r/FemdomCommunity

Hi all, I’m in a relatively new dynamic with someone who I’ve known online for years. It’s been close to 2 months now & we see each other irl regularly, text & call.

It’s doesn’t feel like a dynamic that I’ve been in before & feels more like a romantic relationship at times, although we haven’t defined it as of yet.

I asked him before we decided to be in a dynamic what he was looking for & his response was “I have no expectations, I’m happy to go with the flow.” He has been struggling with the rules we agreed at the start of our dynamic & I’m starting to feel like I’m micromanaging him, which is not something I want to do as a Domme.

Because he is struggling with the rules I asked him again what it was he wanted & I got the same response. I should add that when I did ask him, he said he’s still getting used to them. He’s had Dommes before who set rules so he’s not new to D/s dynamics.

This isn’t sitting well with me as it feels like he isn’t as bothered with the dynamic as I am. His response of “I have no expectations” is something that concerns me, it makes me feel that he’s just entered into a dynamic with any Domme who happened to come along.

Have any other Dommes experienced this or similar? As I’m not sure how to handle it.

And I’d also love to hear from any subs, what’s going on for you when you’re not following rules. How would you like your Domme to approach it?

Hey everyone, pls read carefully thanks for your time 😭🥺

I'm hoping to get some real advice from people here who have actually managed to build safe, genuine connections.
I live in a very conservative country, so meeting anyone locally who is open to this lifestyle is pretty much impossible. That leaves me looking online, but honestly it feels like a minefield. I've already dealt with a really bad experience and got scammed in the past, so staying safe and avoiding fake people or financial pushers is my top priority now.

I really want to understand how subs and Dommes connect in a normal, safe way without getting burned judged or misstreated just because who you are and what are you into neglctibg alll ur inteluctual and phylosophy of your life

To be open about what I'm looking for, I want a low pressure connection. Something casual or open where we respect each other's space and private lives, but still talk like real human beings outside the roleplay with touch of being submssive and showing it. On the dynamic side, I'm really into gentle Femdom, feminization, breaking down my masculinity, and stepping into a softer, femboy or omega role and sissyboy for a dominant woman who is actually into submssive man and sissfied man that dont show outside but inside they are soft + am open to try any kinks that my dom desires. But more than anything, I need someone who values normal conversation, mutual trust, and basic respect rather than jumping straight into a scripted scam or toxic trap.
Language isn't an issue for me since I speak English, French, and Spanish, but figuring out where to look is the hard part. Sites like FetLife and regular dating apps haven't worked at all and just feel full of noise or bots.
For the subs and Dommes here who found a real dynamic:
How did you actually meet each other safely?
How do you filter out scammers early on to make sure the other person actually wants a real, human connection?
Are there any specific spaces or approaches that genuinely worked for you?
Thanks for reading and for any honest advice you can share.

sorry if this is not really what this reddit is for but maybe someone here can point me in the right direction? i would love to be included with another domme(s) for friendship. it would be so nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of and just talk about the highs and lows of femdom/FLR.

all my IRL friends are all submissive and wouldn’t understand the concept of a woman being the dominant one. which is totally cool but it would be nice to have someone to talk kink with from time to time!

again i am so sorry if this isn’t the correct platform for this question but all the threads i can find are mostly just porn/advertisements. TIA!!

For over a week now, I've been getting used to wearing a chastity cage as this is completely new to me (I'm loving it for the record). I gave control of myself to my Domme, and I want to give her more control with the keys. We are online dynamic, and one of the things I saw was to place the keys in a Bluetooth lockbox which is app controlled and has logs.

So now the question, can any Dommes or subs recommend a good Bluetooth lock which will accommodate this? The way I want this to work is for the keys to be in the lockbox, my Owner to have primary control, and for me to have access for routine or emergencies. Anytime I open the lockbox, I would like it so my Owner is notified via her phone with an app. Please and thank you.

I’d like to penetrate my sub and am trying to find comfortable positions for them where I still have some access. They have some mobility issues with their hips, so I don’t want to stress that part. Does anyone have advice on positions that work? Right now I’ve been using pillows which aren’t the best.

