desperate for a distraction
hi there! i'm writing this during work, between bursts of customers, so i want to start this with a brief apology in case any formatting is off or in case i lose my train of thought and change all of a sudden! i hope you can still follow along :) also, it's being written in my notes app, because the data here sucks butt cheeks and i don't trust reddit to not delete everything if i have to pause! :)
this is mostly gonna be a post to kind of work through some emotions i suppose? i'm posting it here because it does have to deal heavily with trauma based kink, you can jack off to this if you want ig, but that's not the intended purpose lmfao
also, it's gonna be very back and forth because of the time between writing, so if i don't finish a thought and you're curious of the rest, feel free to comment or message to ask for clarification!
the main thing on my mind rn i suppose is that it feels like everyone is leaving me? which is kind of silly, i know realistically that's not happening, but i can't stop my brain from thinking that lol
for example, D, who has been my fp for maybe 4 years? he's been losing feelings for me for 2 months or so and he didn't say a word about it until i fully split on him 2 days ago, bc he promised to message more (which was obviously a lie and he didn't care that much if he didn't care to keep up a promise like 'message first at some point'), and then i went a week without messaging and got nothing. i'm still so so upset with him, i've been upset for a while now and my muscles ache so bad from being so tensed up
bc, fun fact, when the body feels too much emotion, it stores it wherever it can if it can't be expelled! so now my muscles and joints just hurt so so fucking much and nothing has helped
in an ideal world i'd love to be able to just get a massage bc that would be so nice but i rlly can't bc im broke on top of everything
i had other ppl leave or get partners (so functionally leave bc we only had a sexual relationship) but, like i said would happen, my brain switched tracks lmao
i'm kinda sad that today's my last day of my job
i wasn't fired or anything but im moving home for the summer soon, which im also not excited about
at least while im in chicago i can go out and get fucked if i'm that desperate, like there's always an option for me to get physical touch
i don't have that back home, so im just gonna be going months and months with very little physical contact or even rlly irl contact with just. other human beings :(
i also feel so dirty rn in every sense, i feel physically gross but also i just feel dirty mentally in a very very bad way
i went to a bdsm club last night for a horror movie munch that i thought would be fun but it was just boring :( i rlly rlly didn't like it
im making a few new friends on here , mostly from my other posts, but a lot of the ppl who respond just . suck
but wtv
everything hurts so insanely bad, i cant believe ive only been here for 3 hours, everything i do hurts my ankles and wrists and they can't even let me use a chair be though this position is the one that would benefit from a chair the most
there's no logical reason that i have to stand the entire time
i mean really im not even getting this paycheck until the week after i leave and am home so why does it matter that im even here?? like i enjoy working here but fuck i could be cleaning i could be packing i could be doing homework i could be singing and working on my voice i could be doing something helpful or worthwhile
but whatever i guess
i am realizing this is kinda a good medium to show how fast my emotions change bc of bpd, bc im not going back and editing anything and there's only like 5-15 mins between each addition
i feel like im yapping a lot though
prob bc i am
i can't help it though, i love writing, especially emotional writing, it just flows out of me
i also enjoy writing bc it help get the feelings out so it hurts me less, plus this is all the stuff running through my head 24/7 anyways, in this exact format (like the way things are phrased in my writing is generally the same way it's phrased in my head)
idk why but i always talk in my head like im talking to a group of people lmao
probably means nothing (there's a reason my therapist was considering a dissociative diagnosis for me, but i think it's just dissociation plus bpd stuff but idk i do always feel like different people but that doesn't rlly matter rn lmao)
anyways this is prob gonna be the end of this post unless there's a big batch of customers and i think of smth els e to share during that lol
if i do add more ill be in the comments tho bci hate editing posts idk why it has evil energy to me