The perspective of a professional dominatrix's feelings between men and women subs
Hi everyone, mommys, subs, friends, girlfriends, sluts, lurking boys, curious ladies.
I have spent a good amount of time as a paid dominatrix at a dungeon years ago. This post is a personal set of experiences, and not a wide rule to be applied. It explores my feelings as to why I think men and women "serve" differently as a general pattern, likely from socialization reasons.
I'm bisexual, very primarily leaning towards women. But I have every capacity to see men and women as equally beautiful and emotionally rich, sexy creatures, but often found myself much much preferring women in a bdsm context.
I love good girls- brats are more than easily tamable, but I prefer love and obedience rather than defiance.
So it became really paradoxical to me as to why I much less preferred dominating men than women; men were eager, always ready to please and worship and beg, so why did I not really enjoy it when they did?
Getting them to obey or worship or moan or cum was like a bowling ball knocking over a poptart. It feels effortless. While empowering, that gets old kind of quickly.
So I wondered why, why are they (often) so much less satisfying and emotionally rich to have a bdsm relationship with?
I collected all my thoughts and began to try and explain them.
These opinions don't really reflect anything bad on men, this is all probably personal preference for me- and exceptions always always exist. This is more of a general social pattern I've noticed.
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1.) Men, even when they worship you, still feel really objectifying most times as a kink dispenser.
They care so little of any emotional depth or reason or creativity to their actions and behaviors. Most times, men will just compliment you endlessly, and when they ask for something that is brutal, easily just expect you to do it and love doing it. The occasional man who transgresses boundaries (because he really really really wants X), in my memory also serves as a clear monument to the occasional sense of entitlement, and makes it very transparent that they see you as a service provider, rather than a human with your own intellects, interests, emotional landscapes, and needs to connect with others.
2.) They just tend to be less in touch with their emotions and actual fantasies.
They have X fantasy, and they can't pinpoint why. It just feels "Because I like X and I think it's really hot", whereas girls tend to have a lot more depth to their explanations and emotional palettes for a fantasy or a scene or a kink. It becomes exhausting with having to explain or discover things for them, rather than having someone who has a more thought out guidemap.
3.) Their promiscuity is effortlessly given, while for most girls feels really well earned.
This is probably the most personal and least “objective” part of this post, but it matters to my own experience. With many men, there is a sense that sexual availability is already sitting at the surface, waiting for permission. Desire is immediate, obvious, abundant, and therefore less mysterious.
With women, there is often a different kind of unfolding. When a woman submits, flirts, softens, gives in, gets shy, becomes obedient, or lets herself be wanted, it often feels like something has been invited out of her rather than something that was already being thrown at me. There is tension. There is restraint. There is a sense of trust being built. That makes the surrender feel more intimate and more emotionally textured to me.
Again, this is not a universal law of gender. I know there are emotionally complex male subs and shallow female subs. But as a pattern, male desire often felt abundant to the point of cheapness, while female desire often felt more guarded, layered, and therefore more precious.
4.) A lot of male submission still feels centered on the man.
This was one of the strangest things for me to realize. A man could be kneeling, praising, begging, calling me divine, and somehow the entire scene still felt like it was about him.
His shame. His fantasy. His release. His need to be humiliated. His need to be denied. His need to be reassured. His need to be ruined, used, forgiven, degraded, or adored.
And yes, submission obviously involves the submissive’s needs. I am not saying a submissive should be a silent prop with no desires. But there is a difference between “I want to give myself to you” and “I want you to perform the version of dominance that gets me off.”
Too often, male submission felt like a script where I was cast as the woman-shaped force needed to unlock his experience. It was technically worshipful, but emotionally it was not always generous.
5.) Women often seem more interested in the relationship between us, not just the act itself.
With women, I more often felt like the erotic charge came from the dynamic: the eye contact, the hesitation, the trust, the psychological push and pull, the intimacy of being seen by another woman and still choosing to yield.
The scene was not just “do the thing.” The scene was the emotional weather around the thing.
A good girl wanting to be good for you is not just hot because she obeys. It is hot because there is affection in it. There is pride. There is a real sense of intimate vulnerability between you two as people. There is a desire to be known and shaped and approved of by someone she respects.
That is the part I love. Not just control, but connection through control.
6.) Some men mistake intensity for depth.
This is another huge one. A fantasy being extreme does not automatically make it emotionally deep. A kink being taboo does not automatically make it profound. A request being dark, brutal, humiliating, or elaborate does not mean there is real self-knowledge behind it.
Sometimes it is just intensity. Sometimes it is just escalation. Sometimes it is just porn-brain with a collar on. And that gets tiring, because then you are expected to provide the emotional architecture for something they have not actually examined. They bring the appetite, but not the meaning. They bring the fantasy, but not the self-awareness. They bring the words, but not the emotional responsibility.
That is not dominance to me. That is unpaid psychological labor dressed up as a scene.
7.) I do not want to dominate someone who has not developed a self.
This may sound harsh, but I mean it sincerely.
The most satisfying submission comes from someone who has personhood. Someone with preferences, dignity, thoughts, emotional complexity, humor, softness, boundaries, and self-respect. Someone who chooses to surrender, not someone who collapses into whatever they think will get them attention.
This isn't to say that it isn't hot. I love it when a woman drops into a puddle of melty fuck-pink emotions and just begs. But it's the contrast, it's the beauty of themselves and their own emotional richness that makes that vulnerability amazing. Yes, I will shove you full of monstrous cocks and turn you into a breeding mare tied up to your bed, fuck you into submission while you beg to make my children and pump you full of fake cum. But that's only deeply beautiful when you also act like a real person around me at times too. Men make this entire sense of submission and degredation their entire identity, while for many girls, it really felt like this beautiful "mask off, turns out I'm a HUGE vulnerable slut inside" and that makes me bite my lips.
Thank-you.
I love all of my male subs and women, but I thought I'd give an absolutely massive shoutout to the beautiful dynamics we form together as women. This is something I wanted to crystalize into a post because I felt like it had value to share with the occasional male submissive, to help him... be better at it and develop that emotional depth that makes this art deeply deeply beautiful.