u/throwawaynnfuxanyway

Even the words sex, masturbation, blow job, jerking off, cum, all of them feel and sound dirty to me. We were watching a show and it had some graphic scenes with sex and masturbation and it felt like I was watching it with my brother, not my spouse. I felt embarrassed and like I needed to talk over the scenes, but I didn't, just said "I didn't know the show had all this..." He didn't say anything. I don't know if he liked it or was also uncomfortable, but he sat there motionless and expressionless.

I consider myself HLF, but I feel like the lack of sex or intimacy is sucking my soul dry and turning me into a prude. I feel empty without that piece of myself being explored and appreciated. I don't know how I can feel better without totally blowing up my life as I've known it for 10+ years. I just know I'm miserable repressing a part of myself that I used to enjoy fully and enthusiastically.

Edit: Appreciate the DMs. I can tell you that blaming me for my partner's lack of desire is such stanky butthole behavior. And yes, you will be met with hostility and disdain. IDK why men in this sub think they're the only ones who can suffer from a DB. Like life is soooooo much harder for an HLM than a HLF. We, as women, Must be the source of the DB! And you, as a man, could NEVER be the source of yours!! Men can't keep their hand off of women! And I'm like "I'd love a man I get to touch and love" So I'm a rare creature and my LLM just must hate me or something is wrong with me.

Did I wear short enough shorts?

Do I do enough dishes?

How cute am I?

What's my BMI?

Did I invite him to the gym?

Did I make him a doctor's appointment like I'm his mommy?

Get fuckin real.

Me- 39 HLF, Him 47 LLM.

Tonight is Monday. On Saturday, we went on "date night." As we were leaving, as usual, I asked if I looked nice. He leaned back in his recliner and said "looks great! I wanna go by my job and stock some things."

Backstory: he usually works Saturday nights and I work Saturday days at my own job. We both had the day/night off and had had a fun day together, took showers, got ready for dinner.

We went out and saw band out friends are in. I danced in front of him, kind of between his legs while he sat on a stool. He kept his hands to himself. Seemed almost embarrassed for me to be having a good time like that. Other people were dancing, but it was like he didn't want me being fun and sexy right there in front of him.

This (you look great) has been his typical, non-committal response to me for *years*. I've asked for voluntary compliments or even better ones when I ask. He's never grabbed me by the waist or kissed me during the compliments. He's never pretended to be attracted to me. 11 years, almost. Always "you look great! What's for dinner!/ I need to run an errand!/ Let's go, I'm bored!" It feels empty and rehearsed and like I don't even exist, my efforts don't mean anything.

It's Monday now and I mentioned what happened and said it hurt my feelings, why doesn't he find me attractive? He got really upset and said I'm always attacking him for compliments or affection, that's why he hasn't had sex with me for almost a year. I said that I've only become bitter because he turns my requests into arguments. I can be nice, quiet, sweet, sexy, and he will always say I'm being too aggressive or weird.

I, in my haste, and irritation, said that I don't know how I will divide our things if he wants me to move. I realize that was hasty and rude... but I told him last November that things needed to change. He's made minimal effort- an arm around the back, a kiss on the cheek. He even said tonight that sex might be off the table for him.

I am so hurt. There's nothing I wouldn't have done to save us, but he's been happy to be exactly who he is. Nothing ever changes, he's just happy to be roommates. I can find a roommate anywhere. I want a partner, someone who makes me feel beautiful and wanted. I'm heartbroken. Again.

Edit: my name is on our lease. I work a full time job and could figure it out, but it would be difficult. I don't want to separate, but living in a sexless life has become all consuming, I don't know how anyone survives feeling this way.

Been with M partner over a decade. The spark has died and isn't being revived, despite everything I've tried. He is happy just being platonic partners. I've certainly considered leaving, but not financially able right now. And we are partners and friends, so there is some joy... Just not sexually or sensually, just 2 buddies traveling through life.

I'm open to talk and see where things go.