r/FemdomCommunity

Idk how to start this and English is not my first language.

So I just wanted to ask people here is it also tiring for you to be a part of a fantasy and be locked at like that and not a person?

This actually makes me want to quit femdom as a whole I'm just emotionally drained when talking to those types of subs and they're the only ones who reach out

I need advice on how to find genuine connection and not fall in those situations again

Thank you <3

After twenty years of being with my wife, we've gradually developed a rather pronounced FLR (Familial, Sexual, and Reproductive) dynamic; in practical terms, my wife has trained me, and I am extremely submissive. I am at her feet and obey her every whim in all aspects of our lives. Looking back, considering the nature of each sex, current society, and our life expectancy, I don't think there are any other reliable models for maintaining long-term harmony in a relationship than the husband's submission to his wife. Have any of you ever considered this, or do you think my opinion is completely outlandish?

Hello, welcome to part 2 of my semi-unethical experiment. (I act like a therapist, talk to people, make notes, come back to reddit with my findings, even the obvious ones because they can still be useful to someone, blah blah.)

Now that that’s out of the way, one of my points in my previous post was:

>“I mostly expected people wanting to play with blackmail, humiliation and manipulation. But I also got a few who made it clear they wanted a low-key chat instead. So despite my post being mostly about the darker aspects of this, I got surprisingly wholesome responses sometimes from those who want to feel heard, feel taken care of, and encouraged.”

I’ve since then explicitly mention that I welcome those who want something more nurturing and encouraging too. I’m not surprised about someone just looking for a familiar person to confide in, but I posted in an extortion subreddit, so I wasn’t expecting anyone that wasn’t into blackmail to be lurking there 🤣

 

Now the interesting part (for me), is that this group now outnumbers the people seeking sessions about humiliation, manipulation, blackmail fantasies, and wanting to “get worse” or be punished for their kinks.

 

Which got me thinking about something that has nothing to do with kink: we've lost reciprocity as a skill. Everyone wants to be heard, but the ability of being a good listener gets rarer every day. That gap is widening, and people are quietly starving for it. A space as vulnerable as BDSM lets people open up in ways they rarely do elsewhere, which makes it a very good setting for real connection, if the dynamic allows it.

 

Getting back on topic, softness can absolutely mean mommydomme energy for some people, but not necessarily in a sexual way either, softness more as in:

·  being understood

·  being emotionally handled carefully

·  being accepted after admitting something taboo

·  being able to drop the performance for a second

 

The part I find most interesting:

Some of the people who came to me specifically for degradation and control have shifted. Not away from the dynamic, but the energy has moved from "ruin me" to "please understand me." It’s not everyone of course, but I’ve seen that it’s usually the ones I talk to more often.

 

The contrast hits differently when it's the same person. someone teasing you, controlling you, getting inside your head… while still making you feel safe and seen and occasionally check in on you during the week outside of a kink space.

 

The practical result: with them, the send-delete-disappear rate drops to almost zero. They're more consistent, more communicative, and what drives them has shifted from "play time when I'm horny" to something that looks a lot more like genuine connection. Said a million times but worth repeating, “Pay me pig” isn’t very effective, much less for longer term things. There’s still the few that basically “can’t believe I told you that so I’m gonna block you”. And, 3 of the ones that said that came back.

 

So this time, the summary is: whether someone wants to be torn down or gently held, I think they're chasing the same relief, permission to stop performing the version of themselves they show everyone else. Humiliation subs shed it violently. Soft subs shed it gently. Same destination, different roads.

Don't skip aftercare. yeah, a bunch of subs run off before that even becomes relevant. But for the ones still there, it matters more than you might think. I’m guessing people here are aware of that, but since there’s an influx of Twitter/X girls, it should be said.

Of course, playing with the darker stuff is super fun, but that’s gonna be a separate post, this one is already long enough 🥴

And in general, outside of kink, we can all benefit from being kinder to each other and being better friends to those around us.

That’s it, let me know your thoughts, and if you don’t have any notes lol, my question for you is what does giving or receiving aftercare look like to you?

