Struggling with my identity
Three years ago I was first introduced to kink. I had no idea what kink was before that. I would get horny and wet at the thought of being used, humiliated and degraded but had no idea why. The question of why haunted me for a long time and it made me feel guilty and angry at myself.
When I finally learned about kinks and realized how kinky I actually was, the new knowledge did not bring me any relief. The guilt, shame and anger at myself only stayed. In fact the more I explored kink the guiltier I felt about how extreme and disgusting my kinks are. I have been a feminist and I think I still am, so whenever I see posts about feminists surrendering themselves to patriarchy or misogyny they always create mixed emotions in me. I cannot help getting wet at the idea but at the same time it makes me deeply ashamed of myself for enjoying such content.
I have gotten off countless times to misogyny, patriarchy and anti-feminism content and to be honest I do not think I can get away from all this. I have tried. I even deleted my previous reddit account and tried to stay away, only to come back with a new one every time.
I have just recently started talking to my current master and he is guiding me slowly through my kinks. I must say I am struggling. I know I am not doing my best and I hate being a disappointment to him. I cannot get rid of my feminist side and at the same time I cannot run away from my kinks. This leaves me in a pathetic situation where I simply do not know what to do.
I am posting here because I hope some of you might understand. If any of you have gone through the same struggle between your identity and these kinds of kinks, I would be so grateful if you shared how you dealt with it. And if there are any men here who have experience with women like me who still fight against their place, I beg you to please give me any advice you can. I just want to learn how to accept my place properly and become a better slave. I do not want to keep disappointing my master or myself.