Am I overthinking it, or have you experienced something similar?
(It turned out a bit long, sorry 😓 also I'm a girl)
I’m a sub and I’ve had some experience with BDSM, but I’ve never really had a long-term partner with whom I could properly explore this side of myself. Now that I’m single, I’d like to find someone I can play with regularly. I’m not necessarily looking for a romantic relationship, but if something more developed naturally, I’d be open to that too.
Recently, I met a Dom(me) online and we clicked really quickly. We talked a lot, started playing online after about a week, and the dynamic between us felt great. We also got along really well outside of BDSM and could talk about everyday things, joke around, etc. After a few weeks, we started discussing meeting in person.
One thing that was important to me was meeting in a public place first rather than immediately meeting at a hotel. I had only seen one photo of her, we had never video-called, and I had never actually met her in person. So, for my own safety, I wanted to make sure she was actually the person I had been talking to, see how we got along in person, and simply check whether there was any chemistry before going somewhere private.
She had previously said that there was no need to rush anything, that my safety was important to her, and that everything would happen at my pace. So I thought this was completely reasonable.
However, when the time came to actually arrange the meeting, she said that meeting somewhere first would be a waste of time and money because we don't live very close to each other, and that she needed to think about it (but I would have been the one to travel to her). After that, our communication very noticeably decreased. She said she was busy, which I completely understood, and I didn't want to pressure her.
After about two weeks of barely talking, things didn't really return to how they had been before. Eventually, when I asked what was happening with the meeting, she told me that she didn't really have time for any kind of relationship right now, but that if I wanted, we could meet at a hotel, have some fun, and then go our separate ways. It was her who wanted a 24/7.
I wasn't looking for a one-night encounter or a one-off scene with someone I barely knew, so I declined. That was the end of that.
Now I'm talking to another Dom(me). She's quite different from the first one and is looking for more of a longer-term play partner situation rather than a 24/7 dynamic, which I'm completely fine with. We actually met in person first, just normally, and it went really well. We talked about meeting again for a scene, and I'm happy to see where things go.
However, lately she's also been much less communicative because she's busy. Normally I would have no problem with that. I understand that people have work, lives, responsibilities, etc., and I'm not someone who expects constant attention or gets upset if someone doesn't have time to talk.
But after what happened with the first Dom(me), I'm starting to wonder whether I'm now projecting that experience onto this situation. Maybe she's genuinely just busy. Or maybe she's losing interest and I'm just reluctant to accept it because of what happened before.
So I'm wondering what do you think about this? Have you ever had an experience like this?
And also, is it unreasonable to expect a first meeting with someone you've only known online to be in a public place before going somewhere private? Personally, I feel like that's a pretty basic safety precaution, especially when you haven't even had a video call with the person.
I'd especially love to hear experiences from you. Is this kind of intense communication at the beginning, followed by a significant decrease once meeting/playing becomes a real possibility, common in BDSM dating? Or am I simply overthinking things because of my previous experience?
P.S. I’ve started wondering if maybe the problem is me? Am I saying something I shouldn't? The situation is a bit disheartening.