u/mynameisl14m

im 17 trans ftm and have been on testosterone for 3 years this upcoming november. ive been questioning myself those same 2-3 years, ive always made it quick and said i was bisexual but ive always had a big preference for guys and just contemplating if im just gay. ive had guy friends in the past and still have those guys as friends which im fine with, but even though it seems like an obvious “oh you just like a crush or find them attractive” no.. i like guys of all kinds; ugly, attractive, masculine, feminine, short, tall, hairy, bald, you get the point.. so its really easy for me to find guys attractive, and this is a struggle when at school or in public because of course an attractive persons going to make you nervous. but like, its insanely bad for me. like, its gotten to the point where its obvious that im nervous. im an extroverted person so like, its noticeable when guys are making me flustered, shy, nervous, whatever that awkward feeling is. and i could admit that 50% of it is being shy/nervous, and the rest is my mind flooding with all sorts of thoughts, kinks, senarios of either them or just anything in general. i feel like itd take me a while to actually make friends with a guy, a while as in just getting comfortable and getting out of that mindset while in the presents of a guy, them. im basically some gay incel obsessed with men, i dont know.
im currently looking for longterm fwb aswell, i dont know if its such an appropriate time to mention on this subreddit? i dont know. but yes im looking for that, though i am picky. im not looking for just sex, put the friends in friends with benefits and try to take the time out of your day to talk to me outside of that stuff.. and also its not necessarily a picky thing thats strictly required but i prefer to talk with people 18-33ish? early 30s. thought like said its not required just a preference. i also only sext and roleplay.

hello, im trans ftm and 17 yos. i guess you could say im undiagnosed? ive never had a therapist in my life, but plan on getting one my senior year and hope i can stick to it once i graduated; i prefer getting a therapist while still in school because i have more access to getting help with it and such. though ive had counselors since i was 9 yo which is ofc different than a therapist, but those counselors as well as those anxiety and depression screenings and doctors etc have explained to me that i do have depression and anxiety. and not only that, of course im depressed and have anxiety, what else would it be? just being really sad and a big thinker lol. of course theres more wrong with me besides that, but im not the kind to play the guessing and assuming game and basically diagnose myself. (of course) so i feel itd help somewhat? to get a therapist, then of course other things with therapy lol
like said, im undiagnosed but like, what else could it be… its not everyday 5-10 year olds are being exposed to sex/porn at a young age and then growing up to be okay and not diagnosed with it yk.. i was around 5-6 years old when id wake up in the middle of the night to my parents having sex, and if i could recall? it wouldnt even have to be my parents, it could be my aunts/uncles, cousins & their bfs/gfs, etc… so of course i grew curious and discovered nsfw videos on youtube of my favorite characters whether it was from fnaf, frozen, roblox, just shit like that… i could say that now that im older i use a lot of dark, edgy humor to cope especially with my trauma; so like id always just chuckled at the thought of watching that shit on youtube at a young age especially since being on tiktok id have a couple relatable videos regarding having the same experience i did.. but despite this, ill say that it definitely effected me as a kid and this wasnt the end of my curiousness. i eventually discovered actual porn when i was 7-9, first it started off with the drawing/animation stuff still but of course it was still porn, then i got into actual porn when i was 10 and had an on and off addiction for a couple of months up until i was 14.
i started finding more ways to get off: there was porn, then there was ai before me or the world really knew how bad it was, (the app chai if ill be specific.) then i eventually got heavily into sex chat sites at 15 and would talk to all sorts of people of older ages. despite how my history of sex and porn sounds, i can confirm that the worst its been was after i turned 14 to present day and id just like to be thankful that it wasnt any time before then and i was only looking and not taking action upon real possibly dangerous people the way i am now. like said, this is the worst its been and it just kept getting worse until about a couple weeks ago i got drunk trying to look for longterm friends/fwb on discord and ran into a guy that jokingly threatened to blackmail me with the face and nude pic i sent. thankfully nothing happened as said, he said that as some joke while i was drunk and didnt understand it nor did i think he knew i was drunk. to play it safe i privated my social media accounts and deleted my snapchat account in which i had a lot of predator guys on there. even though discord is another app i have fwb on most of them consist of being 18-25 and i barely talk to them and when i do its never just sex and rp. i also kept it because i made a friend thats truly been a big help with everything thats been going on with me despite meeting him on one of the sex chat sites.. he actually motivated me to want to quit engaging with people on those sites, unfortunately its been a big fucking struggle because i have a big thing with sexting/roleplaying and like the friends i made on discord arent as detailed and literate i guess 💔 but so far ive genuinely been far away from those sites, but like said its been a struggle with wanting to sext/rp with someone.
i also wanted to mention that i do have some experiences with sa. (trigger warning for these next parts, can be quite detailed and gruesome? for some) one day my uncle did take me into his room and ended up rubbing me over my pants, but did it lightly before i for some reason saw my mom? aunty? walk across the hall from the doorway and just immediately got up and left. i dont remember what happened afterwards but i definitely didnt let it go that far, but as guilty as i am ive had my moments were i sexualized that one moment of my life and its genuinely just because im fucked up in the head. ive also been both sexually harassed and assaulted by women in my life strangely enough.. so i have a somewhat negative outlook on some women especially when my grandma and my mother were my main abusers. ive also forgot to mention that i started testosterone when i was 15 years old and i can admit that since then this hasnt made anything better if not i believe the hormones are whats making it so fucking bad. but thankfully? im lowering my dose in attempts that maybe itll help me be less freaked out. theres genuinely been moments where id be out in public unable to resist touching myself and id have to excuse myself to the restroom for a couple moments, there was never “waiting for it to go away” if i waited it just got more crazier.
i honestly dont even know if i completely want to help, fix this. i just know that im completely done with those sex sites. despite all of this; sex, porn, masturbating is genuinely a coping mechanism for me which is another reason why its so addicting. like said: i love roleplaying and sexting because like, its the closest ill ever get to someone like that. i believe that ill never find the right person for any of that, not even a one night stand or fwb. its been hard to find any fwb or anything like that since being off those sites, and it just makes me feel unloved.

its stupid, its fucking stupid. but like… if theres anyone open to sexting? roleplaying? please let me know. im sorry if it isnt an appropriate thing to be asking? but ive read some posts on here where like theyve experienced people being asked about such things, and since were all hypersexual and can understand these struggles i just thought it wouldnt be a problem to just ask. im more of a longterm person, so were not just talking about sex and stuff. put the friend in friends with benefits. again, im sorry again if it isnt an appropriate thing to ask, and if said so ill gladly delete this section of the post, thank you for listening to me.

p.s fuck im sorry im new to reddit and didnt know a flair was required so my apologies if you think i didnt pick the right flair 💔