u/Second_Wife_Life

My partner and I go to a strip club in Vegas pretty often. Probably roughly once a month. It's a fun pastime for me, and I like to think we are very respectful of the dancers and make sure everyone gets paid for their time (and more).

Mostly, I admire the physical discipline many of the dancers have.

Sometimes, my partner and I take a girl to private to chat and drink. We just like the stimulating nature of it, and also, who the fuck doesn't want to be paid to chat?

Anyways, kinda burying the lead here... I am in my 20s, and my partner is in his 50s, but he looks a bit older because he's been quite hard on himself and his body.

I guess my question is: I know what the general public thinks of our relationship, but I am curious if strippers

(a) have no opinion/seriously do not care

(b) assume I am a paid companion of some sort

(c) think I am a paid companion, and we are shopping for a third

(d) think I married for the bag

(e) none of the above; it seriously does not cross my mind. I am just working.

If it changes the answer at all, I wear a giant rock on my engagement ring finger.

What do you guys use to keep your kitty smooth year-round?

Because when I sugar (wax), it gets bumpy...

Okay, they are gone...

Anyone else's big, scary, powerful men love being babied? Like... love it?

My partner is known for being sort of morally grey (helped build a super sketchy gov.-related data startup, but not a trumper -- not Flock, don't worry).

He has a permanent scowl in public (when not with me), and I know for a fact he has several important government people (TM) on speed dial. Like.... scary human to some people. Has severely negatively impacted some people's lives. Knows things bout blacksites. (Mostly "the bad guys" -- but that is all relative...)

.... and he loves being read to. As in... will put his head on my chest and want to doze off being read stories.

Or when we are at a restaurant, he will hand me the menu and tell me to pick for him.

When we are in an airport, he wants to take my hand and just... check out.

Or I will draw him a bath, and he will play in the bubbles.

We mostly talk about everything, so I asked him about this and he said "I am super safe with you and my whole life, everyone says "yes, Sir" and you flip me off and call me "dumbass" and I love that and you and I don't have to be anyone but me with you and sometimes I am.... small"

I thought I was super subby before I met him, but now I feel almost.... Maternal? (BTW -- thirty-year age gap so WTF)

I am more so curious if this is a common occurrence? Anyone else have big scary men who like being "small" with them? Y'all tried taking the reins and seeing if they like it?

Anyone here able to explain the psychology behind this better than me?

My partner and I tend to only date self-starters and very ambitious women. As in, women who want to be on Forbes 30u30 or who have exceptionally difficult corporate jobs (IB, PE, startup, some tech jobs, etc).

I think I saw a post on here asking if SBs should be honest about having such qualities/about making plenty of $$$ themselves... the consensus seemed to be no... due to being lowballed

So—how many of you guys make over six figures/plenty of money but don't disclose it due to fear of being lowballed?

(PS: I, as a former SB, know that men WILL lowball you if they think you make plenty of $$$ and many like feeling like the white knight... I am not judging anyone for not disclosing... more curious)

Notes before we begin.

I want more fun games! If y'all have any fun games, give me the fun games, PLEASE!

My partner LOOKS much older than he is (he is biologically in his 50s). I look considerably younger (20s, but look 18-21)... we are both also technically "disabled" (have autism) and have been "othered" most of our lives, which is the basis of some of these jokes.

These are going to offend some of you guys. Sorry. I was just reflecting on our humor. I love my relationship, and maybe this will bring some joy to some of you.

Also, we are 100% functioning alcoholics (mostly joking), but 6 bartenders in our area know us WELL, and most of the Sugar-Circuit bartenders in NYC know me well, so our antics are cool with them.

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- Whenever we are about to leave a place and get in a car, he makes a really sad face at me and says "... time to get back on the short bus without the other kids" (he only orders black XLs)

- Whenever a bartender says "your dad..." or something adjacent, I cough and say "Daddy" (if the vibe is right). It is a simple/fun way to correct, and 8/10 times, my partner gets a fistbump

- If we are with a group of people, or one of us is chatting it up with the bartender, and the other goes to the bathroom, when they come back, they are supposed to aggressively sniff/rub their nose like they just did coke in the bathroom.

- Whenever I get carded, he turns to look at me and jumps back a bit and says "(my name)... your face..." and then I look in a spoon or pull out my phone or something and say "The experiment worked! I'm (my age) again!" (if the vibe is cool with the bouncer/bartneder)

- If there is a line or it's more of a chill place, when I get carded, he will say "oooooh... me too! Me too!"

