u/MoonDrummer26

It's been amazing. Since April. LDR with scheduled monthly visits back and forth. Routinely daily talks. Gaming, laughing. Growing trust. Aftercare. Affection. Communication. Then last night, all came crashing down.

He has trauma, I accepted it. He opened up over time. During picnics , me in his arms, rubbing his back. Face touches, gentle moments. And he asked for the same as we also shared a partnership aside the dynamic. I've been so supportive, loving. Got him shoes as his was falling apart so his back would feel better during work. He needed them. But I haven't brought it up or made a big deal. I just care for him. Do these things cause I care and it helps.

I've slowly been opening up, he has been asking me to. That he wanted to be a safe place for me to And he's been accepting. Kind. Caring. And finally. I did about something very personal. I wont say directly. I'll say a mental diagnosis. But one that I've done therapy work for years on, and do not project on to others. Doesn't even enter my mind to harm anyone. More so depression I deal with and trust. But I attend therapy and keep with my routine. You wouldn't know I had it by meeting me. But he accepted I had trauma and depression before that. And am self aware. He accepted I had chronic illness as well.

I didn't know his abusive ex had it to. Did not seek treatment and hurt him. I had no idea.

He told me he would not judge me based on it. But in my actions. He had said I've been wonderful, a great addition to his life, a positive presence and so on. And after I told him, at first he was very accepting. Said he would not judge me but on how I've treated him, which I've treated him extremely well. And loving. Said he sees us together for years to come.

And tonight we had a long talk. He suddenly got defensive, overwhelmed. I did not push anything, even asked if he needed to stop, he said to stop acting like that. And assumed I was being sarcastic and jabbing. I said I wasn't at all, but wondering if we needed to not converse about it, if it felt not safe to continue. He apologized and said he wanted to keep talking. So we did.

He said he still trusted me but now he has to watch out for things. It hurt but I knew he had trauma. So I was a bit choked up. Wondering what I could do to make him feel safer. If he ever would. I felt hurt that I hadn't done anything to him, and yet he said he felt safe with me then said this contradictory thing.

And how it felt confusing saying he still trusted me, that things felt the same, but yet would have to watch out when I have no intention to hurt him. I said I didn't understand how he could feel both. And how that felt to me. As gentle as possible, just explaining my feelings. As he had said in the past he'd rather we keep communicating to understand each other. So I took his lead with that. We'd been open and always did well stopping to understand each other.

He then stopped and said he had to take time to reevaluate if he was saying things because he wanted to believe the words. I asked if he was breaking up with me and he said in a reply video " no, I'm not breaking up with you but need time to see if I said things because they were true or I want them to be true ". At first I didn't understand if he meant from my earlier question and needed a break from the convo, so asked if a phone call would clarify and help me understand. And he said" no. a phone call today would not end up with a positive result " and I said I understood. I was not pushy and the whole discussion wasn't trying to accussional but trying to understand him and some things that didn't make sense. That he finally acknowledged he realized and needs to think about.

I said I'm sorry if I did anything wrong. He said neither of us did. And I sent a recording asking for clarifying on some time and I'm trying to believe what he says about not breaking up and that I hope he judges me on how I treat him like he was saying. Granted was choked up as I said it in the voice memo.

He then finally texted " I'm going to take a day maybe two I'm gonna talk to myself and I talk to some people that I value their opinion and then I will talk to you "

I said I understood and he said " Talk to you soon ( my name ).

That was earlier this morning and I dunno what to think. Everything was great. Communication. The relationship. The dynamic we were growing. I've just been in tears. I understand trauma. Very. If I went by it I'd never look at a man again with what I've been through. But work through it. And he said he had worked through his. And so I just felt safe to come forward about things. And at first he very much accepted it. Then started saying things like " I will not walk on eggshells for you or anyone. Or ever go through what I did again " in this tone. And it felt so abrupt. Because I never asked him to. I said how it felt like he wasn't even talking to me.

He admitted it may have come from a place of defensiveness but he was forthright in saying it. It just felt like I was labled something without having done anything. When he told me in the past that he wouldn't like if I treated him a certain way due to untrust or things I went through despite his good nature.

Now outright I'm needed time away from. And don't know if I can believe anything he's said. I'm beside myself. And wish I never said anything. I don't mind the space, he can have it. But it feels like he'll throw everything away on crimes I've never committed.

He said it's good we talked and it would have happened anyway, that he doesn't know the outcome of the talk. And just seemed casual about it.

I just don't understand. I know trauma is different for everyone. But I was going off what he said. Before he did a total 180. And here I'm left wondering if I'll still be in his life in two days. For things I've never done 😞

This post is just to appreciate you folks in this group. Subs, new and seasoned. People giving good advice and sharing their stories. Those opening up about their traumas and experiences. Those looking out for others, giving sources and validation. I'm just very grateful to you all and to be here 💜

Been thinking about this for a while and how different dynamics work. And reflecting on my own subhood. My subness is ever present, but there is a default where that mode gets triggered or kicks on outside of play. Where my default mode ( dominant personality ) takes a back seat. And where sub frenzy/ sub guilt/ space/ zone over rides logic depending on the situation. All real things.

