becomes a safe space.

This is why it is not just about the play itself for most people. It's about exploring and accepting someone's vulnerable side to experience a different level of emotional intimacy that is difficult to achieve through ordinary interactions.

I am going to quote an awesome musician and person now – just shortened it a bit (yes, really). I thought this is a statement, that some of you can relate to – or maybe it helps you to understand yourself / your life better. It definitely reminded me of the psychological reasons of why people want to submit – it is about finding the one right problem ...

Happiness does not depend on having no problems. Happiness is having the right problem. Most people ask the wrong question: How do I live without pain, suffering, difficulty and frustration? Instead we could ask "what pain, suffering, difficulty, frustration can I tolerate for the sake of something that I find deeply significant?"

It's actually a beautiful way to live, when you feel that you are living in devotion to something that's really meaningful. When THAT thing becomes your problem. Then the war is not enjoyable, but it has heart in it. If you don't give yourself that kind of problem – that kind of soul meaning problem – then you end up with problems which are just meaningless. We become petty and small-minded, almost inventing problems, because we don't have the one we really want – the right problem.

So, what's your soul problem? What were you prepared to struggle with? What did you give all of your heart to – no matter the difficulty. What's the struggle you want to sacrifice for?

What are you devoted to?

^(- MC Xander -)

A dynamic is a relationship – whether it is short-term or long-term. We engage with a person, spend time with them, share our secret needs and form a connection which is different (and often hidden) from what we experience in everyday life. This requires trust.

Ask yourself: Why would a stranger send you money without any reason? Why would someone submit to you and let themselves go? What drives them to do so? Is it you calling them a "paypig"? Trust is certainly not originating from there.

I think many "dominant" people fail to understand that they are nothing without their submissive partner. Of course you lead the dynamic and set the rules. But there are two people involved. The other person wants to be heard, too. It's not just the submissive person – the dominant person has responsibilities too. These include communicating with the sub, respecting boundaries, acknowledging feedback and using it for one's own improvement. (The fact that many submissives often don't know what they want or can't communicate properly is a different topic – I'll discuss it another time.)

We can only be dominant if the submissive accepts us as such. You can insult and crack the whip as much as you want – if they reject you, it doesn't make you more dominant; it makes you look pitiful.

It's important to build a safe space filled with trust, where shame, doubt and criticism are also allowed to have their place. A place of mutual acceptance. Ignorance has nothing to do with dominance.

Dominants and submissives form a symbiosis.
Subs need us. We need them too.
No consideration? No subs.
No subs? No dominance.

I posted this to my profile earlier. I was asked why. The person said that this topic would bring some variety to this subreddit, given that it's always "trashed with the same stuff" (his words). As a sub, he said he was interested in finding out what drives other people. I thought, okay, this might actually be interesting for others too. So, here are my Sunday morning thoughts for the broader Reddit community:

I am sitting on my balcony on this nice sunny Sunday morning, drinking black coffee. I'm staring into the forest, thinking about all the people I've met here over the last few weeks.

Everyone is so different. I mean, obviously that's nothing new. But it is not just a person's characteristics. I am talking about the motivation, why someone is into this game - I am referring to the BIG reason, not the obvious phrase "I like to lose control" - I am wondering about the "why?".

Some are lonely and are looking for attention, some want to escape their real lives, because they feel overwhelmed by responsibility. Then there are those with a low self-esteem - they feel better when they serve, because it gives them a sense of purpose. Some feel fake, because they feel that they have to hide their kinky personality - they want to feel real. Then there are those with a big and confident ego. They like being challenged, because no one else does - life has become too easy for them.

In my opinion, it's mostly about compensating for something which is missing in life. It is rarely (maybe never) just an "add-on".

Think about it - what's your true motivation?