u/nyekona

Say you get into a monogamous relationship with a girl and over time it becomes apparent that she doesn’t have much interest in you as a person and is in fact only using you for two things: Money and sex.

It’s not prostitution in the sense that you’re paying for sex. The sex is not for your benefit, nor is it on your schedule. Rather, she’s hitting you up as the mood strikes her, which is several times a week. She genuinely enjoys it and finds you very physically attractive. There is no doubt in your mind that you satisfy her.

You are also attracted to her, and the sex is great. She enjoys PIV, giving you blowjobs, and receiving cunnilingus. You both orgasm every time.

But, she’s also using you for money. Maybe you’re covering her bills, or you just hand her a stack of cash whenever she asks. Paying for all dates, transportation costs, and contraceptives is non-negotiable.

Romantic dates are few and far between, unless you’re taking her shopping or to a nice dinner. You know she’s not cheating, but she doesn’t like to discuss deep or emotional topics with you. She’s not interested in your hobbies, friends, or family. She’s content to go with you to family gatherings or hang out with your friends, and she brings you around hers if you ask, but she’d barely notice if you stopped. She’s not cruel, rude, or stuck up, just politely bored. She will break up with you if you cheat on her, but she’s not possessive and doesn’t care if you have female friends or spend time with your boys. She will not move in with you without a ring, cook for you, or clean your living space. She doesn’t want children.

The sex and the money are equally important to her. If you fail to meet her needs on either account, she will leave you without a second thought. As you come to realize, she sees you as little more than an anthropomorphized wallet and dildo.

How do you feel in this situation? Are you satisfied, or resentful? Does the relationship more or less satisfy your needs? How long would you stay in this relationship? Could you see yourself marrying her?

There’s no such thing as ‘fair’ or ‘equal’ in a relationship, because no two people are exactly the same. No two people have exactly the same needs and desires, skill sets, responsibilities, or energy levels.

This is especially true of relationships between men and women. Anyone who thinks men and women are treated anywhere near equal in this world is not paying nearly enough attention. Polling consistently reveals that both men and women imagine that gender equality is far more advanced than it actually is — So however far you think we’ve come, you’re almost certainly wrong. In fact, in many places around the world, we are markedly regressing.

With this in mind, I’ve completely abandoned the ideal of an ‘equal’ relationship with a man. I have decided to shamelessly insist upon a relationship that overwhelmingly benefits me. But let me be clear: I have no interest in tricking or manipulating anyone into fulfilling my requirements. I want a willing partner, and for that to be the case, I have a responsibility to communicate my desires clearly.

So here’s my take: It is ok to desire a very unbalanced relationship, as I do. And contrary to popular belief, my hypothetical partner does not need a bunch of keyboard warriors to rescue them. Here’s a great modern day maxim I heard recently from a professional matchmaker: You can want whatever you want, what you want just has to want you back. That means that you are free to have whatever standards and preferences for a partner (or anything else in life) that you choose; The only constraint is whether a person fitting that criteria would want you in return. Ergo, there’s no need to correct people on what’s ‘moral’ for them to desire. Just leave them to the natural consequences of reality. In this case, the natural consequence of my standards being too high is that I end up alone, which is a possibility I fully accept.

I would love to hear from other women who have abandoned the fallacy of equal relationships. What pushed you over the edge? If you’ve had relationships since making this decision, how has it worked out for you? How do you communicate this to potential partners, and what has the response been?