How do I communicate what I want
As my title says how do I communicate to my(41F) husband(45M) exactly what I want during oral? Some backstory, we’ve been married almost 22 years. His sex drive was extremely high in the early years, but medications have changed that for him in the last few years. I would say my drive was extremely low back then but it potentially could have been higher if my husband would have cared more about my pleasure but that’s in the past and he has since changed. I started HRTs early last year and had a total hysterectomy in October last year. Since starting HRT and having the hysterectomy my sex drive has gone through the roof! I’ve noticed over the last few years that reaching orgasm through oral and fingering has basically stopped and is taking a lot longer than it used to!
My husband and I have been in couples therapy for communication and connection which has been amazing! I am finally being able to communicate what I want sexually with my husband. During oral sex I get very close and then he changes pace, pressure, speed and I lose out and have to rebuild back up to it. At some point my hubby brings out the vibrator and gets me off that way. I have been telling him after sex what was working and that I was close but that I lost it. I’ve told him what I like and what I don’t. I’ve told him I want less pressure, no flicking of the tongue etc. He’s asked that I let him know verbally when I’m close with a “yes” “that” or something. I have tried this but I have to concentrate to actually get there and me talking sometimes causes myself to lose the orgasm or when I say something it causes him to pause because he’s trying to hear what I’m saying which means I lose the orgasm because he pauses and changes what he was doing.
I’ve tried talking to him about what I want before hand to remind him I want slow, soft movements, he tried a teasing thing which I absolutely loved and told him that was awesome, however, he’s hasn’t done it since that time even though I’ve communicated this with him. I’ve even tried using my fingers on his arm to show him how light I want the pressure to be, I’ve used my tongue on the palm of his hand. He tells me he can’t feel a difference when I do this but that he thinks he understands. I’ve also told him while he’s down there, less pressure, show down etc, but he replies I thought I was doing less pressure. I’ve also told him sometimes I think he’s too close in proximity to me which makes him give too much pressure.
The last time we were intimate I told him a few times less pressure, and tried moving away from him slightly but he just peeled me right back closer to him, then he tried using the vibrator but it hurt and I said ow, so he put the vibrator down and tried to go back to oral sex but at that point I was over stimulated mentally and physically and I called an all stop. I then told him I felt like he wasn’t listening and that I’m not sure how to communicate with him or to get him to understand what I actually want which is frustrating me more. Honestly I haven’t told him but it’s starting to get increasingly frustrating to the point that I’m not really exposed to have sex because my needs aren’t being listened to and it’s causing me physical irritation as well.
So I’m reaching out to you because I’ve tried everything I can think of and have seen others suggest on how to show him or tell him what I want and I’m at a loss on what else I can do. I know my husband is open to listening and trying, I also know he isn’t trying to be an asshat and not listen because he really does focus on my pleasure and has been willing to try pretty much anything I bring up. I plan on trying to have a conversation with him again this evening so I’m hoping I can get some advice on ways to help me communicate what I really want, or positions that could potentially help.