u/karmasadism

Submission is negotiated with a partner. It isn't something strangers in a kink space can demand.

Let me make a clean distinction, because I think it gets blurred constantly here.

The critique of low-effort submissives is fair. People who won't read, won't think, want to be spoon-fed. "Weaponised incompetence" is a real thing and I'm not relitigating it.

But at times that critique gets stretched into something else. When a submissive person states an opinion as an equal, or pushes back on a point in general discussion, it can get mentally filed alongside the entitled, inconsiderate "topping from the bottom" type, as if speaking up at all were the same thing as that. It isn't. Those are two different things, and lumping them together is a mistake worth calling out plainly.

To be clear about where I'm coming from. I genuinely love being submissive in a long-term dynamic, and I value putting my partner's needs and role ahead of my own. That's real for me. But this is a kink and a fantasy, and above all it's consensual, which means it's specific. You can't demand that level of submission from anyone on the internet, or from me in a casual thread. I'll happily yield that control to the particular person I've chosen to give it to. It isn't a blank check for strangers.

Submission is negotiated. You hand it to a specific partner, on specific terms, inside a specific dynamic. That's the entire structure of consent. It's bounded, chosen, and contextual. It does not extend, by default, to every person you happen to be in a thread with. A submissive person having a normal back-and-forth opinion in a meta discussion is not "topping from the bottom." They're just talking. The role lives inside the arrangement it was negotiated in. It does not follow anyone into the comment section.

There's a related habit worth naming, and it cuts across every kind of dynamic. I've seen dominants of every stripe do it. People stating what "real" submission is, full stop, as if there's one correct form everyone should strive toward. I would advocate for different phrasing. Something like "I prefer an arrangement where submission looks like this." Or "this is what I need from a dynamic." One can put it in a kink column, and that column can hold anything two consenting adults agree to, up to and including a full slavery dynamic, because that's exactly what it is. Negotiated, consensual play between specific people. What doesn't work is stating, in general, what submission must be for everyone. A dominant prescribing a universal standard to strangers who never negotiated with them isn't setting a high bar. They're describing their own preference as a rule. Not because the preference is wrong, but because a preference stated as a universal stops being a preference. This is a kink space, not a servitude forum with a rulebook.

Treating discussion deference as something you're owed gets the principle backwards. Consent is specific. The moment "submission" becomes a posture you expect from strangers who never negotiated it with you, it stops being a kink and starts being an entitlement.

I don't think most people do this deliberately. It's an easy slip. But it's worth mentioning directly, because the whole thing rests on one idea. Submission is chosen, and it has limits. A foundation like that should hold in how we talk and react, not just how we play.

Something I've noticed, take it for what it's worth. The people who actually treat submission as negotiated, who put in the effort to say what they want and where their limits are, usually turn out to be the ones whose dynamics go the distance. I'm not stating it as a rule. It's just a pattern I keep seeing. Communicating clearly seems to come first, and the real connection follows from it.

If you think I've drawn that line wrong, I'd genuinely like to hear where. That's the discussion I want.

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u/karmasadism — 3 days ago

32 [M4F] #anywhere Mature Emotional Guy looking for a life partner.

Firstly, I would like to mention that I am not submissive to the world, nor am I submissive to all women. Heck, I even get into trouble sometimes because even though my responses are polite, I have a habit of taking the liberty to talk like an equal in subreddits like r/FemdomCommunity. Because there is a very common stereotype in our community of clueless, cocky men who like to dictate exactly how they want to be dominated without giving any actual importance to their female partner, a few Dommes are just overwhelmed by such men. By default, they can become a little hostile when coming across a confident man in the subreddit.

I do want to submit and serve though, but only to one person, to my special someone. I have no hesitation in taking and accepting that helper/sidekick role to my leader publicly either. I want to be comfortable being emotionally vulnerable in front of her.

I grew up with my mom and older sister at home; my father passed away when I was about 11. I was always the tallest among my friends, so I never got bullied or picked on. However, growing up with my mum and sis, I had this notion in my mind that I always had to act tough and appear dominant to the world. So, I did that. I used to smile less and put on a fake stone face when I went out with them, and I would watch anyone who looked at my sister. It came naturally to me as I was always tall, and I eventually grew up to be a 6'3" man.

While I eventually stopped giving fake angry looks to every stranger who looked at my mum or sis, I still never became expressive of my thoughts or feelings. When I started talking to girls, I automatically took on the dominant role again. I think around the COVID days was the first time I started to read about femdom. The more I read and discovered, the more I realized how this space could allow me to be open emotionally. Still, it took me a few years to truly understand and accept that this is what I need.

Around 2 years ago, I met a beautiful person here. We talked for almost a year and were about to meet up, but it sadly fell apart. It’s a story in itself, so I’ll try not to get sidetracked too much right now. But yeah, that was how I found this space. After last year, while I did feel a little alone, I missed her too much to be able to find someone else, so I just tried to keep myself busy with work. I am a game developer, so it can be time-consuming work. Currently, I am making a game by myself which can be a little stressful, but I am financially secure with savings.

Life goals and relationship goals are a little intertwined for me. While mutual compatibility and a genuine connection are the most important things to me, and life goals being something mutual to be discussed and achieved by a couple together. Being a pleaser, I would naturally want to put my partner's goals first. However, to mention some dreamy goals when I think about the future: I want to lead a peaceful life somewhere safe but rural, surrounded by nature, maybe near a big city. But if we have to live in a big city for some reason, I would want to travel to beautiful natural places in between. I like to introspect, meditate, and learn new things.

As for kinks, I don't really have any "must-haves." We can talk and discuss things at whatever stage, and since I don't have strict requirements, it won't matter much. I do have limits though: no scat, no extreme blood stuff, and no unhygienic stuff (with the possible exception of pee/watersports). Maybe my desire to be liked and my desire to impress my partner so much that she becomes possessive of me or even controlling/restrictive, maybe that can be considered a kink. I am not needy, but I want to be openly clingy and emotionally vulnerable. I want to reach the point where I feel confident trying to cling to you even if you have to focus on something else and have to ignore me. Ideally, I'd like to become that comfortable, but I'll never demand your attention. I'll seek it, yes, and it would be a dream if I get a possessive partner. When I think of an ideal partner, I think a mature woman, maybe someone with more experience, will be a better fit for me, but I could be wrong.

I like watching documentaries, true crime documentaries, travel vlogs, meditating, and I am on and off with exercising, but I keep relatively fit. I also like learning new things, and I really want to learn to cook all my partner's favorite foods.

Currently, I am living in India, but I plan on moving out after I finish the game I've been working on. I have a few places in mind, but I haven't been able to make up my mind because I don't have a current partner, and also because I'll get better clarity in a few months after releasing the project I am working on.

Thanks a lot for reading, and I know I probably missed a lot of useful information. Please ask me when you message me if I pique your interest.

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u/karmasadism — 4 days ago