u/walshc001

A common question on subreddits like r/MarriedSex is whether couples who deliberately skip solo orgasm end up wanting each other more. The short answer is: sometimes, for a while, and mostly through psychology and sensitivity rather than any magical hormone reset. The longer answer involves how your body and brain handle arousal, how you train (or over-train) your nervous system, and the practical difference between “saving it” and “conditioning yourself out of partnered sex.”

Does abstinence raise lust for your partner?

Sexual desire is not a simple tank that fills when you stop emptying it. Short-term abstinence often produces a noticeable spike in horniness and responsiveness.

Anticipation is a real aphrodisiac. When the only available outlet is the person in front of you, thoughts, fantasies, and physical cues start pointing more strongly in that direction. Many people report feeling more eager, more easily aroused by their partner, and more satisfied once they finally have sex.

This effect is temporary and individual. After a few days to a couple of weeks the heightened urgency often plateaus or gets interrupted by ordinary life stress, fatigue, or wet dreams. Large, recent data (including the first proper study of “No Nut November”) found no lasting improvement in sexual desire, pleasure, or function from a month of abstinence. Testosterone claims are especially overstated: any short-term rise after multi-week abstinence is modest and not reliably linked to better sex or mood.

Masturbation itself does not kill desire for partnered sex for most people. Solo orgasm and partnered sex meet overlapping but different needs—one is pure physical release and control, the other includes touch, smell, emotional feedback, and performance. When someone starts preferring the hand exclusively, the problem is usually either relationship friction or a very specific masturbation habit, not the mere fact of self-pleasuring.

The real mechanical issue: how you masturbate

The bigger practical problem is “death grip” or idiosyncratic technique. Many men learn to finish with a tight fist, high speed, and intense pressure that no vagina, mouth, or partner’s hand can match. Over months or years the nervous system raises its threshold. Partnered sex then feels underwhelming or takes forever. The result is delayed ejaculation during intercourse even though solo orgasm remains easy.
This is conditioning, not permanent nerve damage. Recovery is straightforward for most:

Take a short break (1–3 weeks) from intense gripping.

Reintroduce stimulation with a much looser hand, lubricant, and variety in speed and pressure.

Practice focusing on the sensations that actually occur during penetration rather than chasing the old high-pressure pattern.

Women can develop analogous habits with specific vibrator settings or pressure that make partnered touch feel muted. The principle is the same: whatever technique you use most often becomes the template your body expects.

Timing masturbation relative to sex

Here the practical advice diverges by goal.
If the aim is longer lasting intercourse or a second orgasm, many men (and the partners who coach them) deliberately have a quick first orgasm earlier in the day or shortly before the encounter. The refractory period after ejaculation raises the threshold for the next climax. The second erection may be a bit softer, but the second orgasm usually takes longer to reach and often feels different. This is exactly the strategy some sex workers give clients: better to finish once quickly and then be able to last (and finish again) than to arrive so pent-up that the first penetrative orgasm is over in under a minute.

If the aim is maximum intensity and urgency with a partner, temporary abstinence or lighter stimulation in the preceding days can help. The body is more sensitive, the mental focus is sharper, and the orgasm itself can feel stronger. The trade-off is that extreme buildup sometimes produces the opposite problem—coming too fast once stimulation begins.

Neither approach is universally superior. It depends on whether the limiting factor is premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, low desire, or simply boredom.

What works for couples

The couples who report the best results treat the question as a shared experiment rather than a rule. Some periods of mutual restraint build anticipation and make ordinary touch feel charged again. Other couples find that knowing the partner is free to masturbate (and sometimes watching or hearing about it) keeps overall sexual energy high and removes pressure from every encounter. Mutual masturbation or side-by-side solo play can serve as low-stakes intimacy that still keeps the lines of communication open.

The consistent finding across sex research is that frequency of partnered sex and frequency of masturbation often move together when the relationship is solid.

When they move in opposite directions, the masturbation is usually compensating for something missing—desire discrepancy, performance anxiety, or simple scheduling conflict—rather than causing the problem.

Bottom line

Abstaining from masturbation can temporarily increase desire and sensitivity for a partner. It does not permanently rewire libido or testosterone in any dramatic way.

The more reliable lever is how you masturbate: a tight, high-pressure style trained over years can make ordinary partnered sex less effective. Adjusting technique and occasionally using a first orgasm as a pacing tool are more actionable than pure abstinence.

