u/PathicusRider

As the title suggests, I'm Christian. Always have been, and my family too. I'm here to talk about my struggles, my "newly" desires, and how I live with them.

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Everything happened very gradually. As a child, I liked girls. I’ve already had a girlfriend, and I’ve been in love several times. However, they never sexually aroused me, and I never looked at them the way I looked at my male classmates, especially their butts. But well, that doesn’t mean anything, right?

Then came high school. Until then, I had never watched pornographic content in my entire life. I was talking with friends at the time who mentioned it, and out of curiosity I tried it. Girls didn’t interest me, but I started looking at images of men. At first it disgusted me—how could anyone accept seeing that, how could two men kiss? Have sex? What heresy. On the other hand, seeing images of muscular, masculine men in tight pants, why not. Then from pants I moved to shorts, then to boxers, then thongs, then nothing at all. Similarly, I went from images to videos of men walking, then twerking, then touching themselves, embracing, kissing, and having sex.

At that point, I knew I had an addiction problem and that what I was doing was wrong, especially since I had plans to start a family and have biological children. Despite that, the temptation kept growing stronger. I started identifying with the one being penetrated. I wanted to try. So I used what I had available: my fingers, a toothbrush, a screwdriver, a plastic magic wand, to pleasure myself anally while imagining being taken by a handsome, hairy, very masculine man. But mind you, it still wasn’t gay! Even when I bought a Njoy, an Aneros, a dildo, and used them obsessively and even wore them in public. It was just a phase, for fun.

Then I wanted to try it for real. So I downloaded a bunch of dating apps, took sexy photos, chatted with people, and flaked on quite a few guys out of fear. Until the day I found the right person to do it with for the first time. It was very pleasant. We kissed passionately, gave each other oral sex, fingered each other, he penetrated me and came inside me. I didn’t even climax myself, but I enjoyed the encounter, until shame caught up with me and I cut everything off and threw away all my objects.

A few weeks/months later, the urges came back. I tried to resist, unsuccessfully. And that led me to this week, when I decided to go all in. I reinstalled all my apps and went hunting. And I succeeded. I met a first guy who wanted me to suck him off while he was working from home, which I gladly did for about thirty minutes. I had the chance to taste his pre-ejaculate, but he didn’t finish because he had to leave for an emergency, which left me unsatisfied. Luckily, later the same day, I managed to find another hookup. A bottom like me, but I decided to try being the top, out of curiosity and desperation to go through with it. Very nice and also inexperienced, we tried a lot of things. That’s when I discovered I’m not a top—I couldn’t get hard to rub against him or penetrate him. But when I was sucking him, I felt my hungry anus pulsing. In the end, I was more of a bottom than he was, and I sucked him until he came in my mouth and I swallowed it all. Honestly, the taste was awful, but the act itself was extremely sexy. So much so that he had to ask me to stop because I kept going with passion.

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And that’s when I understood. Once is a chance, twice is coincidence, three times is a pattern. I am a fucking faggot who likes kissing men, sucking dick, and being fucked until a masculine man cums inside me. It only took 10 years to accept it.

My dreams of starting a family have faded. I have never been, and will never be, sexually aroused by the sight of a girl. And I could never tell her about my past without her being disgusted.

Today, I accept the existence of these desires, even though I do not embrace them. I still believe in the existence of God and remain convinced that giving in to them is wrong. Ideally, I would like to go through a phase where I can slut myself out and become fully satisfied until I grow bored, and then start over from scratch. But even that feels morally wrong to me.

So here I am, in secrecy, getting aroused with strangers and sharing my story with them, because no one around me knows, and no one can ever know.

It's wrong, but feels so good...

When I watch porn or check out guys on the street, I can't help but look at their well-defined legs and round, firm asses. That's one of the biggest turn-ons for me. I identify with the bottom in porn, so I can kind of understand it during sex, but when I'm just walking down the street??

And yet, I'm a total bottom. As soon as I'm in front of a naked guy, my eyes are immediately drawn to his dick. I absolutely love sucking it, and my ass practically throbs with excitement.

For a while, I thought I might be vers, but I just can't stay hard unless someone is playing with my ass, or I'm sucking someone or getting sucked. And honestly, I MUCH prefer getting fucked.

Anyone else feel the same way?

Kinda ashamed to post this, so I'm using an alt.

After a long break due to shame, I recently decided to play with my ass again. Until now, I was only masturbating once or twice every now and then. It was good and quick.

Nowadays, I've (more or less) accepted my sexual orientation and preferences, so I'm open to going "wild" and fucking myself.

The problem:

While it feels really good, I just can't seem to get enough. Even when I jerk off while fucking myself, I end up craving more 5 –10 minutes later. It's as if my balls weren't completely emptied.

This morning, I came twice while playing with my ass in about 30 minutes, and then, five minutes later, I had to cum a third time without any anal stimulation just so I could stop being horny. However, I'm trying to rewire myself to only cum from anal play, so that's not a long-term solution.

Does anyone else notice this difference in sexual release or satisfaction between regular masturbation and masturbating while playing with their ass? Also, what can I do to feel satisfied in a reasonable amount of time? (I'm an adult, time is supposed to be priceless lol)