- Whenever we get on a plane (sitting next to each other), we pretend to be strangers introducing ourselves for the first time and go on to tell the most crazy/wild story we can think of and watch as the folks around us listen in and start whispering about us.

- We sometimes chat with other girls my age at bars; they will sometimes ask if he has a son. I will say, "Well, I could make one for you real quick in the bathroom, but you'd have to wait about 20 years."

- Whenever we get in an elevator with other people, he will ask (me), "so... when do you fly out?" I will give him a day of the week (Thursday). Him: "Divorce court, right?" (or something equally outrageous. The game is to roll with it). (Most outrageous ever said was in Vegas: "Yeah, your son might get suspicious if we stay any longer.")

- If we are at a bar together and we see a girl we are both attracted to (and if the bartender is cool), we ask the bartender to just continually send her drinks and tell her that "The Manager" told him to. As in... just spam her with drinks. We once sent a girl sitting alone 6 glasses of lemonade along with 6 shots of vodka (to add as desired). She ended up calling friends who came... who we then ended up buying drinks for all night. It was amaze. This is not with the goal to "get with" her... we just like "harmlessly" messing with people.

- Whenever we disgree bout ANYTHING (food picks, activities, even other SBs), it is resolved by an aggressively competitive game of rock paper scissors OR chopsticks OR we put our foreheads together and open our eyes so we both look like bugs while "arguing"

- If there is a person walking more than one dog, we both point at the one we believe to be most similar to the other person, and both people have to assume the dog's voice and narrate the dog's thoughts

- If there is parsley on either of our plates, the goal is to move it onto the other person's plate without them noticing. The person who successfully "parsleys" the other gets one "allowance" to switch dishes with the other person (in the event they like the other person's more than theirs). The privilege lasts for one month and is then reset.

- We have a game called "What would you do?" And all it is is me asking rapid-fire scenario-related questions. He has to answer in 5 words or less. Example: "What would you do if I gained 50 lbs?" "Ask you to lose it." "What would you do if I lost 50 lbs?" "Ask you to gain it." "What would you do if I flew to Italy without you knowing?" "Find you." "What would you do..." This goes on until I stall/can't think of something, or he answers in more than 5 words.

Weirdly, he likes this game as much as me.

Yeah, that's all I can think of. We are a touch insufferable.

Y'all have any fun games I could add to the rotation?

Rule #1: Before I even start this post, it should be noted that I am GENERALLY talking about men 50+ here. I frankly advise anyone in the sugar world to only date men 50+, but it is also my personal preference. "But u/second_wife_life I have had plenty of success with 30-year-old Crypto Bros" -- great! I am happy for you!! This post is not for you. :)

Rule #2: ALL of my sugar relationships have had SOME element of love in them. With or without money, I would date men in this age range (I once dated a 50-something making xx,xxx a year!). This is not a great post for the girl who is just in it for the bag, nor the guy looking for 2-5 girls to "have fun" with. This is for the folks looking to invest in more "classic" very long-term SRs. (Though the advice here might, begrudgingly, help the short-term folks.)
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I often have friends ask me how I have "so much success" sugaring.

I found someone I am genuinely smitten with and am now spoken for, but before that, averaged in mid/high x,xxx arrangements, with more than one human genuinely offering xx,xxx (which I turned down for moral reasons).

The trick is that I am not actually all that pretty (at least comparatively) or interesting. I mean, sure, put me next to someone who indexes more heavily on other facets of their life, I may seem fascinating, but next to the average human, I am... average.

The mistake I see so many young SBs make is not dating within their category. And yes, these are broad generalizations, and there are outliers in every group, but this has worked for my friends and me quite well.

You need to be able to look at yourself completely objectively and analyze your traits. Sure, you are beautiful, but what KIND of beautiful? Are you thin and tall? Are you thin but with curves? Are you shorter and have a few extra pounds?

All of these lead to different KINDS of men that will GENERALLY be attracted to you.

Sure you are smart, but what KIND of smart? Do you actually enjoy organic chemistry? Can you talk about the evolution of Roman art since the 1900s? Can you banter like crazy?

All of these lead to different KINDS of men that will GENERALLY be attracted to you.

