Submissives - do you struggle to look your dom in the eyes?
This is going to be long. tldr - do other subs also struggle to look their doms in the eye? is this common or a phase?
Context: M39 (bottom/sub) have been with my husband/Dom (M49) for 10 years, married for 6 - we have a 1 y/o son. Husband was a big vanilla bear when I met him with no d/s dynamic but as we explored during COVID, his ruthless dominant side emerged. I find it super hot that he spends his entire day taking care of the family as a loving, considerate albeit grumpy dad and then is able to switch to beast mode, where he subjects me to insane, extreme stuff that I would not have imagined when we met. He pushes my boundaries and makes me feel like his property. I do feel like I'm living the best version of my life right now and I love it.
However, I've been struggling to maintain or make eye contact with my dom/husband. It started during sex where he would dominate me with so much intensity that we would reach a point where I'd just starting whimpering and not be able to look him in the eyes anymore. But then it leaked into regular life and now I struggle to look at him when talking to him. I don't know why exactly - I used to feel like this as a kid when I'd be reprimanded by dad/figure of authority when I'd done something wrong. I'd spend a lot of time looking down at their feet and this is what I find myself doing these days. As a husband/partner and the parent-in-charge of baby bedtimes/meals/trips, this is obviously leading to some struggles in communication. I just find myself very nervous around him sometimes. He is able to switch between these modes effortless but I'm struggling to not let the sub mode bleed into regular life. I would like some advice on what to do - do other subs also go through this feeling? WDYD?
I think one of both of the following reasons could be contributing to my intimidation:
The Disparity: Hubby is a taller, well-liked, local Canadian bear who is outgoing and loud. He has a much bigger dick, is smarter and more knowledgeable (although we are both well-educated) and earns considerably more. I'm an introspective, quiet-ish immigrant and I struggle to be heard in any room/make friends. An year before our baby was born, we both decided to retire as we had reached the financial goals needed for that lifestyle. This has been great for me, I love being a full-time dad, but hubby felt under stimulated so decided to get a new job. While our income disparity was always present (he was earning 5x me when we met), this new job puts him in a completely new earning bracket (I was doing five figures, he is currently hitting seven figures). This insane disparity coupled with the fact that I went from being half of a young retiree couple to suddenly feeling like a trophy husband as a SAHD has definitely ignited my insecurity.
The sex: Despite me asking for some romantic sex every now and then, hubby's inner beast always comes out and sex always ends up being aggressive. Every session now includes dom slave dynamics, humiliation, CBT, body worship, TPE -eventually I just bury my face in the covers and just let him throw me around and use me any way he wishes. And I get used, dozens of positions, both holes being pounded from every angle, tons of very aggressive verbal commands (race play/size play/master slave) and insults until I become a whimpering mess, licking his feet while stroking his cock to get him hard for round 2. I love every second of it but it is intimidating. (Do other subs?) The breaking point was last week when we were cuddling after a very intense fuck and he ordered me to get ready for piss play (1st time ever). Got me on my knees, slid his cock in my mouth and started pissing down my throat. He kept staring at me hard when he was doing this, he got hard, grabbed the back of my head and started face fucking. Intense eye contact throughout, and I couldn't look away. He looked so angry or indifferent or something as he thrust into me. I kept seeing that look next day over breakfast as we were going over the schedule. It felt oddly disassociative, making caring mundane conversation with this man who treated me like street meat last night and gave me lockjaw. I couldn't make eye contact and it's sort of been the same since. Maybe this incident broke something?
He's planning a special weekend for us at the cottage (where we have a bit more privacy) - he has all sorts of stuff planned including pissing inside my ass and then fucking his load into me. I'm a little apprehensive.
Thoughts/advice?