u/lost-in-the-woulds

This post is for illustrative posts only. Do not smother me with "just do this and it will fix it" because my marriage went sexless for a lot of reasons, and believe me when I say I have tried all of the things to fix it. Short of God himself intervening in my wife's heart, I do not see it changing ever, so I do not want advice.

Being in a Christian Marriage that has become sexless is like being marooned on an island in the Pacific. Beautiful weather all around, and there are crates of food that periodically wash up on shore. The only problem is that you are a diabetic, and the crates are all full of candy and cookies. One day you notice a crate washes up that looks different from the others, so you approach it optimistically hoping it contains some kind of protein that you can eat .... but its a crate of cleaning supplies. All of the crates are useful, but not to you.

Summary: The purity movement assumes its is possible for a human to have only ever pure thoughts. Scripture, and human experience, tell us that is impossible. Hence, the fact it is applied to humans is its fatal flaw.

Reasoning: I am too old to be a part of the purity movement (grew up in the 1970s) but I remember when it happened. The whole concept of purity rings and "marrying Jesus" (yes, that was a thing in one church I was at) I thought was silly.

Now that I am a grandfather, and looking back on how the church as a whole served -- or didnt serve -- us as sexual beings, I realize that purity culture has one fatal flaw: It assumes its possible for a human to live a life devoid of sexual thoughts. We are human, that is impossible. Sex drives are baked into our very being by God himself, so thinking we could spend our days not having sexual thoughts while waiting for "the one God planned for us to marry" suddenly appears ... and then to wait for a year or more until you actually marry that person before having any sexual thoughts about her (or him if you are a girl) is ridiculous at best and cruel at worst.

Humans, especially teenage humans with raging hormones, are going to have sexual thoughts. To preach its possible to not have them is to set them up for failure.

My wife has not been getting much sleep lately. She told me that she cannot sleep when I am in bed with her because I breathe too loudly and I move around a lot in my sleep. We are not having sex anymore, and we don't even cuddle (she complains I have too much body heat or my beard is scratchy) so I suggested we sleep in different beds so she could get some sleep. She was very, VERY against that idea. I have no idea why? If you are not being intimate with someone why would you want to share a bed with them if you didn't have to?

If you are in a sexless marriage, do you share a bed with your spouse?

If you are still sharing a bed, why do you?

No judgement either way--I am only looking to understand my wife, because it makes no sense to me to share a bed if you are not even cuddling with the other person.

My mom has always had a very strong personality. My grandmother (her mom) did too, and both my grandfather and my father (who were strong personalities outside the house) deferred to my grandmother and mother when it came to household matters. My mom truly ruled the roost in my home growing up. We all (including my father) walked on eggshells to avoid making her mad and doing what she expected of us.

I wonder if this is the reason I grew up to be so passive. In my home, I let my wife set the tone in all things, and my whole world revolves around making her happy and not doing things that make her mad.

My wife's experience was opposite. Her father set the tone, and her mother just went along with it. I wonder if that is what my wife expects of me, but I am only giving her the passive husband walking on eggshells. The more I think of that the more I wonder if that is the reason she is not interested in me sexually. Unconsciously, she seems me as a "weak beta male" because i am not willing to stand up to her, and she has zero interest in having sex with a weak man because her father set a different standard for her.

At this point in my life, I can't see me changing into a confident person, so I guess this is going to be the way it is, but knowing the truth helps. A little bit.

In your family of origin, was it your father or your mother that set the tone in the house? how did that make you feel? (interested in both positive and negative reactions)

For me it is "Pussy" or "Hoo Ha." I have heard it referred to a lot of different ways, some more profane than others, but everyone has a comfort level. Just curious what yours is?

Bonus: For me, I refer to my own genitalia as a "cock" .... I don't really like the word "dick," and "penis" just sounds gross to me for reasons known only to my subconscious. Other people I am sure feel differently, and that's OK. We all have our own comfort level.

Hope everyone has a lovely Sunday!

My wife tells me she has reactive desire. (Reactive desire means that a person isn't interested in sex unless a specific set of criteria and/or behaviors are present -- subject to change at any time)

I posted once in r/TrueChristian about how I thought reactive desire was a copout, and got totally flamed, so I deleted it and decided to look into it. It is absolutely a real thing, and I don't want to discount that people experience it. Full stop.

