My bisexual boyfriend recently came out to me, and I’m worried his performance anxiety will happen again during sex. How can I support him?
My boyfriend (29M) and I (28F) have been together for 6+ years and have always had a very active and satisfying sex life. Recently, though, he started having trouble maintaining an erection when we had sex. It happened more than once, and I started wondering if he was losing attraction to me.
Eventually, he opened up and told me that he is bisexual and sexually attracted to men as well as women.
He said he had actually been planning to tell me before proposing (we're not engaged yet) because he didn’t want to enter marriage while keeping such an important part of himself from me. As he got closer to 30 and started thinking more seriously about our future, he became increasingly pressured and anxious about telling me.
According to him, that anxiety eventually affected our sex life.
After losing his erection a few times, he started getting into his own head whenever we had sex. He would think, “What if it happens again? What if I disappoint her again?” Then, because he was worrying about losing his erection, it would actually happen.
We’ve talked extensively since he came out. He told me he watches all kinds of porn—straight, bisexual, MM, FF, threesomes, etc.—but said that enjoying something in porn doesn’t mean he wants to experience it in real life.
I even asked whether he wanted to explore sexually with a man if I hypothetically gave him permission. He said he isn’t interested in looking for anyone else. He says he wants me and compares it to how I can be attracted to men generally but don’t want another man because I’ve chosen him. He also doesn’t want a threesome because neither of us wants to share the other.
I accepted him completely, and he became extremely emotional when I told him. He cried a lot and later told me he felt incredibly relieved.
What’s interesting is that since coming out, he seems like his old self again. He’s much more affectionate, clingy, and physically loving toward me, and his sex drive seems to have come back strongly. However, it still hasn’t led to sex, probably because we haven’t had the chance to be alone somewhere private. He also says he thinks his erection problems will improve now that he’s no longer carrying the weight of keeping his sexuality a secret or dealing with the anxiety that came with it.
I’m really happy about where we are now and I love him very much.
But I’m nervous about the next time we have sex.
I’m scared that I’ll go into it thinking, “What if I can’t turn him on? What if he loses his erection again?” And I’m worried that he’ll be thinking the exact same thing. I really don’t want to accidentally put even more pressure on him by treating his erection as proof that he’s attracted to me.
For bisexual men or partners who’ve dealt with performance anxiety after coming out: what helped you get comfortable sexually with your partner again?
Should I avoid focusing on whether he’s hard and just concentrate on affection, intimacy and enjoying ourselves without making penetration the goal? Is there anything your partner did that made you feel desired without making you feel like you had to “perform”?
I’d especially appreciate experiences from bisexual men in long-term monogamous relationships with women, or women with bisexual male partners.
I want him to feel safe with me. I also want to stop being scared that his erection is somehow a test of whether I’m enough for him.