Talk about it. Experiment for a defined period. Notice what actually changes in the sex you have together rather than what the internet claims should change. Desire is responsive to context, novelty, and physical conditioning far more than it is to any single rule about solo orgasms.

The illustration for this post is obviously created by AI.

A lot of long-term couples hit a stretch where sex becomes rare or stops altogether. One common pattern is the wife who used to enjoy sex but, somewhere in her 40s, 50s, or beyond, finds her interest has faded and intercourse has started to hurt. This is not rare, and it is not simply “normal aging” that must be accepted. It is usually the result of identifiable biological changes plus secondary psychological and relational effects. Most of it is treatable.

Why desire often declines

Sexual desire in women is not a single switch. It is influenced by hormones, physical comfort, sleep, mood, relationship quality, and whether sex still feels rewarding.

The biggest biological shift is the menopausal transition. Estrogen falls sharply. Testosterone, which contributes to desire and arousal in women, has already been declining gradually since the 30s and drops further. Lower estrogen reduces genital blood flow and sensitivity. Lower testosterone can blunt the mental and physical “wanting.”

These hormonal changes frequently produce or worsen genitourinary syndrome of menopause (GSM). Tissues of the vulva and vagina become thinner, less elastic, and less lubricated. The result is dryness, irritation, and pain with penetration. Once sex hurts, the brain quickly learns to associate intimacy with discomfort. Desire drops as a protective response. Avoidance then reduces blood flow and tissue health further, creating a self-reinforcing cycle.

Other common contributors include:

Sleep disruption from night sweats or insomnia

Fatigue and mood changes (anxiety, low mood, irritability)

Body-image shifts and feeling less desirable

Medications (see the section below)

Relationship factors — unresolved resentment, lack of emotional connection, or a partner who no longer initiates in a way that feels good

Simply being too tired or over-scheduled

Not every woman experiences a large drop in desire. Some maintain or even increase interest. But when desire falls and causes distress, the combination of hormonal change + physical discomfort is the most common driver.

Why sex becomes painful

Pain during or after intercourse (dyspareunia) in midlife and older women is most often caused by GSM.

Without adequate estrogen:

Vaginal walls thin and lose their natural folds

Natural lubrication decreases

Blood flow declines

Tissue becomes more fragile and easily irritated or torn

The vaginal opening can narrow and the canal can shorten

The pain may be felt at the entrance, deeper inside, or as burning afterward. Pelvic-floor muscles often tighten protectively in anticipation of pain, which makes penetration feel tighter or more restricted.

Other less common causes (skin conditions such as lichen sclerosus, pelvic-floor dysfunction independent of atrophy, or effects of prior surgery or cancer treatment) can coexist and need proper evaluation.
Many women stop having penetrative sex because of the pain. Over time this can make the tissues even less resilient.

What actually helps

The good news is that both the pain and the loss of desire respond to targeted treatment for most women.

1. Fix the physical discomfort first

This is the highest-leverage step. When sex no longer hurts, desire often improves on its own.

Use a good vaginal moisturizer regularly (several times a week, not only during sex) plus a high-quality lubricant for intercourse. Silicone-based lubricants tend to last longer than many water-based ones.

Low-dose local (vaginal) estrogen — available as cream, tablet, or soft ring — is highly effective for GSM symptoms and has minimal systemic absorption for most women. It restores tissue thickness, elasticity, and natural moisture.

Other prescription options include vaginal DHEA (prasterone) and the oral selective estrogen receptor modulator ospemifene.

Pelvic-floor physical therapy helps when muscles have become chronically tight or when there is guarding.

Regular sexual activity or gentle use of dilators helps maintain tissue health once the acute dryness is addressed.

2. Address desire more directly when needed

If low desire persists after pain is controlled and other factors (sleep, mood, relationship) have been improved:

Transdermal testosterone at physiological (not high) doses has solid evidence for increasing desire, arousal, and satisfying sexual events in postmenopausal women with hypoactive sexual desire disorder. It is often used off-label; dosing and monitoring matter.

Systemic menopausal hormone therapy can help when hot flashes, night sweats, or sleep problems are major contributors.

Sex therapy, mindfulness-based approaches, or couples counseling can be useful when psychological or relational factors are prominent.

