When spouse tries to be supportive but it makes you spiral
I (38F) have been with my husband (45M) for 15 years. Most of that he has known I am bisexual, but only recently (last two or so years) have we really talked about/realized what that means. Honestly I have always been way more attracted to women (I'm probably 85% lesbian), but I pushed that down and leaned hard into being a "normal" het presenting woman for most of my life.
My husband is a very supportive man and he is unusually (for a het guy) adept at understanding/communicating with me about this topic in a mature way that isn't framed around the sexual part of my attraction. He is very good at making me feel safe enough to talk. That being said he is still a straight man and therefore gets turned on by me being turned on by other women (duh). That's fine. I get it. But then he also does things that trigger me into feeling like I'm missing out on having a relationship with a woman. Today he had me watch a "most gay moments in Xena" compilation that sent me spiraling into lesbian longing. I couldn't even finish watching it.
It's like I'm okay with the sex fantasies (probably because I wouldn't be able to stop those no matter what), but the idea of fantasizing about having a romantic relationship with another woman (holding hands, inside jokes, doing everyday things together) that makes me sad thinking about it because it triggers such a longing deep inside me. It's something I will never have. As a monogamous married woman I know I have no right having desires like that. I'm not a cheater and it makes me feel guilty even thinking like that. Not sure where I'm going with this. Just venting I think.