I always wanted to try femdom and always felt really excited and having fantasies about making men submit to me 🤭
Beginning of the year I met a sugar daddy online who wanted to spoil me & I tried my luck with him. Told him my boundaries and that I like when men submit to me. I was lucky because that was just what he was into and also wanted to try out being a sub! 😻 I only talked to him online since we lived in different countries and weren’t able to meet up but we often sexted and I would just let my fantasy run wild. Even edging and denying him from across the world! It felt amazing 😻 and while I was trying myself out I realized I am more of a gentle dom? Degrading someone is really something that doesn’t come easy to me. I would more so work with praise and a reward system. Once he send me a bunch of money and a gold bracelet to my home and I send him feet pics as a reward 🤭 through this I thought that maybe I’m just into findom? 🤔 but to be honest, being new to all of this and being autistic just confuses me what the right space for me is 🙈 I’m not sure if I want to interact with someone one on one. Though I think if I’m comfortable with someone I would 🤔
Talking to someone first and building a connection and trust is just important to me before I even start sexting. I never tried out any of the fantasies I have in real life. Only through text so far and still, even that felt amazing and empowering.

Can you help me out? Do I belong more into the findom or femdom space? 😩

With a reading comprehension crisis in full swing, how are you ensuring that potential subs are don't get away with not reading information presented to them about your rules, orders, and practices.

Any special practices you like to implement as a slap on the back of the head?

I ask because potential subs are REALLY failing at simple recall even when the answer is within what they are reading. This is happening across ages so it's not just the youth either.

Any tips, experiences, suggestions?

Hey lovely people. Im sorry if this isnt the right forum for this but i havent found any other place to ask. Ive been searching for a dynamic for a long time by now and i think i speak for all of us submissives when i say its not easy. I understand that its not supposed to be but it shouldnt be impossible right?

What im really wondering about is if any of you lovely dommes would be kind enough to share some advice. Where have you found your submissives and what can we who are looking for someone do to be noticed? I understand that theres alot of guys who are disgusting pieces of shit haha. But we who do our best not to be how can we find you?

Hello everyone reading this. I'm M19

Sometimes when I'm horny I want to be dominated or like given femdom instructions on how to jerk off... But it's really hard to find anyone willing to do that. Onlyfans is mostly chatters and they're trying to suck all the money you have. Reddit on the other hand is easier, but I came across a problem of blackmailing I'm the community (I have been blackmailed twice) and now I kinda don't know what to do, because I want some real human, real connection but I am scared of getting blackmailed.

Is this a standing problem or am I just dumb and didn't figure it out yet?

Thank you everyone for replies!

Something I’ve noticed of late is the way in which blame is apportioned when things go wrong in D/s, or rather, the working assumptions about who is to blame for a failure of communication, or somebody getting hurt. Essentially, it seems to boil down to:

If a scene goes wrong, it’s the fault of the top/dominant

If a dynamic goes wrong, it’s the fault of the submissive.

Obviously, these are both massive overreductions: RACK/PRICK principles place responsibility on both parties for both things, but barring exceptional cases, this seems to be the going assumption.

Does this match your impression of the culture? Again, fully aware that neither assumption matches the complex reality, but Theres power in assumptions and narratives.

Would you watch a less good show because it show a good kink relationship? I understand people will like the classics sopranos ect but is part of being into this finding representation in media like you can on found femdom? Has anyone found themselves liking a show more because it has a good femdom dynamic/femdom scenes?

(Btw we are both virgins for context, as this is both of us's first relationship... very shy quiet people. We only masturbate together but havent done anything else yet)

So, my boyfriend and I have a very equal relationship in dynamic and roles, we are just like best friends honestly, there is no power imbalance at all. I feel so comfortable and I can tell that he does too with how much he opens up and we can be gross and silly together

Because of this dynamic, in like more intimate moments I can very easily be the one in the lead or be more controlling and in fact get him in a totally submissive state

Which is shocking for both of us, I always knew I was more dominant and enjoy it, but we didn't expect that he would submit so much so easily especially as he never thought of being submissive before

We love it and he asks for me to be the one in the lead a lot, but because he is new to it, I am very gentle and nurturing as opposed to agressive

