yesterday I was extreeemely subby, to a point where I started flirting with my friend (we met on a kinky server and flirt from time to time, in the beginning we would engage more in that stuff but as our friendship got deeper that kind of ended) and I even sent him a lewd as a belated birthday present. We talked about doing a session later once I'm home alone, joked some more and then I had to take a break to eat and take care of some stuff.
When I got back was when we were supposed to start, but during the break I kind of got in my head that I'm scared it would change our friendship if we engage in kink again. So instead I went online to look for someone else, but didn't communicate my concerns with him! I only told him we could play a couple of matches but that I had to leave in x time to "play" (nsfw) with someone else.
Of course he felt like shit, like I replaced him, like he isn't good enough. I know this is already a sore topic for him and I played right into it and idek what I thought while doing it... I guess my concerns were so obvious to me I didn't even feel like I had to say them out loud? I don't know... I'm so sorry I hurt him...yet I feel like he's punishing me more than I deserve?
He keeps saying that he doesn't know if he can move on from this and insinuating it might be the end of our friendship...yall over the last few months he has become my best friend! How did I mess up so badly when this is the only time we ever "fought"😭
But who am I to say he's overreacting, I'm the one who hurt him, I don't get to decide just how much it hurts.
I guess I'm struggling to cope with my own guilt as well as feeling like the punishment doesn't fit the crime? (but also knowing that's not for me to decide)