Edit: have been getting some DMs, don’t dm me

I am 27 and when it comes to kink and arousal, femdom has always been important. When it comes to the casual relationships I sought out, it's always been Domme/sub relationships.

But when it comes to romantic preferences, my choice of a woman is quite the opposite. I always like and prefer soft, gentle women. Shy, quiet, introverted women, and women who are kind of submissive. I have never been able to see a dominant woman in a romantic light.

Now that time is passing by, I am getting more and more confused about what kind of partner to seek. For falling in love, I can think of nothing else but a soft and gentle woman. At the same time, nowadays I don't usually feel turned on sexually without indulging in femdom.

How does someone in my shoes seek out a partner? Does the phase of wanting femdom remain only like a phase and goes away when you find a romantic partner?

I am new at understanding this dynamic. And as far as I see online, a big emphasis is put on men being weak and needy when they are submissive.

It almost feels like the concept masculine and submissive is used as contrary to each other - which I am not sure if it’s true.

As someone who feels both masculine and submissive at the same time, I am not sure how to navigate this.

I consider myself a strong, independent, successful gentleman. But I feel naturally submissive in my personal life and happy to be led. Whether if it’s an activity, choosing a meal, sex life.

So just wondering the take of more experienced doms and subs in this sub.

Mostly a vent post.

I've seen posts and DMs since my journey into this community about people cheating on their partner online. Whenever a guy disappears randomly the comments always suggest he maybe had a secret wife or girlfriend.

I got a DM recently from a guy saying how he was a catch and was keeping his submissive side separate and secret from his partner since she is more submissive—but insisted that he loves her. I asked how he can love her and also be trying to cheat on her. He said he genuinely does love her but it's complex. I told him it's not complex and he can't make it sound better with different words, and that he was just afraid to communicate. He said he'd consider what I said. Unfortunately I didn't know him or his girlfriend so I couldn't tell her.

I've seen this repeatedly and one thing I just fundamentally don't understand is how these people can believe they genuinely love someone else while being selfish and not comfortable enough with the person they supposedly love to tell them they're into femdom. And it isn't flattering to me as a domme either. It's like for some men, the conventional submissive woman is being chosen as a romantic partner to seriously consider while dommes are being seen as a dirty secret. 💀

Why are people getting with partners they can't trust and be comfortable with? Repeatedly I've seen men say: "My ex/exes were sub so I was more dom." Okay? Why did you just assume a role of something you don't like? I get compromise, but these men aren't even compromising they're hiding. They don't tell their partners they're sub. Some remain loyal while wishing for more and others eventually make their way online to cheat.

It's just causing everyone unnecessary grief, including the dommes I've seen posting here. It's genuinely disheartening to see how common this is. I feel bad for the partners of these people especially because some may never find out. 😕

I’m looking for city centre bars who are BDSM friendly where I can take my sub (on his leash obvs) and be comfortable in the D/s relationship in public. There’s nowhere local to us. And everywhere seems to be specific to LGBTQ communities rather than BDSM-friendly. We’re regularly in London but generally not on a weekend when all the club nights seem to happen, and we’re really not looking for clubbing as such- just a move place for a drink and a bit of kink 🙂 any city centre suggestion welcome!

Well. I thought I had a genuine connection. A tale as old as time.

I'm not a newbie. I've been actively practicing kink in my personal life, online, and in an IRL community since 2017. I know how to vet subs. I know when people are genuine. I am extremely active in my kink community, I have met subs of all levels.

I thought he was genuine. I found him online, we had similar interests, politics, and he was so sweet. He listened to everything I had to say, and had no qualms being supportive. We chatted so much. Hours every day. We were compatible in so many ways. He did not act like a pump N go submissive at all.

I'm such an idiot.

He was telling me that he thought he might have the flu. I was so concerned. I told him, don't worry about chatting, please just take medicine and rest. Drink water. Get better.

I drew him a little silly doodle telling him to get well soon.

And then, when it's morning time for him, and I knew he was going to get up soon, I went to check on him again.

Blocked.

Blocked on everything.

Mind you, I've already been crying for hours for unrelated reasons this morning. And now, at the end of my day, when I am tired and my eyes are already swollen, I find this out.

