u/folderunderpres

I started self medicating with benzos two some years ago. I never did it to get high, just to be able to have a presence in the world and in my own head that was bearable. The anxiety and stress of life was too not to be lived in, and the mess going on with my head didn't allow me to breathe. Diazepam helped with that. By no means was I in a good place, but at least I was in a place.

Life took it turns, I just got back from rehab for opiates a few weeks backs, relapsed, got somehow back on my feet, suddenly got offered a pretty well paying fucking job for my degree and age in this part of the country, but life, man, it keeps choking me. So I started using benzos again. Not to get high, just to get by. And my plan is to continue doing so until it's time to let go. I can't function with the copious amount of stress, shame and anxiety going on in my day to day life. I'd rather shoot myself to the ground.

I don't take these pills because I want too, I do it because I have to. Because I have to be a functional new employee at the office on Monday. Because I want to answer my friends instead of laying under my blanket crippled by anxiety. To have the guts to call my mom and tell her things are fucked instead of just putting my phone on 'do not disturb' for days on end.

If it has to be with benzodiazepines, then so fucking be it

I hate that I ever picked up this habit. It was the last semester of uni during my internship as a journalist that I thought I might as well take a xan, those I did so many of during the xandemic with all the homies. The stress was out of this world, it was clear to me that I probably suffered from some kind of anxiety disorder, because everything in my life was playing out perfect: I was in motion, advancing, making my parents and those around me proud. I was traveling all over the continent to interview fascinating people and was even considered somewhat a talent. But I was off the entire time. The anxiety was so overwhelming at times. So I took that Xanax.

That was back in 2024. Two detoxes and a few months of clean periods later, the latter ending yesterday, I come to think that is it possible I can only ever feel normal when on a slight dose? Not anything abnormal, I've never been one to take 10mg alprazolam in an evening. 0.5-1mg pr day. I know what the obvious answer is, and deep down I'm probably not looking for an answer from any of you, but more so understanding. I hate that it have to be this way.

I quit benzos after a 5 week taper two months ago and got back home to my city a few days ago from the treatment center I was staying at in the midst of the taper. Since then, I've ben dwelled in anxiety. It was no problem at the treatment center, which is such a paradox to me, but after I got home; can't even look my roomie in the eye, a few flings I've had has been messaging me, but ignored, no energy to see friends or even go for a run. Just as important, I got a job interview tomorrow for a very nice position with an even nicer starting salary, and at some point I had to acknowledge very directly before myself: you're not gonna do that well unless you have something to take the edge off, and so I did, I bought the damn benzos again. Answered the flings, fucked around, was happy biking around the city with a corona in hand, calling friends back for the first time. But truly the sad part is I know there really isn't any other alternative right now. If I can't be somewhat well functioning, what purpose is there even? If I can't even get out of my house, then fuck that job. If this is what keeps me above the water, what else am I even really to do?