Findom made me realise how much I truly love friendzoning people ๐๐ชป
I've always considered this to be a darker side of myself. Something only suitable for enjoyment in media and fantasies. Using someone for attention and resources is greedy, egotistical and has no place in healthy relationshipsโso I've been taught. After exploring findom for a few months the dots finally started connecting in my head.
I've always gotten so much romantic attention and over the years got extremely picky with whom I allow close. Being on the aroace spectrum, I already realize me "wanting" someone is not what other people mean when they say this. But I accept it now: when I "like" somebody, all I really want is for them to want me.
A weird "crush" I had in high school comes to mind, a boy who I knew had the hugest of crushes on me. He was shy, and my friend once asked me why I don't approach him first. I was ashamed to say it, but I knew: the situation would lose its appeal entirely. Even then, I loved the idea of myself embedded in somebody's thoughts, and the eternal slow burn of never giving someone what they want. I wanted to see someone in perpetual chase just as much as I do now. Keeping that boy at arm's length, catching his gaze every time I looked at him was a pleasure that felt twisted. I loved flustering him, I loved the special treatment, and I loved how he never got brave enough to ask me out. Somehow I knew he crushed on me hard enough to bear all the mean little jabs I made at him. There has to be something truly emotionally masochistic in someone's nature to want to be treated like that, and that's what I liked about him. Being a bully, someone he remembers as a purely negative figure, wouldn't feel this special. I realize now: the conflicted yearning is what I'm here for.
Having a financial aspect to this kind of dynamic takes it to a whole new level. The extra edge of actual feasible resource being spent on me is exhilarating, knowing I would never allow this to progress to a romantic partnership. The world treats women as objects to be bought with gifts, to be persuaded to settle down with someone they would never want if not for the fear of ending up lonely and judged. I will never settle for anything less than the blind and blissful adoration one only feels for the unattainable.
Yes, I want you to restructure your life around me.
Yes, I want to spend your money the way your girlfriend would.
Yes, I want to use you.
Yes, it makes me feel special.
Yes, I want more affection than anyone else in your life gets.
Yes, I'll be your friend, I'll play with you, I'll care for you in my own way.
But no, you will never truly see me or enter my life in any meaningful way.
There is no romcom happy ending. That's the way I've always wanted it.