But last night when we were just talking about sex casually I guess we somehow were talking about if I wanted to top him, as in, me penetrating him, and I lit up so obviously

He explicitly says no to strap-ons which I am glad because I wasn't thinking of that anyway, but maybe tmi, i am a girl, but i was born intersex and was born with a very very very large clitoris that basically acts as a small penis, and he likes it a lot, so i was hoping maybe i could try on him some things

He was really into it a lot until i asked about putting a finger inside him he got a lot bit nervous and said he is too scared because my fingers would be so much and that he is worried about it feeling like hes less of a man if he takes it

And i reassured him but felt really embarrassed i opened up about wanting to try penetration in that way

I feel like its a closed case, maybe i spoke about it too soon? He is very new to being submissive anyway

Is there any hope to eventually ask about or explore it or did i totally scare him off

I dont mind if we never do it at ALL

But id really like to

I reassured him so much that i will NEVER do anything he doesnt want me to do and i will always be gentle and careful and ask his consent no matter what, I love him and what hes comfortable with more than any fantasy I have

Was anyone else in the same situation of introducing the idea of penetration (or something else) to your partner and like felt like you did too much too soon as femdom is a new concept in your relationship? Going slow has been best for us to explore what we are comfortable with and so far he is loving it but he seems a bit nervous or scared of the idea of penetration although he said "he is really open to it" and i would be the only one he would want to explore that with because he trusts me and feels safe to be vulnerable

Help! to a noob

I never thought I’d say this, but after being a femdom for the last couple years, I think my type has changed completely

I used to think I wanted intense dynamics and constant power play, but now I honestly just want a calm, soft relationship with a genuinely good man.

I’ve also realized I’m not into the overly exaggerated online submission stuff anymore either. I don’t want someone whose whole personality revolves around kink, it’s just not what I want long term.

What I actually want now feels surprisingly simple: a kind man who’s emotionally intelligent, loyal, affectionate, supportive, helpful around the house, naturally service-oriented, and genuinely happy being devoted to his partner in a normal real life way.

Someone peaceful. Cooperative. Caring. The type of man who enjoys making his woman’s life easier instead of turning everything into a game or performance.

The weird part is men like this feel so rare now. A lot of what I find online feels either extremely performative or disconnected from what an actual healthy long-term relationship looks like.

Maybe getting older changed me, or maybe I’m just realizing what actually matters outside of fantasy.

Has anyone else gone through this kind of shift?

To be very clear, this is not a personal. I'm looking for advice.

I'm 22M in Dublin and I learned I loved FemDom from an American girl I temporarily went out with. Since then I've explored it more on FetLife and munches in my area. I had a few Dommes I played with, both in private and at events, and I really enjoy FemDom.

With all the Dommes I've played or spoken with, they always have other partners or subs. I've been looking for a monogamous FemDom relationship but it seems to be a hard find. I've tried Reddit and Fetlife, and I've never had an issue playing with Dommes, its just now I'm looking for something monogamous.

Anyone sub or Dom have any experience or advice on where to look or how to go about this? I never had much luck on dating apps. Previous girlfriends I've all met in person or through friends. I'm not picky on age or body type either, but one Domme and one sub is a hardline for me. Any advice appreciated.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the line between a lifestyle dynamic and a professional one, and I’ve realized something that I simply cannot unsee.

​I just can't feel a genuine dominant/submissive connection when money is involved in any way.

The moment money changes hands, the person paying simply becomes a client buying a service.

Usually it's a submissive buying a dominant to perform an act for them. Honestly, however you look at it, the buyer just bought a "ticket to the show," and the dominant is reduced to being a performer.

The "costumes" and setups always feel so poorly designed, and the pre-planned monologues are so shallow that the second you introduce any unplanned dialogue, the mask completely shatters.

It instantly exposes the actor as the exact opposite of the role they’re being paid to play.

Taking all of this into account, it really makes me wonder how rare true, pure dynamics actually are.

How many submissives are genuinely willing to surrender and obey unconditionally, versus how many just want to buy a theatrical show?

And on the flip side, how many dominants are truly leading, rather than just being led by the demands of the person with the wallet?

