r/extramaritals

I have been talking to someone from Fet for over a month now. He checks all my boxes and kinks… and messages all the right things…

Come talk some sense into me. He says I drive him mad. The opportunity to have just coffee as an introduction and maybe some CarPlay was discussed. After making plans and potentials for a specific day (yes I cleared my schedule) he dropped the ball and I sense distance in regard to meeting up. I know he’s been a little busy and the chat is normal. So I offer to postpone. He said he was relieved because he’d rather have a full day of me and car play would not be enough… I was already crushed, I wasn’t interested in the car play but more the meet up to check compatibility so it brings me back to square one.

Now he’s on vacation. It’s a good morning text without replying to my messages and a good night at midnight. He let me know his July is a little busy… How far do I read into this? The saying “If he wanted to he would” replays in my mind. It bothers me. Communication is the bare minimum. Do I realistically shift my expectations? How much of a slow burn do you tolerate? I didn’t make this decision to begin lightly. This is years of thinking and vetting in the works.

First true potential affair for both of us (I’m always skeptical). This is obviously new territory for me and I never did the dating scene with several partners so I’m completely inexperienced. It was more of a one and done by 16 type of situation and I’m currently 41…

And if you have read this far, thank you. My writing may be all over the place but blame the AuDHD not me, if I don’t get my thoughts out as they come I will completely forget or glaze on.

I’m in a marriage that is genuinely good. My wife is a wonderful partner, and we’re raising our daughter together. There are no major issues at home.
And yet I still find myself thinking about having an affair.

I’ve had relationships before marriage, and I did not enter marriage unwillingly or under pressure. I chose it and initially intended to be fully faithful.

At some point in the past, I crossed boundaries I shouldn’t have, and that became part of my history.

What confuses me now is that the craving hasn’t disappeared, even though my marriage itself is stable and meaningful. It’s not driven by dissatisfaction at home.

It feels more like a pull toward novelty, secrecy, and emotional intensity. I also don’t experience strong guilt in the way many people describe. I understand intellectually that cheating causes harm and would be unfair to my wife, but emotionally my struggle is more about temptation than remorse.

I’m trying to understand what this says about me.
Is this novelty-seeking? A personality trait? A mismatch with monogamy? Or simply the human tendency to desire what is outside our current life even when we value what we already have?
I’m not looking for validation or judgment.

I’m genuinely interested in whether others have experienced persistent attraction or craving outside a stable relationship, and how they dealt with it over time.

I coach couples and singles on intimacy for a living, and here's the take that gets me the most hate mail.

We're taught monogamy is the "correct" way to love someone, and anything else is broken or immature. But biology doesn't back that up, and neither does history. What actually matters isn't the structure it's the honesty inside it.

Cheating isn't wrong because someone wanted more. It's wrong because they lied.

Fight me in the comments. 😏

When we started dating, it was as you expect. When we moved in together, our mirrored closet doors were fun to use. I am much more the adventurous type, long time user of our California nude beaches where the people are just more friendly. She would go and sometimes go topless, but not that much. Indoors however, it was great.

We had a child and that's when things started to change. Over a period of time it became more about her. Her touching me became less and less. Her initiating became less and less. It got to the point where it was all about her and all she wanted to straight intercourse. I have always been a fan of foreplay, mostly for my partner. It's a big turn on for me to make a woman orgasm by going down her, fingering her. Whatever it takes. I have not problem. But in our case, she didn't want any of that. She would only want to to use my fingers on her clit, and then straight fuck her. There was no fun anymore.

Once our daughter moved out, she started sleeping inner daughters room. And that's when it all came to a stop.

Most of her resistance is simply physical. She'll push a hand away. She has a variety of claims why she doesn't want sex. I see her as only "meat". I'm not nice to her. I resist the claims because I will tell her how great she looks. And at times she will question why I am being so nice to her, where in my opinion, nothing has changed.

I cleaned her sheets and found her toy under the covers. But that was only then time. It hasn't been there since.

So now is the part where you are going to stop believing my story. This has been going on for 25 years.

It's true. And I have been a good boy the whole time. I masturbate every day, sometimes twice. Everything once works just fine. If my body could, I'd masturbate even more since my mind is always in full gear.

She has decided, for both of us, to be celibate. I didn't have a say. Divorce at this point is complicated for reasons I won't go into here. But if that was a worthy option, I would have done it long ago. I have tried to be loyal hoping things would change. That's how it got this long. I get a kiss and a hug at bedtime. It's like dating in high school again. You are only going to get so much.

But now my attitude about loyalty is different.