3. Lifestyle supports that make a real difference

Regular physical activity (especially strength training), adequate sleep, stress reduction, and limiting alcohol all support hormonal balance and energy. Feeling stronger and more capable in one’s body often improves sexual confidence.

4. Communication and patience

Many couples fall into a pattern of silence or pressure. Honest, non-blaming conversation about what still feels good, what hurts, and what each person wants is essential.

Expanding the menu of intimacy (non-penetrative pleasure, longer arousal time, different positions or pacing) reduces performance pressure while the physical issues are being treated.

Is a medication quietly killing desire?

A number of commonly prescribed drugs can reduce libido or interfere with arousal and orgasm. Not everyone who takes them is affected — rates vary by drug, dose, and individual — but these are the frequent real-world offenders that often make someone say, “Hey, I take that.”

Antidepressants (among the most common culprits)

SSRIs: sertraline (Zoloft), paroxetine (Paxil — often higher risk), fluoxetine (Prozac), citalopram (Celexa), escitalopram (Lexapro)

SNRIs: venlafaxine (Effexor), duloxetine (Cymbalta)

(Bupropion/Wellbutrin is generally less likely to cause this problem and is sometimes used as an alternative or add-on.)

Blood pressure / heart medications
Beta-blockers: atenolol, metoprolol, propranolol (older ones tend to be more associated)

Some diuretics (especially thiazides like hydrochlorothiazide)

Clonidine and certain other antihypertensives

Pain medications
Long-term opioids: oxycodone, hydrocodone, morphine, tramadol, fentanyl, methadone, and others. These can suppress hormones and are a frequent cause of low desire with chronic use.

Hormonal and hormone-related drugs
Hormonal contraceptives (especially some progestin-containing pills, implants, or Depo-Provera)

Anti-estrogen therapies used after breast cancer (e.g., tamoxifen, aromatase inhibitors such as letrozole or anastrozole)

Anti-androgens or drugs that lower testosterone effects

Spironolactone (sometimes used for hormonal acne or other reasons)

Antipsychotics
Many (especially those that raise prolactin), such as risperidone, olanzapine, and some older agents. Aripiprazole is often considered lower-risk in this regard.

Other notable ones
Certain anti-seizure/epilepsy drugs (especially enzyme-inducing ones like carbamazepine or phenytoin)

Antihistamines (can dry mucous membranes and contribute to reduced arousal/comfort)

Some chemotherapy agents

The underlying condition being treated (depression, chronic pain, high blood pressure, etc.) can also affect desire on its own. Never stop a medication without medical advice. Many alternatives, dose adjustments, or workarounds exist.

Practical next steps

See a clinician who is comfortable with menopause and sexual medicine. Many primary-care physicians still under-treat these issues or assume they are inevitable. A gynecologist experienced with GSM, a menopause specialist, or a sexual-medicine clinician is usually more helpful. Bring up both the pain and the desire separately — they are related but not identical problems — and mention any medications you’re taking.

This is not a character flaw or a relationship death sentence. It is a common, biologically driven change that responds well to modern treatment for the majority of women who seek it. Addressing the tissue health first, reviewing medications, supporting hormones when appropriate, and protecting the emotional connection usually restores comfortable, mutually wanted sex for couples who still want it.

Hope you’re all OK. Lala is certainly rattling our windows and doors.

Normally they compliment the woman and I’m fine with that. But this made me smile. I’m having it printed on business cards with my number and handing out to ladies I meet on my walks (particularly on Waikiki Beach).

The big, clear gush that soaks the sheets is largely urine from the bladder. The “something else” some people insist on is a smaller contribution from the Skene’s glands (the female prostate / paraurethral glands). That’s the closest thing to a “mystery gland.”

The science, not the porn version

Multiple studies (ultrasound + chemical analysis + dye) have settled this pretty cleanly:

Women empty their bladders, then get stimulated. Ultrasound shows the bladder refills during arousal. Right after the big squirt, the bladder is empty again.

In the 2022 Inoue study they actually injected blue dye into the bladder of women who could squirt. Every sample of fluid that came out was blue. It’s coming from the bladder.

Chemical markers (urea, creatinine, uric acid) match urine or diluted urine in the large-volume fluid.