I can’t ask if he wants to be pegged, that’s not dominant enough or doesn’t set the right mood I suppose.
Fine.
So today I asked if he had gone #2 ( because he’s quite particular about being completely empty), the reply was not as much as preferred. As he is waiting for the baby to be out for a nap , I say that I had wanted to fuck him last night, he says “ oh why didn’t you tell me”, I said oh not in the evening, as I was awake with the baby in the middle of the night. I can see that he is not really excited about it but I figured we’d talk about after.
We have fun and afterwards I ask what had been wrong.
To which he says “ the way you went about it. What if I asked you if your period is over? Like I just want you for sex and without caressing you and telling you I want you.” To which I replied “ yeah that would be ok with me because it’s a one off question not the whole time. Am supposed to caress you and ask you if you have gone #2?!” Mega sexy. Or are you excepting me to just say, bend over I want to fuck you?”I never seem to initiate the way you want, I’m not a robot for you to script my interactions nor am I a porn Domme”. I’ve already stopped asking you if you want to be pegged and now even checking if you are clean enough is an issue too?”
Anyway, I was upset and hurt and told him that this is really undermining my self esteem as a Domme. As much as I want to get the mood right, it would be nice for him to stop nitpicking all the time or try to choose a better time to address this but his face totally gave him away.
As usual, am I fussing over nothing?

Edit: we use the #2 language frequently. Perhaps it should be done away with but it isn’t associated with a mood killer for us.

How do you indulge in your fetish, without your partner losing attraction?

I'm pretty succesful with women, and I know they attracted to the "Alpha" traits, tension, polarity, push-pull and this sort fo thing. There's no doubt about that. My GF is same. She is highly attracted to the typical alpha traits. She is is hypersexual, and hyperpromiscious, all she do, basically, is to talk, meet, hook-up with others men. So, I have a huge fetish on this loser/sissy/pussyfree/prejac/FLR world, and I want to indulge in these. I would actually prefer to be a full beta cuck, but the problem is, that she would lose attraction fast.

My question is for those who do these sort of things with your partner. How do you maintain attraction, and prevent her to leave you?

Let me make a clean distinction, because I think it gets blurred constantly here.

The critique of low-effort submissives is fair. People who won't read, won't think, want to be spoon-fed. "Weaponised incompetence" is a real thing and I'm not relitigating it.

But at times that critique gets stretched into something else. When a submissive person states an opinion as an equal, or pushes back on a point in general discussion, it can get mentally filed alongside the entitled, inconsiderate "topping from the bottom" type, as if speaking up at all were the same thing as that. It isn't. Those are two different things, and lumping them together is a mistake worth calling out plainly.

To be clear about where I'm coming from. I genuinely love being submissive in a long-term dynamic, and I value putting my partner's needs and role ahead of my own. That's real for me. But this is a kink and a fantasy, and above all it's consensual, which means it's specific. You can't demand that level of submission from anyone on the internet, or from me in a casual thread. I'll happily yield that control to the particular person I've chosen to give it to. It isn't a blank check for strangers.

Submission is negotiated. You hand it to a specific partner, on specific terms, inside a specific dynamic. That's the entire structure of consent. It's bounded, chosen, and contextual. It does not extend, by default, to every person you happen to be in a thread with. A submissive person having a normal back-and-forth opinion in a meta discussion is not "topping from the bottom." They're just talking. The role lives inside the arrangement it was negotiated in. It does not follow anyone into the comment section.

There's a related habit worth naming, and it cuts across every kind of dynamic. I've seen dominants of every stripe do it. People stating what "real" submission is, full stop, as if there's one correct form everyone should strive toward. I would advocate for different phrasing. Something like "I prefer an arrangement where submission looks like this." Or "this is what I need from a dynamic." One can put it in a kink column, and that column can hold anything two consenting adults agree to, up to and including a full slavery dynamic, because that's exactly what it is. Negotiated, consensual play between specific people. What doesn't work is stating, in general, what submission must be for everyone. A dominant prescribing a universal standard to strangers who never negotiated with them isn't setting a high bar. They're describing their own preference as a rule. Not because the preference is wrong, but because a preference stated as a universal stops being a preference. This is a kink space, not a servitude forum with a rulebook.

