I took my single last 10mg tab Sunday morning and my habit is anywhere between 75-100mg a DAY.
It has been rough as shiieeet. I won’t lie. I had to call in sick from work for three whole days. If I’d been just a teeny bit smarter I wouldn’t have gobbled up everything I had so fast.
I can ONLY get mgm through mail where I live (not in the US) and it was supposed to be delivered on Monday and NOW FINALLY I can see it’s on its way. So I’ve been living through this cesspool we use to call life for the last three days.
Yesterday day in my panic to get my package I cycled in the blasting sun and roaring wind about ten miles on a dirt road to the post office to see if my package was there. But alas. I think that’s commitment, at least. Needless to say I was fully in withdrawals at that stage as well.
I don’t need to get into the specifics of how the withdrawal was and is. Y’all know.
Why I write this post HERE and not on some *hrm* other sub, is that I actually want to quit this thing. On my terms. Not like this. I was forced to this (through selfish indulgence). Today I went and got a few Subutex and Pregabalin from the black market (like, who am I?! Right, I don’t want ANYTHING regarding my abuse to be recorded, ENOUGH of that). I also twisted my ankle pretty badly going through the woods to pick up the stuff. Hopefully it’ll help when the time comes.
Outwardly I look like an upstanding, reliable guy. A family man. But I have a deep history of alcoholism and abuse. And I feel so tired to have to hide this stuff. My goal is to quench this dark side of mine and actually BE that man that I want to be. Thanks for listening. If it gave some kind of solace to someone that’s wonderful.