Prostate-specific antigen (PSA) often shows up in the same fluid. PSA is made by the Skene’s glands. So in many cases you get a mix: mostly bladder fluid + a smaller amount of true female ejaculate mixed in the urethra on the way out.

True female ejaculation is the smaller, thicker, milky fluid that comes from the Skene’s glands themselves. Volume is usually just a few milliliters. That is not the dramatic fountain people mean when they say “squirting.”

So the popular claim that “it’s not pee, it’s from a special gland” is half-right and mostly wrong. The volume that makes the mess is bladder fluid. The special gland contributes the PSA and sometimes a bit of extra fluid, but it is not the main source of the flood.

How to make a partner squirt

Not every woman can or will. Some do it easily, some need specific technique and relaxation, some never do. Pressure or performance anxiety kills it. Treat it as a fun possibility, not a mandatory party trick.

Practical approach that works for a lot of people:

Get her extremely aroused first. Full engorgement of the clitourethrovaginal complex helps. Don’t rush straight to internal work.

Target the anterior vaginal wall (the “G-spot” area — really the tissue around the urethra and the internal clitoris).
Fingers: two fingers, palm up, “come hither” motion, firm steady pressure rather than frantic thrusting.

Curved toys (njoy Pure Wand style or similar) often work better than a straight dick for precise pressure.

Some women respond to deeper, harder pressure; others prefer rhythmic or more focused.

Add clitoral stimulation at the same time (blended orgasm territory). Many women need both the internal pressure and external clit work to tip over into squirting.

Encourage her to relax the pelvic floor and sometimes to bear down a little when the sensation builds, instead of clamping. The urge can feel like needing to pee — that’s normal and exactly the feeling that often precedes the release. If she fights it, the fluid stays put.

Positions that help:

Missionary with her legs wide or knees pulled up.

Doggy with good angle for upward pressure on the front wall.

Her on top so she can control depth and angle.

Side-lying or any position that lets you keep steady pressure on that front wall while also reaching her clit.

Hydration and bladder state. A reasonably full bladder makes a bigger show, but she doesn’t need to be desperate. Some women empty first and still produce a solid volume once arousal kicks in (the bladder refills surprisingly fast under stimulation).

Keep the atmosphere playful and zero-pressure. The moment it becomes a goal she “has to” achieve, the pelvic floor tightens and the fluid stays inside. When it happens it can be anything from a dribble to a serious soak. Both are normal.

Bottom line: the dramatic clear fluid is mostly urine that the body is releasing under sexual stimulation of the urethral/G-spot area. The Skene’s glands can add their own small contribution (and the PSA marker). There’s no secret magical gland producing liters of non-urine fluid. It’s bladder + sometimes a little female prostate juice mixed in.

What country are you from, and what’s your favorite position?

Are there any unique sexual practices where you live?

Why 95% of Men Fantasize About It and Almost None of Us Actually Get It

Let’s stop pretending.

The single most common male sexual fantasy on the planet is not “passionate missionary while locking eyes and whispering sweet nothings.”

It is two women, one very lucky (or very overwhelmed) cock, and enough saliva, tits, and ass to make a porn director blush.

According to the largest study we have on the subject (Justin Lehmiller’s survey of over 4,000 Americans), 93–95% of men have fantasized about multipartner sex. More than half of us think about it regularly. When men were asked to name their single hottest fantasy of all time, threesomes and group sex crushed everything else.

And yet…

Only about 18% of men have ever actually had one.
Among straight men the number drops closer to 15%.
Among the women who would theoretically make these fantasies possible? Closer to 8–10%.

That is a brutal, statistically significant cock-tease of a gap.

Why the fuck is this fantasy so universal?
Because one mouth and one pussy (or ass) is good.

Two of each is a sensory riot.

You get the visual of two sets of tits bouncing, the feeling of one woman riding you while the other sits on your face, the filthy soundtrack of two women moaning at the same time, the moment when one of them leans over and starts eating the other’s pussy while you’re still inside her. Your brain lights up like a pinball machine. Novelty. Overstimulation. The animal part of you that still remembers we used to live in packs.
Porn didn’t invent this desire. It just poured gasoline on a fire that was already burning.

So why do so few of us ever get to live it?

Because reality is a cruel, logistical bitch.