Now here is the "but" .... people with reactive desire need to understand that claiming you have reactive desire puts 100% of the responsibility for your marital sex life on the other spouse. You are saying in so many words, "I will never be turned on, so if you want sex, you have to initiate."

My issue with reactive desire is that it makes me feel unwanted. I am a person who needs to feel like my spouse wants me, and is eagerly engaging in sex in order for it to be good for me. If I have to convince her, or beg for it (that is my reality) then its not going to be enjoyable. I need to know that she is enjoying it, and not just along for the ride.

So just realize that if reactive desire is you thing, that you have placed a huge responsibility on your spouse (male OR female) for the health of the marriage, so remember that when they initiate. Please don't shoot them down when they ask. Thank you!

This is a question specifically for women who were raised in purity culture or before.

Backstory: When my wife and I got married in 2005, her unspoken expectation was that due to my marrying her that I would find her sexually attractive only, and not any other woman ever. This came out when she caught me taking a second look at a woman in a grocery store about a year after we got married.

I will be honest, I can't imagine never finding another woman sexually attractive ever again. I am male, and I have a biological sex drive. I would not imagine myself having sex with another woman, or trying to flirt with another woman, but I cannot just turn my sexual attraction off just because I got married. My wife now understands this, but she also spends a lot of time comparing herself to other women, and falling short in her own mind. Because she sees herself as less desirable than other women, she is uninterested in having sex with me at all. We still get along great otherwise, but our sex life left the building years ago.

So ladies, what is your expectation of your man? Do you expect that he will only ever be sexually attracted to you and not to other women ever? Or do you feel that men could be sexually attracted to other women due to biological drive, but since he chose you over them, so that means he loves you specifically, and not them? (the second is my position) Just curious.

Ever since I was a little kid (way before I even knew sex was a thing) I used to absentmindedly play with my penis. (I now know I am autistic, and I believe its a kind of stim) My parents were horrified when they saw me do it and used to shame me for it. I remember one specific incident where they both came into my room together to tell me I would break if it I kept doing it and I should not ever touch it unless I was going to the bathroom.

Years later, when I discovered masturbation (and sex) because that involves touching it, I came to associate sex itself with shame. I am still working on getting past that ... but i find that even today, I will still absentmindedly play with my penis when I am feeling anxious, even if I am not thinking about sex at all. I am more aware of it and stop myself when I am in public, but in private, I no longer limit myself. It just feels good. Its centering. Its grounding. I like it and I don't believe its sinful, so I do not feel a need to stop.

I hope this helps someone.

She is married and so am I, but I would love for us to be a couple in secret and make love to each other whenever we could.

It won't happen, but I daydream about it all the time.

I love boobies, that is all.

This is just fantasy, but here me out:

In my fantasy, my church has a ministry that is part of the men's ministry, but not advertised outside of men's groups. This would be a matchmaking ministry that pairs up compatible guys to meet every week and share what excites them while they masturbate together. I think it would be an incredible bonding experience and a really good outlet of sexual frustration that does not involve porn or prostitution.

At least I would be the first one to sign up!! Anyone else like this idea?

and wanting to chat with other naughty people?

Cock in hand, gently stroking .... hope some others are doing the same :)

I just want to be naked .... no agenda for it .... I just want to be naked, that is all.

I keep trying to, but I get a few sentences in and it starts to feel all wrong, and then mentally shut down. It feels like I am asking God to help me sin, even though I am married, and I just can't get past that. Years of "sex is sinful" teaching can't make the transition to married sex.

Sex was always a "no go" topic in my family of origin, so I could not talk to them about it either.

I can't even ask others to pray for me, it still feels wrong. Also, I just feel unworthy. Like I want God to hate me because I hate myself.

https://preview.redd.it/1spwkf7vz6dh1.png?width=685&format=png&auto=webp&s=0d9d345fbc98a53f81642a81378ac17572cd2899

I am not a dom, and to be honest, I am not very self confident either. I actually have a lot of self confidence issues because I am neurodivergent. I try to make it up by being kind to everyone, but I think that may be part of the reason my wife is no longer interested in me.

Its been 7 years sincewehad any sex at all. Masturbation is my only outlet, and she could not care less.

Please enjoy what you have while you have it!