Sigh.

If you get contacted by a male sub named any of these things

subby2235

ryanwalker2235

ilovefeet2235

the 2 cent show

Please save yourself some time and just block.

He's a 20something New Zealand boy that loves anime and the blue jays baseball team.

My heart is broken.

It's been a month since I started being a femdom ,I did have my first sub while exploring the dynamic myself, kinda of tasks I can give online since it's mainly through sexting(which I still struggle with,I need help in that too) every single time I feel anxious as much as I like doing it I start belittling myself with thoughts what if he will feel bored what can I do to give him the same pleasure sometimes I even doubt myself if it's the right path for me ?!

I've read the guides, and I thought I put together a pretty good personals post (please see my profile. I'm happy to attach an example here as well!), but I'm not getting many bites. I've even made multiple revisions but to no avail. So, here I am.
I'm not asking you all for help out of laziness. I would just genuinely appreciate your help in fixing up my posts to attract the right Domme.

Thank you very much for reading this, and I hope to hear your thoughts!

I’m curious about something I’ve been thinking about lately. Do people seek out an online dynamic based more around connection, trust, guidance, care and companionship?

I like the idea of taking things slowly, getting to know someone and seeing whether a natural dynamic develops.

For those who’ve experienced an online dynamic like this, what made it work for you?

Like the title says I’m just venting because this was so so frustrating. So quick background i am 18 years old I’m a college student and I’m a submissive/little and I was looking in a ton of sites for someone to mommy me or dom me gently in person. So I was on a popular site for that kind of stuff and I found a girl in her mid 20s that lived 90 minutes away from me. We got to talking and she said she was a sub leaning witch but she was open to playing with me as my domme. She said she’d peg me for the first time ever and was open to anything else as well. I was so excited that I might finally get the chance to live out a big fantasy of mine so we kept taking and she finally just said that she wanted $150 for an hour of play or $600 for an overnight thing. Now I’m a broke college kid with a tiny wallet (my parents have money but they don’t let me use it freely like that they want me to be responsible). I told her that and she said she’d do 100 dollars for an hour and that she’d peg me and let me lose my virginity to her and that she’s even spank me if I wanted, and also that I could cum as many times as I wanted. She even offered to drive to me 90 min then take me to her place then bring me back again. I actually agreed to that and again was so excited but then realized that it was just super illegal to do this kinda stuff. I got a panic attack because I was thinking that I was putting my future at risk for one hour of pleasure (if it would even feel good because I don’t know what pegging feels like). I told her after that I wasn’t gonna send her the money because I was too nervous about committing a crime. She was kind and tried to convince that everything was gonna be ok but I just didn’t feel right about it.

Not really looking for advice just needed a community with similar interests to vent to. I feel like she was almost trying to take advantage of my lack of experience and use me for money, as do most other dommes that I meet just because they turn out to be findoms which I don’t get. It’s upsetting because I want a genuine connection to those that I meet up with. Not a LTR but I want them to want to get with me not just be doing it for money. Anyway thanks for listening

Hi everyone!

Sorry in advance, this is going to be long. I’m giving quite a lot of context because I think the details matter, and I’d really like perspectives from people with more experience than me rather than a simple “leave him” or “you’re jealous because he got a girlfriend.”

I’m still fairly new as a Domme. I’ve had other encounters, but this is my first real ongoing, dedicated submissive. We’ve been in this dynamic for a little over six months.

I want to make one thing clear from the beginning: I am not in love with him, and I have never wanted him to be my conventional boyfriend. I am, however, deeply attached to him as a person and as a presence in my life. Over these six months he became an important and fairly regular part of my everyday life.

We would often see each other around once a week, sometimes more, sometimes less depending on life. This was not just someone I occasionally ordered around online. He would come to my home. Sometimes he would come in the morning just to wake me up and serve me. He would cook for me. We would spend time together, have a lot of sex, cuddle, talk, experiment, and explore kink together.

He actually has more practical BDSM experience than I do, even though I’m the Dominant in our relationship. He enjoys buying toys and has accumulated a ridiculous collection of them, and a lot of our sexual relationship involved bringing things over, experimenting, discovering preferences and exploring what we both enjoyed.