Treating discussion deference as something you're owed gets the principle backwards. Consent is specific. The moment "submission" becomes a posture you expect from strangers who never negotiated it with you, it stops being a kink and starts being an entitlement.

I don't think most people do this deliberately. It's an easy slip. But it's worth mentioning directly, because the whole thing rests on one idea. Submission is chosen, and it has limits. A foundation like that should hold in how we talk and react, not just how we play.

Something I've noticed, take it for what it's worth. The people who actually treat submission as negotiated, who put in the effort to say what they want and where their limits are, usually turn out to be the ones whose dynamics go the distance. I'm not stating it as a rule. It's just a pattern I keep seeing. Communicating clearly seems to come first, and the real connection follows from it.

If you think I've drawn that line wrong, I'd genuinely like to hear where. That's the discussion I want.

Rather recently I read a topic on here or another subreddit discussing how a lot of beginners in kink would start by introducing themselves with a list of their kinks and limits.

An experience that I guess has been building up for months has me thinking about the conversation vs negotiation aspect of that this morning.

A few months ago I met someone at a work conference and we really hit it off. We've been talking back and forth mostly every day. Occasionally wandering onto the topic of sex and what we're into.

We've never used any real "scene" terms. Just laymen stuff, and occasionally sent a video or two of something we found hot. This week we had another work conference, and we ended up back in her hotel room.

I'm fascinated by how naturally it felt like the tone of the encounter shifted. We just made out like for what felt like forever, which I haven't done in like 15 years, and at some point she pushed me on my back, and sat on my lap.

Without either one of us discussing it, from that point on I wasn't allowed to touch or kiss without asking. It was honestly amazing, and I don't know how else to describe it.

It was a conversation between our bodies, and she naturally talked me into sub-space.

Hi everyone,
I’m F29 and my partner is M33. We’ve tried multiple times to build a femdom dynamic, ideally something closer to 24/7, but we always end up struggling to find balance.
One issue on my side is that the dynamic starts becoming mentally exhausting. I feel like I always have to stay “on”: paying attention to whether he follows rules, thinking of tasks or punishments, or constantly creating something engaging for him. After a while it stops feeling natural and starts feeling like work.
On his side, I think online content and fantasies may have created unrealistic expectations about what a real long-term femdom relationship looks like. Sometimes it feels like he’s chasing an idealized version of constant structure, control, rituals, attention, etc., that’s difficult to maintain in normal everyday life.
During our last attempt, I tried making things lighter and more sustainable by scheduling specific play/dynamic moments during the week instead of constant rules, but he still felt frustrated by the lack of ongoing structure. So now I’m wondering:
- Should a 24/7 dynamic start with clear rules and punishments from day one?
- How do experienced couples avoid burnout for the Domme?
- How do you separate fantasy from realistic day-to-day dynamics?
- Is it normal for a submissive partner to crave more structure than the dominant partner naturally wants to provide?

I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve managed to build something healthy and sustainable long term.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how differently dommes approach tribute dynamics, especially in modern Findom spaces.

Some dommes treat tribute as a strict requirement before any interaction.

Others see it as symbolic respect rather than a payment.

Some separate tribute completely from sessions/content, while others combine everything together.

I’m genuinely curious about the psychology and boundaries behind how different dommes handle it.

For example:

- Do you require tribute before even speaking to a sub?

- Do you see tribute as proof of seriousness or simply etiquette?

- Do you separate tribute from service/session fees?

- Has content culture changed the meaning of tribute in your opinion?

- Do you think too many subs approach Findom with a “customer mindset” instead of a submissive one?

I’d really like to hear perspectives from experienced dommes on this, because I feel like every dynamic defines tribute differently, and that difference says a lot about how each domme views power exchange itself.

Hi my wife F30 and myself M27 are wanting to do a submissive serving day. She is fairly new to femdom and is looking for some ideas on things we can do that cater to both of us being submissive but with her leading.

She is definitely more of a gentle femdom and I have tried to help guide her as much as I can for what I like and I was hoping for some ideas that she would like that I may not have thought of!