confessions I've never shared before (seeking reassurance)
I'm just gonna be honest with all of this
I was writing in my diary about how alone I feel snd then it went down a spiral and I turned to the healthiest coping skill of all time touching myself and day dreaming about a woman finding me filling me with all the love I cannot handle turning me into a crying mess. I ended up asking google if a pity kink is a thing because, oh my god, do I just want a woman to see how pathetic I am and point it into my face. seeing me touch myself and being like "awww, what do we have here? oh, you poor thing can't deal with all of these big emotions all by yourself. let me help you, my sweet girl. oh, what would you do without me?" google dot com gave me the bright idea to go to this subreddit 😭😭.
it just made me realize how much I desperately want attention from a dominant woman. i just so desperately want to be dominated by a woman who just adores me, that I'm so cute to her that she just wants to give me everything I want. I just feel so insignificant in my day to day and I want to feel like im lovable and worth it, and I know that I'm just about to go into a dark place again. I used to tell myself I dont want attention, but I think I do. I'm just really, really picky. I feel guilty for wanting this, to be praised adored and pitied because if im given all of this, then what am I giving? is there truly someone who would be willing to give and just receive what I subconsciously give? is there truly something like that? of course, there are things I want to give, too, but I guess it just feels like the bare minimum when it comes from me. I fear im a heavily under loved touch starved traumatized individual, so maybe it's just the trauma talking.
ive known im a submissive for a while. even as a young girl, I knew that I wanted to be the little spoon and the one at a girls feet laying on her lap. I've just never really explored it much until recently within the past year and maybe a bit during covid. thinking about all of this being praised and loved is so soothing and makes life a lot easier, and I genuinely wonder if any of this could become true. I feel like if I had this all the pain in my life could be forgotten and I could just be truly,, living life happily with my future dom but I wonder if I could give my dom the same peace that she would be giving me. would I? do I make sense? is any of this uncommon? am I normal? am I lovable? am I delusional and wishing for something that won't ever happen?