There was also a financial/service aspect to our dynamic. He has supported me financially and given me gifts as part of his submission, but there has also been ordinary real-world trust between us outside of kink. For example, he recently bought a house. At one point I temporarily helped him financially with part of the purchase and he reimbursed me exactly as agreed. There was never any issue whatsoever around that. I trusted him, and I think he trusted me.

I mention this because I don’t want to give the impression that our connection was a purely sexual fantasy or an online arrangement. We had developed a real, established relationship around the D/s.

At the time, he was living with a woman I understood to be his flatmate. I knew they spent time together. I knew they had dinners together and obviously shared part of their daily life because they lived together. But it had never been presented to me as a romantic relationship developing in front of me.

Then everything changed very quickly.

He told me that he had fallen in love with her and that they were now entering a serious conventional relationship. She is also apparently planning to move with him into the house he has just bought. Again: him falling in love is not the betrayal for me. I never expected romantic exclusivity, we discussed about this. I did not expect him to ask my permission before having feelings for someone. I am not competing with her for the role of girlfriend.

What I’m struggling with is how the transition was handled and what it has done to our existing relationship.

He says that he had wanted to explain everything to me face-to-face. During that period, however, we had holidays, work travel and scheduling difficulties, so we didn’t manage to have that conversation immediately.

I can understand preferring an important conversation in person.

What I have a much harder time accepting is that, while supposedly waiting to tell me, he continued behaving towards me largely as though nothing fundamental was changing.

I started noticing things myself. And then I had to ask questions. And more questions. And more specific questions. I genuinely feel that if I had not noticed inconsistencies and kept digging, he would not have volunteered the full picture at that point.

Meanwhile, one of the things he was telling me was that I would probably have much less time with him. So there was this strange situation where apparently there was important information he wanted to save for a face-to-face conversation, while at the same time I was already being told to expect a reduced place in his life.

That is one of the things that makes me feel betrayed, although I’m still not sure “betrayal” is exactly the right word.

Maybe breach of trust or betrayal of relational trust is closer.

It feels as though the architecture of our relationship changed around me and I was informed once much of it was already decided.

There was another thing around the same period that hurt more than I expected: he forgot my birthday. Normally I wouldn’t present forgetting a birthday as some enormous relationship crime. But he had previously talked a lot about celebrating it, gifts, travel, things he wanted to do for me, etc. In the context of everything else, it reinforced this feeling of hearing a lot about how important I am while his actual behaviour was starting to place me somewhere very different.

His explanation for a lot of this is that he is extremely impulsive.

And I actually believe him.

He describes himself as someone who goes “100%” into things. He says this is how he was with me too: when he wanted to submit to me, he went fully into it.

But I’m now seeing the uncomfortable other side of that personality trait.

He can go 100% into me, then go 100% into buying a house, then go 100% into a new serious relationship and the people already in his life are left adapting to the consequences of whatever he has gone 100% into next.

His new girlfriend knows that he is submissive and kinky. The problem is that she does not like that side of him. From what he has told me, she would not be comfortable with or accept the kind of submissive/D/s relationship he has with me.

She also does not know the full reality of who I am to him or what our relationship has been.

That creates the biggest ethical issue for me.

• He still wants to be my submissive.
• He still wants to serve me.
• He still wants the sexual/D/s side.
• He still wants to give financially.
• He still wants my attention and affection.

In fact, since entering this new relationship, I sometimes feel like he is craving more attention from me, not less - presumably because the submissive part of him has nowhere to go in his conventional relationship.

But I absolutely do not want to become the secret compartment where he gets to express the part of himself his girlfriend does not accept. At one point the possibility was essentially raised that, if necessary, our relationship could simply remain private or that I could be presented as “a friend.”

I am extremely uncomfortable with that.

To me, if she would make different choices about their relationship if she knew he was still having an ongoing sexual/D/s relationship with me, then hiding that information is not ethical non-monogamy. It is deception.

And I do not consent to being made part of that deception.

There are also very practical consequences now.

• He is moving almost an hour away from me.
• His girlfriend has his location. I don’t find location sharing itself strange — I’ve done it with partners, friends and family too.
• But in practice he now worries that if he comes to my part of the city she may ask why he is there.

