I am so goddamn tired. Recent events were the last straw. I have dealt with so much bullshit being a sub it is fucking unreal. From being hit on and catfished by men when I am very much straight and make that very clear, to dealing with almost every single "person" I reach out to online being fake and immediately asking for money after presenting themselves as looking for a relationship, to being literally fucking blackmailed when I was younger and dumber because I wouldn't agree to be extorted for money and getting quite painfully and thoroughly outed to my family and having to have a conversation with them that was so terrible it would drive most to alcoholism or worse. I am just so goddamn tired. The real cherry on top is that spaces for subs want fucking NOTHING to do with anyone even hinting at being a switch and will outright bully you for it or belittle you because apparently it is impossible to be good at both Domination and submission and be a confident and capable bottom and Top, you're expected to just pick a fucking lane and eat shit otherwise, and frankly that's about the point that I'm at. I really really like being a Dom or Top or a sadist but the energy and motivation to do that comes from being able to be submissive and bottoming and masochistic, and I know - good fucking lord do I know - that finding anyone else that is the same way or similar to that is beyond even unicorn hunting. I have accepted that I'm either going to have to persue ethical non monogamy or essentially kill off or repress part of my sexuality in whole or in part to be happy with somebody in monogamy. And it fucking sucks, but I've done it before, and I can at least tolerate it and take care of the other side on my own.
But son of a bitch is it all getting old. Dating apps do not help either especially after AI got big. I'm honestly close to just hating what I am but I still hold out hope that I don't have to do that. I'm gonna go to a munch and just hang out and be myself and make some friends and have a beer. Maybe take some workshop classes. Keep posting personals and maintaining dating profiles even if I'm basically certain no good will ever come of it. And maybe I'll get lucky and find someone or someones to be happy with. But I am just so damn tired of the bullshit and needed to vent, and if you've read all of this, thank you. Any validation that being complicated is okay and that I'm not a huge piece of trash would be really nice but I really just needed to vent.