u/strombosalt

I'll start with my own experience to try to exemplify what I am asking.

I have been with my husband for most of ten years, just married this spring, and we had a disconnect related to sex for a very long time. We would have sex sometimes, maybe twice a month, and when we did it was amazing but I was always dying for more. And I told him that. We would go through bad dry spells and they were very painful for us both. The problem had been largely with initiating, often neither one of us feeling like it was "the right time," "we're busy," and honestly my lack of grace in the initiation department. I would be very blunt, abrupt, and/or direct about being horny (very directly related to the way I experience being autistic and being forward with my thoughts). And it would come out of nowhere. I would just spring my desires upon him and expect him to be down with no warning. Now, this would work for some people but my husband is not some people. He was feeling used. This led to me feeling rejected, him feeling inadequate, and both of us being unhappy. I tried to talk about this disconnect with him several times over the years but he didn't have the words to tell me what was happening without feeling shame and sadness for a long time. Almost 7 years into our relationship we finally had a conversation where he told me he couldn't take the pressure most times and wouldn't be able to be interested suddenly. He's a slow burn and doesn't want to get into sex without essentially feeling wooed. He's not just some caricature of an easy guy, he's more complex. He told me exactly what he wanted, and that was essentially for me to chill out and not be so intense so he could ease into it. It was so obvious, and when I found this out I was instantly so aware of how utterly tone-deaf I had been for our whole relationship and had to work through it for several months before I felt better about it. At first I was appalled that he would demand I put so much effort in. Like why couldn't it be more casual and spontaneous? But then I saw that was just not the truth of our life and that he needed more from me to feel fulfilled and I needed to try to do this in a way that worked for both of us and not just me. I had to reroute a couple thought patterns and pre-conceived notions I had about men (he's the only man I have ever really been with and I didn't grow up with men or brothers. Just misandrists for a mom and grandma.) Since that conversation and some essential healing on both sides the change has been incredible. Both of us are now feeling seen and heard and satisfied in brand new ways. We are discovering new things about each other almost every session and it's amazing.

In short, my husband and I endured a long, long time of mostly one sided sex because my autistic bluntness was forcing us into an unhealthy (for us) dynamic. But on the plus side, my autism has also allowed me to logically work through this and evaluate what was happening in a direct way in order for us to recover and now have a very satisfying sex life.