Confession: Widowhood Apparently Gave Me a Very Questionable Social Calendar
I never thought this would be my life.
I was a wife. I was settled. I had my person and my predictable little world. Then I became a widow, and somewhere between grief, loneliness, anger, and realizing I could do whatever the hell I wanted, something in me completely changed.
Now?
I have two married men lined up for tomorrow. Another Friday. Another Saturday.
Yes. Four men. Three days.
And they’re all married.
I know exactly how terrible that sounds, which is why this is a confession and not an inspirational TED Talk.
There’s something incredibly intoxicating about being wanted again. About getting dressed knowing exactly why a man is coming to see me. The messages. The anticipation. The secrecy. That little rush when my phone lights up and I already know what he’s thinking about.
Maybe I’m making up for lost time. Maybe grief knocked something loose in me. Maybe after having death remind me how quickly a whole life can disappear, I’ve become addicted to feeling alive.
The woman I used to be would probably be horrified by the woman writing this.
The woman I am now is lying in bed looking at my calendar thinking:
Jesus Christ. I really scheduled them back-to-back like appointments.
Widowhood has apparently turned me into somebody I don’t entirely recognize.
And the most shameful part of the confession?
I’m not sure I want her to go aw