My body betrays me
I would consider myself a feminist. I believe in equality, women’s rights, bodily autonomy, all of it. So please do not judge me for this because I genuinely feel insane even admitting it.
For some reason, I’ve been reading certain titles/posts and… I hate to say it, but they turn me on. Like, physically. I’ll start tingling, feel hot, and my whole body is just reacting before my brain can even catch up.
And that’s the part I don’t understand.
My mind knows that what I’m reacting to is wrong. I find it disgusting, cruel, and completely contrary to what I actually believe in. It’s not something I would ever want to happen to me or anyone else. It’s not what I stand for. So why the hell does some part of me crave it?
I feel ashamed. I feel disgusted with myself. And yet I can’t exactly control the physical reaction I’m having.
I don’t think I’m necessarily “denying myself” by choosing not to engage with something I believe is morally wrong. I’m making a conscious decision based on my actual values. Maybe I’ll fantasize about it. Maybe my brain will wander places I don’t particularly like. But a fantasy is still just a fantasy, and it doesn’t have to become anything more than that.
I think what’s messing with me most is the disconnect between what I believe and what apparently turns me on. I can intellectually reject something while my body is having a completely different conversation.
I hate that I’m even writing this because I can already feel myself cringing but I genuinely want to understand how people reconcile that kind of contradiction. Does anyone else experience this? How do you separate your fantasies from your actual values without feeling like a terrible person?