If it were an easy short + curvy + science smarts, everyone would be doing fine in the bowl, but there is a hell of a lot of nuance and personal taste. It also varies by location quite a bit.

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BUT. AS A GENERAL RULE:

Beautiful, Instagram-esque, glossy women who invest heavily into their appearance every day and are really into brands/logos/etc generally should not be going for men who are tech guys

(^ I call these folks "true" NorCal rich -- they are the best. My partner, who was on SA, is this way... but as he said to a woman who was similar to this description, "what? You want money cause you are hot? No, you have to earn it, just like I did. You don't get handouts." )

^ These men tend to like women who look like their high school crush that they were too nervous to talk to -- Girl Next Door. They also tend to like women who can banter/play a LOT. They tend to have a touch (or two) of Peter Pan syndrome and find actual enjoyment from doing things like: going to a BarCade, going to a pier to play games, playing in public, etc. Anything that is playful and fun, they generally like.
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Women who are curvy and "manic pixie dream girl"-esque and have a "spark" about them (don't mind speaking their mind), and are a touch too loud for a 5 star restaurant (this is me, btw, but I go anyways...) should generally not "go for" guys who are in anything where status is central to their identity, investment banking, art collecting (sometimes), PE, etc.

These men tend to like stereotypical feminine women who are thin and might be seen in magazines or on TV. They like women who are playful but not loud and don't call attention to themselves; these women are the kind who sort of glide across a room. She is expensive and looks it. They love that.
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Men in "creative finance" roles (such as Venture Capital) tend to prefer a blend of both of the above. Women who are very sure of themselves and maybe even a touch sassy, but still classically feminine. Though I do not recommend sugaring in College, if you are going to, you are going to have a lot of luck with these men. They are not risk-averse. They generally like unfinished gems or investment pieces (this type also works with tech guys).

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Rant over. The point is, a ton of men are going to say "I want to bang all beautiful women of all kinds," but again, this post is for long-term "love" based SRs, and in longer-term relationships, men all tend to have a type, regardless of whether or not they want to bang every beautiful woman they see.

If you aren't having luck finding that in sugaring, you may just be going for the wrong guys.

I would take some time taking a good, honest look at who you are and what traits you have, and figure out what "kind" of guy has you in mind as his "dream girl"

You are me in NYC. It is Monday, and the night is young. Younger than I, and that is a hard thing to do.

You and your equally hot friend end up eating sushi as the afternoon turns to evening, and you look at her and propose a nightcap.

The closest bar is a three-minute walk, and from the photos, it is an upscale bar with well-mixed drinks and a calm atmosphere. Your kind of place.

This is, of course, only because you would have to trek into Times Square for Dave and Busters.

So you arrive at The Place and a man in a suit who seems too happy to be doing his job, but only in hindsight, opens the door. Upon arrival, you notice you two are the only women in the bar, and every guy is 50+. You check the watches, one, two, three Pateks? Two Piguet's, including a Royal Oak? Wasn't there a DB12 parked down the street?

Of course, your visceral reaction is "what a good freestyling spot, I have to tell the girlies on SLF."

This will prompt you to tell your friend, who knows, of course, that you are married to a 55-year-old, and occasionally see Sugar Babies. She will laugh and point out that there is a piano man in spandex singing Billy Joel, and all the bartenders are men.

This will cause great confusion to you; it's a happenstance, isn't it? And the pianist, he is probably just an artist, right?

"u/second_wife_life this is a GAY bar" she will say, giggling.

The freestyling, you assume, is of epic proportions and you will not give up a place this easily. You frantically pull out your phone and Google:

"The Townhouse of New York"

You are briefly vindicated when you read "its clientele has been described as a "well-educated, distinguished and cultured crowd' largely over 30" but quickly dismayed as your eyes skim the words:

"an iconic gay bar in Midtown"

And with that, your hopes of being the subreddit's savior shrivel and die for the night.

I needed some sleep, anyways.

,

Very much in love and together for 4 years, married for one year.

We are both having a lazy Saturday night in, so I thought we would answer some questions if y'all have any.

Happy to answer any questions or give any advice.

To cover my bases: FAQs:

- my parents like him quite a bit, my brothers (both older) are meh, but only due to the age

- my parents also have a decade+ AGR and have been married going on 30 years

- my husband is wealthy, yes, but so am I (my goal is to out earn him in the next decade)

- his ex hates me but is cordial, his kids were super on the fence until a few months ago