I’m a 22-year-old guy who’s been going back and forth with my sexuality for the past year. I’ve hooked up with guys and generally enjoyed it, especially bottoming. I’ve also tried dating and hooking up with women, but it never felt fully satisfying. Recently I’ve accepted that I’m most likely gay and I’ve set my profiles on Grindr and Tinder to men only.
The biggest issue I’m dealing with is intense guilt and shame, mostly from my homophobic upbringing. When I’m horny, I crave nothing more than submitting to a top and being the bottom. But right after I finish, the guilt hits hard and I feel ashamed of myself. Even in my sexual fantasies, I only fantasize about men and bottoming for them — I never fantasize about women or topping.
When I think about my future, all I can picture is having a boyfriend — living together, emotionally supporting each other, and being physically, mentally, and emotionally submissive to him. One thing that really convinced me I’m gay is that whenever I was with women (while suppressing my feelings for men), I felt strong jealousy during sex. I didn’t want to be the one penetrating — I wanted to be the one receiving.
Has anyone else dealt with this kind of post-nut guilt and internalized homophobia? How did you work through it? I want to be able to enjoy being with guys without the shame crashing in afterward.
Any advice would be really appreciated.