• Most women are not secretly dying to share a dick with another woman while you watch like a delighted idiot.
• The ones who are interested often want the opposite configuration (two guys, one woman), which the majority of straight men are far less enthusiastic about.
• Finding two people who are actually attracted to each other and to you, free on the same night, emotionally stable enough not to turn the whole thing into a jealousy disaster, and skilled enough that no one ends up awkwardly waiting their turn… is harder than getting a reservation at a Michelin-star restaurant during a pandemic.

And when people do manage to pull it off, the reviews are mixed. Lehmiller found that threesomes were one of the fantasies least likely to live up to the fantasy version. A lot of guys discover that managing two sets of needs, two sets of insecurities, and the sudden pressure to perform for an audience is a lot less “porn soundtrack” and a lot more “please don’t let me lose my hard-on while trying to figure out whose clit I’m supposed to be rubbing right now.”

The dirty secret:

Most of us will die having only lived the threesome in our heads.

We’ll jerk off to it thousands of times. We’ll watch it. We’ll describe it in filthy detail to our partners (or to strangers on the internet). We’ll get close a few times and then watch the whole thing collapse under the weight of real human emotions.

And somehow, that doesn’t make the fantasy any weaker.

If anything, the scarcity makes it hotter.
Forbidden fruit tastes better when you know most men never get to bite it.

So the next time you’re lying there stroking it to the mental image of two women passing your cock back and forth like they’re sharing a cigarette, just remember:

You’re not a degenerate.

You’re statistically extremely normal.
You’re just one of the 82% who never got invited to the party.

When a man spends time away from his partner, or even just perceives that other men are around her, something measurable happens in the next ejaculate.

Sperm concentration rises.

Not dramatically every time, but the pattern shows up across studies. The system appears tuned to respond to risk: less time together since the last time you came inside her, or the sense that rivals might be present, and the next load tends to come denser.

That is not romance, it’s strategy.

The same research that looked at the coronal ridge as a scraper also found that men change how they move. After separation, or after jealousy gets triggered, the thrusting gets deeper and more vigorous. Not always consciously. The body just starts working the ridge harder, as if it already knows what needs clearing out.

There is even a quiet post-game adjustment. After a man finishes, thrusting often slows or stops. One interpretation is simple self-protection: once your own semen is in place, further hard stroking risks displacing your deposit the same way it displaced the last guy’s.

Put those pieces together and reclaiming stops being just a hot idea. It becomes a full-system event. Distance or risk primes the load. The shape of the cock and the way you use it do the mechanical work. The intensity of the sex itself is part of the adaptation.
Knowing this does not make the sex colder. For some of us it does the opposite. Every deep stroke after time apart carries the weight of that old competition. You are not only fucking her. You are running an ancient program designed to overwrite whatever might still be there.

And she can feel the difference too.

Back in the early 2000s, researchers at SUNY Albany built a fake vagina, filled it with a mixture meant to simulate another man’s load, then thrust a realistic dildo in and out while measuring what came back out. What they found was almost indecently efficient: that flared coronal ridge acts like a natural scraper. Each deep stroke scoops and displaces the previous guy’s semen, clearing the way for the current one.

Evolution apparently spent a long time designing a better cum-displacement tool.
I think about that every time I slide back into my wife after she’s been with someone else.

There’s something primal and filthy about it—knowing the shape of me is literally built to erase what came before. The first few strokes always feel different. Fuller. Slippery in a way that isn’t just her. I go deeper than usual, slow and deliberate, letting that ridge do its work. Pulling out and watching the mix of us drip, then pushing back in harder.

Reclaiming. Overwriting. Marking the territory the only way biology ever intended.

By the time I’m close, it’s no longer about competition. It’s about ownership. About filling her so thoroughly that whatever was left of him gets pushed aside, diluted, replaced. When I finally come, I stay buried, grinding that ridge against her, making damn sure every last drop finds its place.
She always clenches around me harder when she knows what I’m doing. She likes being reclaimed just as much as I like doing it.

Nature didn’t invent the perfect shape for gentle lovemaking. It invented a tool for winning. And some nights, that knowledge alone is enough to make me fuck her like I’m trying to rewrite history one stroke at a time.

This is available at https://locker-room.academyofsex.org

Totally free. You can fill out the questionnaire and either print it or save it as a PDF. We then discard all the data. Or, if you want, you can post your answers anonymously on the AcademyOfSex.org website. We have a Confessions page that will clearly mark male and female questionnaire answers.