A new dom said I'm passive and wants me to take initiative but also told me I try to indirectly dominate: I'm confused. How does a sub initiate, and not be passive, while remaining submissive in a D/s dynamic?
I am new to D/s dynamics, having had only one so far. I recently played with a new guy who says he is a Dom and we're looking at possibly having a D/s dynamic. This would be my second ever. But he told me something I don't fully understand and need some advice
He told me recently that I try to "indirectly dominate a little as a sub" but then today told me that I'm prettty passive when it comes to sex. Says he wants me to take initiative during sex, and not wait for him to take the action. Even though I ask for permission (asked him to spank me, asked if he would give me his cum, asked for specific acts, etc), and do feel like I took initiative with aftercare, caressing his skin while he took a rest (he didn't caress mine though) and also played with his dick with my hands, then gave him a few blow jobs without him asking or telling me.
I admit I'm spiralling a little about being told I'm passive, it's not something my ex-Dom or other partners have ever said to me, and I worry this = "I'm bad and lazy in bed" when I don't think I am.
I like being submissive because when I don't have to think about taking initiative, or what to do next, and when my Dom or dominant partner just takes control and uses me as he wishes, I get to fully turn my mind off. Does that mean I'm a passive sub?
What exactly does this Dom want?
And yes I tried to ask, but he's not being particularly helpful. When I told him the above examples about what I considered were examples of initiative, he said he thinks actions are better than me verbally asking for something. And said he wants me to take more initiative but didn't specify what that meant.
When I asked him to give me specific examples so I can learn and figure out what he's referring to and what he wants. He said he doesn't believe in giving examples, because that takes the fun out of exploration. He said that being a submissive isn't just waiting for the Dom to do something. That being a sub is not just about being mindless.
With my previous Dom though, that was 100% what we did. In fact, if I did something without asking for permission, or took initiative, he would "punish" me for disobeying him, or not being ready to be used when he wanted it. But my ex-Dom really loved taking full control, and to surprise me. He would create play scenes, and create things for us to do, within my limits and boundaries of course. But ultimately, he took the lead.
This new Dom said he has a reward system if the sub does something without his direction. I back then asked, what things does that involve? Cause doing things without direction doesn't sound submissive to me. This is when he said "I don't tell you. You're a sub that tries to indirectly dominate"
But this new potential Dom has said previously that a sub has to explore their free will, that it's not all about being told to do this or that, and that sometimes the submissive has to cultivate the environment that entices the Dom. I thought I did do this by creating a very comprehensive nerdy BDSM checklist with my desires, curiosities, hard limites, and a separate list with all my fantasies, things I've tried that I like, etc. He said it was awesome and like a manual to me. But he hasn't given me his manual and he is refusing to give me any information other than saying I need to take initiative, if it's not up to his approval or liking then he will say.
I even asked him the day before we played this week in text that I'm sometimes worried I'm not doing enough when being fucked, like I wonder if I should be doing more and if so what, can he give me concrete examples. He said to me then "No, for now get comfortable, I will lead. Once you're more comfortable with me we can branch out. Being a Dom is like building rapport. I have to be able to gauge and learn when you need things and how you need them"
This seems to contradict what he told me today, which was: I'm just passive with the actions of sex, that I've never taken initiative to get on him and ride him or taken a position of bending over. He said I've made comments about what I would like and when I would like them but that "doesn't translate to action" and that he shouldn't have to direct every single motion of me during sex and that it's not what he's looking for. He said I asked if he was going to come, but there wasn't any initiative from him to make him come outside of having sex. How everything is dependent on him initiating and directing when it should be a free flow of energy and sex.
But sorry, isn't that exactly what a Dominant does? Direct, and initiate? If I asked him to cum and he didn't want to yet, and kept fucking me after I asked this, what exactly was I meant to do?
Also note: we've only played twice on two separate nights a week apart. So it's not like we know each other well. When I got there the second night he was still working so I waited on the bed until he was finished and ready to play. After he nearly came, and he fucked me a while, we took a break and then he fell asleep. He got out of bed in the morning to eat and start his day, I got ready to leave, he asked if I wanted a good pounding before I left and I said yes, got undressed, and got on my knees and after he fucked me a bit before I went back home.
Is this just not a true Dominant? Or am I showing my vanilla experience as a sub?
I don't get it. Please help.