u/Turquoise_Mysterio

I'm finding myself masturbating more and more just to calm my brain down. I'm a chronic ruminator and overthinker and was trained to be in a fairly constant state of sexual stimulation in a fast situation.. but now I'm out it's been almost 9 weeks and I feel like the rubbing is a stim that, whilst it does help numb my mind activity, obviously the downside is brain fog and tiredness (I'm yawning all the time, I feel slow - and that's saying something!).

Does anybody else find this and how do you manage to A. stop even if just temporarily (I'm talking about this being a serious habit, my hands go down there any opportunity without thinking sometimes I have to be careful when out).. and B. what soothes a hyperactive mind that gets some very intrusive thoughts when I'm not stimulated?

In May I came away from a situation in which my parents had kept me as a pig on their actual pig farm for many years (more seriously since covid though). I'm not safe and living with my sister but regrettably I am obsessed with going back even though so many people are saying not to and would be disappointed in me 😭 I miss the routine and genuinely just the pleasure of degradation etc.

My situation is complicated. I don't pretend to know what I want. I'm just ruminating constantly and feel like my head will explode so hopefully here will let me express feelings and desires I have to hide.

My parents kept me as a pig. I was their pet. For years. I left in May because I was struggling to push down feelings of wanting to try being normal again. I'm now living with my sister. I have no qualifications, no money, I'm disabled and I feel like starting from scratch is impossible for me in the world.

But that's not the truth of it.. the truth is I want to go back. I want to feel the routine, the structure, the containment. I want to be a farm animal again.

My situation is complicated. I don't pretend to know what I want. I'm just ruminating constantly and feel like my head will explode so hopefully here will let me express feelings and desires I have to hide.

My parents kept me as a pig. I was their pet. For years. I left in May because I was struggling to push down feelings of wanting to try being normal again. I'm now living with my sister. I have no qualifications, no money, I'm disabled and I feel like starting from scratch is impossible for me in the world.

But that's not the truth of it.. the truth is I want to go back. I want to feel the routine, the structure, the containment. I want to be a farm animal again.

My parents own a pig farm and got involved in a wider very private community of farmers that enjoy keeping human livestock. I was introduced to the lifestyle as their pig a long time ago and lived out a lot of this much more intensely since covid happened. I would spend most days in the pig pens, for like 12 hours or more.. had a heating set up, feed tube.. they were very committed to it all as much as we could get away with without wider family or friends ever knowing.

I'm now living with my sister and her husband (she knows, he doesn't - my sister cut my parents off). She wants me to get professional help but I can't tell her how much I miss the lifestyle and crave to go back tbh. It's a horrible dilemma.

Ty for reading my blurt.