So suddenly, seeing me has become this logistical puzzle.

• When can she not see his location?
• When is she busy?
• Where could we meet without creating questions?
• Could I travel somewhere?
• Could he briefly meet me here or there?
• Could we do more remotely?

And I keep thinking: this is not how I want to experience my own D/s relationship.

I don’t want to be squeezed into whatever secret 30-minute slot remains available around somebody else’s couple. And, frankly, it also clashes badly with the dynamic itself.

He calls me his Queen. He talks about serving me, making my life easier, showing me my importance and proving his value to me.

Yet I’m now apparently supposed to be highly flexible, travel around according to his restrictions, be available when circumstances allow and accept whatever scraps of physical availability survive his new relationship.

There is something almost absurd to me about being called someone’s Queen while being treated logistically like an inconvenience that needs to be hidden.

And I don’t want to turn our dynamic into a primarily online relationship either.

We did plenty remotely before: tasks, games, messages, teasing, service, sexual things.

But the online component worked because it was an extension of our physical relationship. Maybe he had come over that morning, woken me up and served me sexually. Maybe we had spent the previous evening together. Maybe we had recently experimented with something new. The remote dynamic continued something that already existed between our bodies and in our everyday lives.

If we barely see one another anymore, online tasks do not feel like an equivalent replacement to me. They feel like trying to preserve the shell of the old dynamic after removing a large part of what gave it meaning.

And this is where I’m stuck.

• He keeps telling me that he does not want to lose me.
• I believe him.
• I believe he is genuinely attached to me.
• I believe his submission to me matters enormously to him.
• He has even described our relationship as something that has helped him enormously psychologically and given him an outlet he really needs.

But I cannot become responsible for regulating him because his girlfriend does not like an important part of his sexuality whilst not having her consent.

And I don’t want his need for me to become the reason I continue something that no longer feels good to me. I also don’t want money, gifts, sexual service or submission to function as substitutes for repairing trust.

He often approaches the problem as: How can I still serve you? What can I do remotely? When can we meet? How can I keep supporting you, even by just sending a regular bank transfer?

Whereas internally I’m thinking: that isn’t the part that broke.

Something in my trust towards him has changed.

Something in the way I experience his submission has changed too.

Before, receiving service from him felt connected to this larger relationship we had built together.

Now sometimes it feels like he wants to preserve access to the parts of our dynamic that fulfil him while I’m supposed to accept that the surrounding relationship has fundamentally changed.

And because this is my first serious, ongoing submissive, I’m questioning myself.

• Am I expecting too much?
• Is this normal when a submissive enters a conventional relationship?
• Am I confusing attachment with entitlement?
• Or is my discomfort actually telling me that some very reasonable relational and ethical expectations were violated?

I would really appreciate input from experienced Dommes, particularly around a few things:

• Would you consider this a genuine breach of trust even though we never had romantic exclusivity?
• How much proactive disclosure would you expect from an established submissive when another relationship is developing in a way that will fundamentally affect your dynamic?
• Would full knowledge and consent from the new partner be a non-negotiable requirement before continuing sexual/D/s contact?
• Would you continue a dynamic if the submissive’s partner knew he was kinky but explicitly did not accept the specific ongoing relationship he wanted to maintain with you?
• How do you handle a submissive who genuinely needs and values your dynamic but whose life circumstances now make the relationship significantly worse for you?
• How do you tell the difference between repairing a relationship and simply preserving service/sex/submission because the submissive is afraid to lose access to it?
• And, particularly for other newer Dommes: did your first significant rupture with a dedicated submissive make you question what you were actually “allowed” to expect emotionally and relationally?

I don’t think he is evil. I don’t even think he deliberately set out to hurt me.

I think he can genuinely care about me and still have handled this badly.

I also don’t necessarily want strangers to simply tell me to dump him.

I’m trying to understand what exactly was broken here, whether it can realistically be repaired, and what an ethical version of continuing this relationship would even look like.

Because right now I know that I’m attached to him, I know that I don’t want him as a boyfriend, and I know that I still care about him.

