u/ritualsinrepeat

I’ve been told the best way to sell yourself is complete transparency, so here is the unvarnished breakdown of what you might be getting into. My boyfriend and I are looking for a hung submissive who might be interested in using my mouth for a day.

Before you get too excited, there are some major caveats:

1. You must be hung, submissive and willing to let me take control entirely. You don’t get to dictate the pacing or how exactly you want it. I get to decide everything.
2. You must be willing to be filmed for at least one to two minutes. We don’t need to film your face, but your cock and my face must be visible. I’ll send the video to my boyfriend but there will not be any of your identifying features.
3. You must be clean. This is the absolute bare minimum for such an encounter.
4. Please, for the love of god, be able to talk to me about other things besides sex. Treat me like an actual human being.
5. You must be based in the Netherlands and be willing to travel to my location (Amsterdam). I have zero interest in entertaining tourists, digital nomads passing through or long-distance pen pals.

If my list of criteria hasn’t scared of you off, then here’s a bit about me:

- I’m East Asian and have been living in Europe for 7 years now. I’m also quite attractive and am happy to swap pics when the time is right. I'm 5ft 1, slim/petite build, 46-47kg

- I can hold a conversation that doesn't rely on “haha” and “lol” as punctuation

- I have two cats. If you’re allergic, we’re probably doomed from the start

- I hate olives and drink too much hot chocolate for my own good

If you’re interested, please send me a full paragraph with your age, location in NL, and some hobbies of yours. The funnier and more intelligent you are, the more likely I will respond. I will also ask for pictures too so no point in lying about how attractive you are ;)

(Obligatory mention: yes, I’m in a long-term relationship)

Hi! I’m 32F and currently living out the terrifying reality of having bought my first flat alone. This means my main personality traits have devolved into obsessing over interior decor I can’t afford, keeping a small jungle of houseplants alive, and deep-cleaning the bathroom grout.

When I’m not aggressively dusting or being emotionally manipulated by my two cats, I work as a writer. So yes, I will overanalyse your texts but I’ll also reply with good grammar and top-tier banter.

Looks-wise, I’m East Asian, petite and decently attractive. This is a claim I’m prepared to back up with evidence once the timing is right.

My wild takes that nobody asked for:

- Pizza is overrated. Olives are overrated. If you combine the two and put olives on a pizza, I will assume you’re doing it to hurt me deliberately.

- Snoozing your alarm four times is emotional self-torture. You’re not getting extra rest; you’re just giving yourself jump scares every 9 minutes.

- Smart home tech is a scam. I do not need my lightbulbs to have a midlife crisis and disconnect from my wifi just because I wanted a warm aesthetic tone.

The vibe I’m looking for is mostly low pressure, dry wit, and effortless chemistry. I have pretty specific requirements for who I’d like to develop a connection with: you should be living in Europe (or at least the east coast of the US), be between 28-37, and have no kids. No hate towards dads; I just don’t want to have to vie for your attention.

I should also mention that one of my major icks is getting sexual far too quickly, so please keep your mind out of the gutter for the first few days. Last but not least, please be funny. The funnier you are, the higher your chances of getting me to respond. I promise I won’t be a bore either.

Hello again. Let’s try this one more time, shall we? My first attempt at finding a dinner partner a month ago resulted in an inbox of disappointment, proving that finding a decent conversation partner in London is apparently harder than navigating the Tube during a strike. I didn't actually make it out of the house last time, but I am nothing if not stubborn.

I’m still trying to avoid looking like a tragic main character in an indie film while eating alone this week. But since the initial screening process was a bit of a disaster, the terms and conditions have been thoroughly overhauled. Management has become significantly more stringent.

Before we get to the fun stuff, please review the updated fineprint:

1. Reading comprehension is non-negotiable. I am a tourist, a passing ship. A temporary feature in the London skyline. If you are looking for a long-term connection, a soulmate, or someone to text "good morning" to for the next six months, please don’t bother. Let's enjoy a fantastic evening without trying to build a future out of a single dinner reservation.

