u/hicats_rcute

i never took anything else besides xanax. But im looking for something with a similar feeling. that makes you go all drowsy and numb. i don't know much about drugs but I could use some recommendations please... also i dont want something too strong.. I still wanna be able to get up in the morning i just wanna numb my brain and feel dreamy for a while. Im looking to learn more so can someone teach me plspls

for context: my mom and dad got divorced when i was 5years old as they had an arranged marriage and my dad was also into drinking at times. she took my custody and I stayed with her and my grandparents home. but they were annoyed by my mom being there as they wanted to get rid of her (married.) and so we had to move out because of the complicated relationship and rent a lot of homes to stay into. & also spent a few nights in the car.

in the meanwhile my mom was also working a lot and had a pretty good qualification so we were okay despite it being just us two. sometimes when she'd go to work id have to tag along or sometimes she'd drop me off to my dad's. They were still talking and she also didnt want me to miss my dad so id often switch between the two of them and stay at his for the weekend. I loved my dad and we had a close relationship. he'd always buy me tons of snacks and toys and even things for my mom too. he had this apartment and I remember a big tv in his room where I used to watch YouTube and those kids toys unboxing videos. well one day I was getting bored and started playing with his laptop. and so I saw some porn videos on there. I dont remember clearly how he found me but I do remember me asking him about it and him being very casual and explaining it to me. after that I went back home to mom's and didn't tell her anything about it. given I was already pretty quiet for my age. I went to school as normal. The next time I stayed over was for a public holiday and that's when I asked him about why the woman in the video was screaming. (moaning.) he then said it was because of pleasure. I must have been 7 I'm not too sure. I then asked him what did it feel like, he told me it was an orgasm. I then asked him if he could give me one. he hesitated for a while and then I remember him telling me to lay down. the big tv still had my favourite show on. I remember the bed being quite big and it always felt cold. I don't know if I should get into too much details on this part but that's when he started touching my clit. I don't remember much of the feeling. but I remember liking it. after he was done the rest feels a but blurry in my head, I think i just fell asleep and we cuddled as normal. The next day I returned back to mom and he did tell me that this should be our secret and our game. which I understood. also my mom was sometimes very emotional with me. she was struggling and I think that's also one of the reasons I never told her and listened to my dad. So I didn't really have doubts about his words. Then the next time I visited him, I would ask him for an orgasm. and he would do it to me. It was just like something he'd do to make me happy. and I remember it feeling very nice and I enjoyed it a lot. My mom would pick me up after we had spent the day together and sometimes she would also spend the day us 3 like a family. Except we weren't and it did make me sad to know that. But didnt make a fuss about it. Okay so the next time I visited for the weekend my mom had to stay at the hospital late so she had dropped me off at his as an emergency I remember it being 11pm or so. I was excited and deep down had a weird feeling in my stomach thinking about having an orgasm. Almost like butterflies. That night things got a bit different and after he removed my... he also did the same to his.

Okay I think this needs a p3? it's very long. I will update soon.

I saw some porn on his laptop. I must have been 6 and asked him about it. he explained it to me, and told me that this was what grown ups do. My mom was already divorced to him and I usually stayed with her but would spend a couple of days at his when she was working. At some point I asked him why the woman was screaming (moaning) and he told me it's because it feels good, he didn't make much of it in the moment and treated it as something very casual. Later on he explained to me what an orgasm was. I was curious so I asked if he could give me one. I don't remember much of his reaction but he did tell me to lay down and would do it gently. He performed the deed... the first time I don't remember having an orgasm but felt very ticklish and it did feel good. After that everytime I visited him I asked him for one and actually enjoyed it. He would do it to me. I hate myself for saying I liked it. I'm so disgusting. But it went on until he eventually made me touch him as well... and it escalated. I was 9 when he died. Till this day I never told my mom about it. She has enough worries of her own as a single mother. And I was a quiet child and didn't talk much and never made a fuss or complained. I have now become very hypersexual and can only get wet thinking about cnc, ddlg or rough painful play. I hate myself very much for liking it and remembering how I felt. It makes me so wet... I know that I'm wrong. I don't know if i can ever get aroused from gentle sex and I don't know if someone can fix that. :(