u/Oddly-Ordinary

I had some very bad dating / sexual experiences and my therapist advised me to “take a break from dating” and just focus on platonic connections, focus on myself, practice detachment, learn to love myself without relying on external validation.

So a bit of background I have betrayal and abandonment trauma from childhood. I was emotionally neglected. Grew up in a very sex-negative environment. >!My friend growing up was SA by someone we all knew!<. I got an excessive warnings about “dangers” of dating. >!I was exposed to the idea of sex as violence before I was even old enough to understand sex or my own sexuality!<. I struggle with shame and guilt.

It worked for maybe a year or two? I explored more hobbies, took classes, socialized more. But I avoided environments where flirting is common or encouraged, or situations that center romance or sex. No singles events, no speed dates, no munches, no gatherings for polyam folks. I remove myself from conversations around dating so I don’t trauma dump or feel left out. I’ve avoided media that focused on relationships and sexuality.

I should probably also mention I’m queer so a big overlap between the people I socialize with platonically and the people I’d engage with sexually/romantically. And the people my platonic friends are involved with.

Honestly I try to forget the concept of romance or sex even exist. But over time it’s gotten harder to “avoid the temptation” to try again. And more and more things become triggers for these thoughts, and the negative feelings I was left with after my last relationships. I’m also struggling to feel happy for my friends who are going on dates. And most of them are.

There’s a relentless voice telling me I’m undatable, unattractive, damaged goods, etc. No one would want me. That if I “give in” and go back on dating apps, go back to the kink community, even entertain the idea of flirting with someone at a bar, I will suffer for my mistake and regret it. That if I can’t learn to be fully happy and satisfied in my life in the absence of sex and intimacy I have “failed” to heal, that it’s a sign I’m not working hard enough to be “healthy” and a sign that I’m “weak” and I’ll never “get better”.

My life is objectively “better than ever”. But I just feel dead inside lately. I take dance classes, make art, I keep adding to my list of hobbies. I still feel this emptiness. I feel “ungrateful” for not appreciating my other successes “enough” for me to be happy. I worry that’s a sign that I’m a “nymphomaniac” or something. Even though I’m probably not.

I’m also terrified of accidentally flirting with my friends, or crossing a boundary, making them uncomfortable and ruining the friendship. And I think it’s become an obsessive fear. I’m worried I’m acting too detached to compensate and I worry it’s negatively affecting my friendships.

I did all the right things, complimented myself in the mirror, told myself it doesn’t matter what other people think, I don’t need anyone to be attracted to me. I stopped looking / hoping for people to react positively to my appearance. Then I get jealous of other people who get compliments. Especially complements about their bodies.

I’m also a perfectionist and have body dysmorphia. Instead of trying to feel cute or attractive my focus shifted to “fitness”. It started with deleting all my dating apps and going for long walks without my phone, taking dance classes instead of going to the local gay bar. >!Now I’m tracking my food, and probably weighing myself too much as well!<.

I’m assuming my therapist did not give me bad advice. I’m seeing a different therapist now either way. But I’m supposed to feel better. Not worse. And I can’t stop blaming myself.

Whatever I’m doing it’s not helping. But idk what to do.

- Sensation of something opening / spreading when I open my legs… never noticed it until I squatted for the first time post-op and that feeling was gone

- First follow up my surgeon wanted to take a look at things and said I didn’t need to open my legs to “expose” anything he could already see it all.

- A penis is literally a whole ass organ. Not that vulva isn’t technically an “organ” but to me it felt more like any other body part / skin verses an organ that’s on the outside of my body. Think lips vs eyeballs.

- I can make it move

- The way cis women’s menstrual cycles / discharge gives them clues about their health. Retracting / erections do the same.

- How much lower and smaller your own dick looks from a first person POV versus looking at someone else’s head-on. No wonder so many cis men are insecure.

Will probably add more later as I think of things…

Adding the time between relaxing my bladder and actually seeing urine exit my body.

The sensation of peeing without it making my junk wet. No more wiping!

So I had a pretty intense therapy session today. For context I’m queer. My family wasn’t homophobic but they were still toxic asf. Without going into detail I’m a victim of emotional abuse/neglect, parental favoritism (I was made to feel like an unwelcome guest in my own home) and grew up with a parent who constantly criticized and insulted me every time I reminded them of my other parent / their ex. My appearance, my face, my smile, my laugh, my mannerisms, my hobbies, taste in music. I take after this person a lot so nothing about me was safe from this. I had a severely disabled sibling who I had to help take care of while bent disabled myself. I was definitely parentified.

This person abandoned the family and apparently went on to >!SA other people’s children!< something I found out about years later. So yeah really fucked up stuff. No I was not physically or sexually abused myself I’ve been in therapy for years and I’m certain of this.

I’ve struggled with poor self esteem, shame, and sexual guilt my whole life.

My dating/sex life has been non existent. I’m in my 30s and only been in one relationship with someone who was ace and didn’t desire me that way. And unrelated to their orientation this person treated me like shit. They hid our relationship from other people. But told everyone about their other partners. This person, due to their own trauma, wanted to date literally every breathing human over 18+ that they met. I knew there was nothing about me specifically that was special to this person. We were together literally because I agreed to be with them.

Before that the first person I hooked up with weaponized my childhood trauma. Came onto me, yelled at me for asking for consent “too much” said they wanted to go down on me but didn’t want me to reciprocate. Then told me I was selfish for not reciprocating and deserve to get f**ked by them. And tried to accuse me of forcing myself on them.

I’ve tried apps. I’ve tried speed dates. I’m general a very social person. I have hobbies and I’m involved in a lot of local events. I seem to only attract a very specific type of person… very submissive, emotionally immature, shy, anxious, etc looking for partners to play the role of dominants / mentors / caregivers. People who seem to admire and be turned on by my “strength” and “resilience” that they don’t see themselves as being capable of.

Nobody flirts with me. Nobody asks me out. After what I’ve gone through, including things I didn’t mention here, a hard limit for me is that I need to see someone is interested enough in me and able / willing to put the effort in to actually pursue me. Because I’m more than happy to reciprocate. Like I said that doesn’t happen. I’ve lost any faith that it will.

Anyway, my therapist asked what my type is. What in actually want in a partner. I spend a lot of time talking about what I don’t want. I admit a lot of my “preferences” come from wanting to avoid the experience I’ve had in the past.

Long story short I got so upset by the question I ended up shouting at my therapist. Because honestly I’ve had an idea of what my type is for years and it just feels irrelevant because no matter what or who I want, what really matters in-practice is who wants me. And so far that’s only been the types I mentioned, and predatory assholes. I don’t believe anyone of any quality would ever want me. And honestly nothing anyone say here will change my mind. The only thing that would change my mind is external evidence that I’m wrong. And I feel like if I was wrong I would’ve seen that by now. It seems illogical, I know I sound like I’m exaggerating but I’m not. I’ve never met anyone else who’s gone through anything like it. I live in a very queer city. I just feel fundamentally undesirable and it’s affecting my self esteem and ability to connect with people in general.