2. Physical escalation is off the itinerary. Let me repeat for the folks in the back: sex is not on the cards. Assume the default setting for the evening is high-quality banter, not a hookup. Do I reserve the right to completely contradict myself if your charm is unexpectedly radioactive? Yes, I do. But plan for a PG-13 evening and keep it in your pants.

3. My offer only stands for this evening and tomorrow evening (24 and 25 June). My schedule this week is tighter than a Central Line carriage at rush hour. If you cannot make the specific days I’ve laid out, please don't bother messaging. "How about next Monday?" is a one-way ticket to getting ignored.

The vital statistics (for the uninitiated):
- I’m Asian, 5’1”, decently attractively and structurally sound
- I’m a writer, which means I am contractually obligated to prevent awkward silences, even if I have to start inventing local folklore to fill the gaps.
- I live in Amsterdam, but I’m in London until the end of the week.

The ideal candidate:
- I’m not asking you to be a supermodel, but I’d like to find you attractive.
- Please have at least one genuine hobby. If your primary pastime is doomscrolling, you'll need to pitch me the most unhinged thing you've read this week to qualify.
- Chemistry is entirely unpredictable. If we sit down and realise the spark is aggressively absent, there will be no dramatic scenes. We will simply finish our food, politely acknowledge the lack of magic, and part ways like civilised adults.

I am more than happy to swap photos once we chat to ensure we’re both aligned. If you are a local (or a fellow traveller) who actually read this entire post, knows a decent restaurant, and fancies a light debate about books or travel, hit me up.

Hi! Like many/all of you here, I’m in a long-term relationship, living a perfectly lovely, stable life. Naturally, I’ve decided the best cure for this is to find someone who will give me a severe case of emotional vertigo and make me forget my own name entirely.

I don’t mind a slow burn, but I mind boredom. I want an affair that starts with undeniable chemistry and escalates into a true obsession. The kind where a single notification causes a physical gut punch of feelings. Very normal, healthy stuff.

My ideal counterpart:

- Between 28–37
- Doesn’t have kids. Sorry, but I want to be your primary distraction, not compete with a Peppa Pig marathon.
- Lives in UK or continental Europe. Calculating time zones is the least romantic thing on earth, so let’s keep it local-ish.
- You should also have the actual freedom and autonomy to eventually meet up in the real world. We don’t need to meet often or even soon, but the possibility needs to be there.
- You are genuinely attractive, cultured, and smart. Most importantly, you need to have a ridiculous conversational range. If we can’t pivot from sharing existential dread to discussing climate change policies without missing a beat, it’s not going to work.

Without bragging too much, I have a lot of appeal, a sharp mind and wit, and a lot to offer the right person. If you have the space in your life to be thoroughly distracted by a real connection, introduce yourself. Not to be picky but if you don’t meet the requirements I’ve stated above, don’t waste your time or mine. These criteria are what I need to have a satisfying and fulfilling affair.

Hello! I’m currently visiting London and have come to the groundbreaking realisation that eating dinner alone makes me look like a tragic main character in a indie film. I like that most of the time, but not this week.

I’m looking for someone to join me this Friday for a proper meal, decent banter, and if we don't actively despise each other by dessert, seeing where the night leads.

The vital statistics:
- I’m Asian, 5’1”, and structurally sound (good proportions, if we’re being technical).
- I’m a writer, which means I am contractually obligated to prevent awkward silences, even if I have to start inventing folklore to fill the gaps.
- I live in Amsterdam, but I’m currently in London until the end of the week.

What I’m hoping for (bravado aside):
- Ideally, you are reasonably easy on the eye. Let's not set the bar at "supermodel”, but "doesn't scare small children" is a solid baseline.
- Please possess at least one genuine hobby. If your primary pastime is doomscrolling, you'll need to pitch me the most unhinged thing you've read this week to qualify.
- Chemistry is entirely unpredictable. If we sit down and realise the spark is aggressively absent, there will be no dramatic scenes. We will simply finish our food, politely acknowledge the lack of magic, and part ways like civilised adults.

I’m more than happy to swap photos once we chat to ensure we’re both visually aligned. If you’re a local (or a fellow traveller) who knows a decent restaurant or you fancy a light debate about books or travel, hit me up.