u/LanguageLearner42069

I’m a 30-something-year-old gay guy who happily came out of the closet more than a decade ago … but not completely. My homosexuality is no secret, but my kinks are something that I continue to hide from nearly everyone.

I’ve only shared this part of myself with one close friend, my previous boyfriends, and those in the kink scene. I have a kink Instagram, but I blur my face.

Part of me thinks that this secrecy is totally appropriate. I don’t want to subject people to my kinks without their consent, and I don’t want my coworkers, family members, or fellow parishioners (Episcopalian, very chill) to find out.

But on the other hand, this secrecy weighs on me. It feels like my “coming out” was never totally complete or honest. Kink is as big a part of my sexual identity as my homosexuality (I truly think I was “made this way”).

I’m jealous of the guys who don’t blur their faces in their kink photos. I feel so inhibited and uptight. Dating is hard; when I tell people about my kinks (which are not that crazy, I’m just into leather/latex and general BDSM), it often turns them away. And I think that they can sense my lack of confidence about the subject.

I’ve attempted to make friends in the kink community, but have not been very successful. I am very LTR- and monogamy-oriented and a bit more traditional than many in “the scene.” I haven’t ever felt a strong connection or identification with anyone I’ve met there so far. I feel like I don’t fit in, and it’s lonely.

Have you felt this way before? Do you have advice for me?

I’m a 30-something-year-old gay guy who happily came out of the closet more than a decade ago … but not completely. My homosexuality is no secret, but my kinks are something that I continue to hide from nearly everyone.

I’ve only shared this part of myself with one close friend, my previous boyfriends, and those in the kink scene. I have a kink Instagram, but I blur my face.

Part of me thinks that this secrecy is totally appropriate. I don’t want to subject people to my kinks without their consent, and I don’t want my coworkers, family members, or fellow parishioners (Episcopalian, very chill) to find out.

But on the other hand, this secrecy weighs on me. It feels like my “coming out” was never totally complete or honest. Kink is as big a part of my sexual identity as my homosexuality (I truly think I was “made this way”).

I’m jealous of the guys who don’t blur their faces in their kink photos. I feel so inhibited and uptight. Dating is hard; when I tell people about my kinks (which are not that crazy, I’m just into leather/latex and general BDSM), it often turns them away. And I think that they can sense my lack of confidence about the subject.

I’ve made attempts to make friends in the kink community, but they have not been very successful. I am very LTR- and monogamy-oriented and a bit more traditional than many in “the scene.” I haven’t ever felt a strong connection or identification with anyone I’ve met there so far. I feel like I don’t fit in, and it’s lonely.

Have you felt this way before? Do you have advice for me?

This is a serious question.

As of last year, I have become an “every Sunday” churchgoer within an inclusive and open-minded denomination. But I have no role models who are gay, kinky, and religious.

I don’t really have anyone to talk to about navigating these aspects of my identity. Would love to chat over DM with anyone who’s willing.

Thank you!