Why I’m exiting the bowl and lessons learned
TL;DR: I’m stepping away from the bowl - this is not an announcement, because nobody cares who I am, but rather a word of caution for those of you still in, or looking to join: Know what you’re looking for, and most importantly, know what is missing in your life before the void takes over. (Or rather, what fills the void does.) A SR is unlikely to fulfill you at more than a superficial level, and that’s okay if you know it.
I met my now ex-SB about two years ago. This was not my first SR, but it was hers. When we first met, I described to her how things work in a SR, and how I approached things: Being together when we’re together, good chemistry, friends before anything else, and I’d treat her as though it was a real relationship. The money was there as compensation for the fact that no matter how real it felt and was, that there would be no happily ever after. After all, I was married. Dead bedroom, but with no intent to leave because of other circumstances. No kids.
Over the course of these two years, things evolved. We grew closer. Seeing her every weekend was the highlight of my existence. We shared a common hobby, and began to see each other more than the prescribed once per week, all her idea. Sometimes to participate in this shared hobby, sometimes just to grab a bite to eat. We began to travel together - at first, short trips, then around the world. We grew closer still. We talked about the future. She met my friends (just as an “acquaintance,” but they probably had suspicions. I met parts of her family. When a bit tipsy, she’d let slip things like how many kids we should have together, and other forward-looking thoughts. She once asked “what are we” and I hesitated, not wanting to crowd her, but by then I had developed feelings for her. She never asked again.
All along the way, I ignored more red-flags than I care to admit. Her family situation was a mess. We had diametrically different communication and attachment styles. She was largely emotionally-unavailable, leading me to rely on when she would let her guard down enough to let her feelings slip. She had a history of catastrophic relationship failures, largely due to her avoidant personality.
But still, she fulfilled so many missing pieces of my life. She represented a future, perhaps with kids. A true partner with whom I shared many interests, preferences, hobbies, and an active intimate life. We had gotten closer than either of us had anticipated. The excitement had evolved into the kind of loving routine that any vanilla relationship settles into. Maybe our closeness exacerbated her avoidant tendencies.
After our last international trip, our interactions began to feel different. When I’d talk about planning for the next destination we both wanted to go to, she became non-committal. This led to a conversation where I asked whether she was leaving. She said yes, that she wanted to concentrate on work, and that she had grown increasingly uncomfortable with my marital status. I had not told her that my wife and I had separated by then, as she had never indicated that she had an issue with it. I told her I’d support her through her career move, but her mind was made up.
It was over. I saw her apartment listed for rent recently (the one I was paying for) and there was finality.
If I’m being honest with myself, the ignored red flags made a long term future virtually impossible, I was heartbroken to an extent I’d never experienced. Over the course of the following months, I tried again to enter the bowl. This time, I met incredibly beautiful women that I had a decent enough connection with, both physically and socially, but they weren’t her. I had grown accustomed to a familiarity and connection that no pretty face could match. I could be in bed with an absolute ten and would be thinking of her. I broke things off with perfectly good SBs because they weren’t her.
A lot of time reflecting has brought me to a couple of conclusions:
It was not her that I was missing, but rather the voids in my life that she filled. She represented a fresh start and a future. Being with her allowed other once dormant parts of my life to blossom and flourish. She was not one who brought color to my life, but was the one who made me want to shine for her, and I enjoyed that.
That there was nothing in the bowl for me anymore. What was missing in my life is still… missing, and it’s unfair and unrealistic for me to expect to find it in a SR. I thought I was in the bowl for just a good time, but accidentally found someone who filled those gaps in my life. So know what your weak spots are, and don’t let hope grow that your SB/SD will be the permanent solutions to them.
I miss her, and despite the red flags and these conclusions, I’d probably take her back immediately if she ever reached back out.
Well, this was a long rant.