Surgery upcoming - having doubts
I have vaginoplasty scheduled this October and despite spending years preparing for this I'm having some doubts.
I'm AMAB, 31 y/o, identify as non-binary and gay but present as mostly typical cis male (albeit a pretty and femme-leaning one). I'm married and my husband is super supportive, has gotten behind this and will accept me however my body is. I've been on estrogen for 5 years, never really regretted that. I had orchiectomy 3 years ago and feel super happy with this, but surgery part always confused me because I wasn't sure if I did it because of genital dysphoria or for genuinely cosmetic reasons (I had verrryyy low hanging large balls, that were frankly uncomfortable/painful a lot of the time because of hanging so low - also looked out of proportion next to a smallish penis). I've even had a touch of facial feminization to dial back the masculine features a bit.
Ive never fully understood if I have genital dysphoria or if I'm just wired poorly and was destined to have a wayyyy too sensitive penis to ever enjoy sexual touch in a normal way. I have found a lot of pleasure in the last 4-5 years though by learning to have my husband slowly rub a tiny section more like a clit. I'm still kinda embarrassed about using my parts I guess. I'm not mentally uncomfortable with me or him touching it, but also yes it's still uncomfortable at times. So I do have enjoyment of my lower parts now, albeit only somewhat. And in many ways I still find having my current parts 'minimized' sort of sexy. But recognize that could also be something i've developed to make the best out of what ive been working with.
But it cant be the same as being intimate with my husband with actual penetrative sex, right?
I don't 'like' looking at that part of myself in the mirror, but it's not like it causes me such anguish either. Imagining looking in the mirror and see a flat front + vulva makes me feel good in some ways but really nervous in others. I think I'm having a hard time mentalizing what this will be like and instead am imagining what it would feel like to be happy about it vs dysphoric about it.
I always knew I was seeking this, and painfully longing for it at times, for physical reasons rather than legit gender dysphoria - and i never judged that. The idea of not having a penis doesn't exactly worry me. But the idea of having a vagina/vulva cause me to worry about missing my penis and about whether i'd actually feel dysphoric having one.
Part of me feel like since I knew I'd be waiting so long for this surgery to happen that I intentionally got really comfortable with what I have - the alternative would've been too much to handle for the 3 years I've been waiting.
I guess I'm finding myself weirdly worried now about missing what i've got now and/or feeling trapped wth something new that i only realize afterward doesn't actually suit me. even though in my head having a vagina seems like it would be enjoyable and allow me to fully enjoy a very important aspect of my life.
Does anyone have advice on how to feel more sure about your decision? Maybe there are things that helped you arrive at a decision to pursue surgery or not?
Im very open to general thoughts and others' experience. I think even just hearing from other men and men-adjacent people about how they've considered their own male genitals would be helpful.
If you made it this far thank you - I felt like context and explaining my feelings was necessary, but also recognize this was a lot.