But I also know that the dynamic I had six months ago and the one currently being offered to me do not feel like the same relationship.

Thanks in advance for your comments and opinions!

I need to know… are there many Dommes and subs here who are into the same kind of music? 😂

I was really into grunge, skate punk, alt and psych rock when I was younger, and now I’m rediscovering a lot of it in my 40s. NOFX, Pennywise and Silverchair and all those old favourites are creeping back into my playlists😂

I’ve also loved Amyl and the Sniffers for years, and “Got You” has been getting a lot of play lately 🇦🇺

So, fellow Dommes and subs… what are you listening to? Give me your favourite punk, skate punk, emo, alt or psych rock songs🎸

If you rolled your eyes reading this question, then probably this isn't for you.

I'm trying to build an irl dynamic so I've been using dating apps (feeld) and going to kinky socials, but I'm having a hard time building a connection. I generally have a hard time connecting with people in everyday life (and I'm working on that), but dommes, how do (did) you approach being vulnerable to establish that connection while still being able to gauge real interest and weed out the users?

I have been in the community for a while, but haven’t had a long term play sub before. I am meeting someone who wants that, I’ve only done gentle domme stuff in the past. Previous “mommy” reached out since she is leaving the state and he needs a new domme. She said he liked things very rough. I am struggling a little with the idea of that, since I’ve only ever been gentle before. Is there a thing or mantra you use to help you get there or place you back in the session to be tough. Although this is a new extension of community, I am oddly nervous. All suggestion or insights are helpful.

Edit - Of course I spoke with him as well. She initially reached out to me, for him. But we (he and I) discussed expectations and desires. He also agreed with her on what these are.

My best friend and I live together, love each other, have sex, and basically act like a couple, just without the official label. She’s had some bad experiences with relationships in the past and is still pretty hesitant about calling what we have a relationship. We are exclusive though.

We’ve also talked before about both being open to some kind of open relationship in the future, and she’s recently been reading a bit about poly too.

On top of that, we’ve been exploring more kink stuff lately. She currently has me in chastity and seems to enjoy the dominant side of it way more than I expected. During one of our sessions I finally admitted that I’m really into cuckolding fantasies.

Her reaction surprised me in a good way. She got pretty into the idea and teased me about tying me up, keeping me locked, making me watch her with someone else, looking me in the eyes while it happens, and not letting me touch myself. She seemed especially turned on by the idea of being fucked by someone else while looking at me.

Later, outside of the actual session, she said:

“I can’t really say whether I’d like it or not if I’ve never tried it. But the fantasy is hot.”

Which obviously got my attention lol. I don’t want to overinterpret it, but it does sound at least somewhat open-minded to me.

Right now we’re also physically apart. I’m away during the week for training because I recently started a new apprenticeship, and she’s about to be away for three weeks at rehab. She wants to try keeping me chaste during those three weeks too, so the whole distance/control aspect is already pretty intense.

For me, jealousy is definitely part of the cuckolding kink. The idea of her finding someone else attractive, flirting, kissing or having sex with someone else makes me jealous, but also really turns me on. Romantic jealousy is a different story though. The idea of her building an actual romantic relationship with someone else hits me much harder and brings up real fear of being replaced.

If we ever did try something, I’d also really want it to be about her own sexuality and pleasure, not just her doing something with another guy because it turns me on.

So I’m curious what people with experience think:

• Does this sound like something worth slowly exploring, or should we wait until our relationship is more clearly defined?
• Does her reaction sound like genuine curiosity, or would you still treat it as purely fantasy for now?
• How do you separate sexual openness from romantic openness in practice?
• Would you leave the topic alone during these three weeks apart and talk properly afterwards?
• What are good first steps before actually involving another person?

I’m not trying to rush her into anything. I’m mainly trying to figure out whether this could genuinely become something we both enjoy.

So for you experienced players out there, what's your favorite unusual toys or items that aren't "standard" kink toys? (Treat "standard" as subjective, in your judgment)

By way of example, she'll put itching powder down my shirt before we leave the house just to ensure i'm thinking about it the whole trip. Itching powder isnt exactly part of a normal domme's cabinet of curiosities.