(32f) Officially a Hot Wife - conflicted- but I want more
I'm literally shaking typing this. I keep looking over my shoulder like someone's reading over me. If anyone in my real life knew about this, I would be completely ostracized.
I'm the typcial soccer/football mom who goes to church on Sunday, married the "right" kind of man, got a good profession, have two amazing kids. My friends are all the same. we volunteer together, we have book club, we complain about our husbands in a "proper" way. We judge the women who get divorced, who dress too provocatively, who aren't "respectable."
And now I'm one of them. Worse, actually.
This was all my husband’s idea to start swinging and partner swapping. When he first brought it up, I was like "HELL no." I told him he was disgusting, that we weren't "those people." I literally didn't speak to him for two days. But he kept wearing me down, bringing it up at night, showing me those videos porn videos when I was half asleep. He'd say it was just a fantasy, that it didn't mean anything.
Last Saturday happened. I was so nervous I thought I was going to be sick. I kept thinking about what my mom would say if she knew. What my church friends would think if they saw me in that hotel. What my dad would do if he found out his daughter did... THAT.
When he arrived, I knew we had 3 nights in the hotel and knew we had quite a few contacts on tinder and reddit interested. I was so ashamed of myself just thinking about it. But then... I feel like such a hypocrite even typing this... but it was everything they say it is. My husband was watching with this look on his face as another man and i started to make out and fondle. I felt disgusted with myself, but also more alive than I've ever felt.
Now I'm sitting here in my perfect suburban home, looking at all my pictures with my "perfect" family, and I feel like such a fraud. I had lunch with my friends yesterday, listening to them judge another mom for getting "too friendly" with the new neighbor, while I was thinking about what I did. 2 nights with other men. Granted my husband had another woman, but still.
My parents would literally disown me. My friends would never speak to me again. My entire life would be over.
And the worst part? I can't stop thinking about it. I want to do it again.