I know some just have play mode, some have 24/7 dynamics. Once and a while things. Or live for it.

I'm trying to find balance. So is my Dom as this duality is new to him. He's found that space and is balancing his mind about it. Different aspects and how it's evolving. The same for me.

For instance, I was in orgasm denial. Which I knocked out of the park the first time. The second time I had immense trouble due to stress and illness. My Dom does not react with anger and is kind. Strict when needed. And gives leeway when these special circumstances happen.

But my sub part is like " you failed your command ". And some have said " A dynamic is PLAY. You can make your own decisions and you're an adult to make self care decisions. He's not there to micromanage you ". That's literally not the point. I know this. ( Aside the fact there ARE dynamics where micromanaging is the protocol because s/d isn't linear to one dynamic or the other ).

The point is the balance, and struggle to find it. And accepting that those moments of reassuring my subness " it's okay. You're okay. You're a good sub ". Because he literally praises me. He literally smiles when he says I can have leeway. He says I do such a good job for him. And that I'm amazing. It's not about him micromanaging my self care. But the struggle to push to succeed a command vs the logic of needing to pause a command.

Realistically and logically I wouldn't NEED him to do anything. I pay my bills and make food and bathe myself. The bond and dynamic is what makes the very strong desire to succeed in a command. But knowing I would if I didn't have different struggles. And he is still satiated with the dynamic either way. The observation of the internal struggle is the point. And that I know I'm not alone with it.

For many of us it isn't a play session then automatically back to life, which there is nothing wrong with that what so ever. It's very deep and psychological and 24/7 in where it sits inside the core of someone's identity. There's no rules to how it's supposed to feel for any one person that experiences this lifestyle or these feelings.

Been thinking about this for a while and how different dynamics work. And reflecting on my own subhood. My subness is ever present, but there is a default where that mode gets triggered or kicks on outside of play. Where my default mode ( dominant personality ) takes a back seat. And where sub frenzy/ sub guilt/ space/ zone over rides logic depending on the situation. All real things.

I know some just have play mode, some have 24/7 dynamics. Once and a while things. Or live for it.

I'm trying to find balance. So is my Dom as this duality is new to him. He's found that space and is balancing his mind about it. Different aspects and how it's evolving. The same for me.

For instance, I was in orgasm denial. Which I knocked out of the park the first time. The second time I had immense trouble due to stress and illness. My Dom does not react with anger and is kind. Strict when needed. And gives leeway when these special circumstances happen.

But my sub part is like " you failed your command ". And some have said " A dynamic is PLAY. You can make your own decisions and you're an adult to make self care decisions. He's not there to micromanage you ". That's literally not the point. I know this. ( Aside the fact there ARE dynamics where micromanaging is the protocol because s/d isn't linear to one dynamic or the other ).

The point is the balance, and struggle to find it. And accepting that those moments of reassuring my subness " it's okay. You're okay. You're a good sub ". Because he literally praises me. He literally smiles when he says I can have leeway. He says I do such a good job for him. And that I'm amazing. It's not about him micromanaging my self care. But the struggle to push to succeed a command vs the logic of needing to pause a command.

Realistically and logically I wouldn't NEED him to do anything. I pay my bills and make food and bathe myself. The bond and dynamic is what makes the very strong desire to succeed in a command. But knowing I would if I didn't have different struggles. And he is still satiated with the dynamic either way. The observation of the internal struggle is the point. And that I know I'm not alone with it.

For many of us it isn't a play session then automatically back to life, which there is nothing wrong with that what so ever. It's very deep and psychological and 24/7 in where it sits inside the core of someone's identity. There's no rules to how it's supposed to feel for any one person that experiences this lifestyle or these feelings.

So I've been in orgasm denial. I've been doing great. To the point I've gotten my labido to balance and mind in control about it. First denial we did, I got through a whole week until I saw him again and he gave it to me. Which was blissful and so rewarding.

This time around , he allowed me one between two weeks where I see him next Friday. Whenever he gives the command my labido sky rockets for a bit and I go into a challenging frenzy but it makes me focus and exercise a lot and I enjoy elements of the " suffering " of it. If you understand you understand.

Earlier yesterday we had a long phone call about things. We'll be talking more about protocols in person next Friday and I'll be bringing our dynamic book.

Tonight I'm feeling stress arousal. After going a week of leveling out. We had some botched from afar play. Wasn't his fault or mine, but figuring things out and need more of a routine and schedule to things. So there was no blame on anyone. He's new at Doming but doing so excellent it's as if he's been a Dom for years. We're also partners. And took months to communicate before agreeing to the s/d dynamic. Being patient and dipping our feet gradually.

On the phone he asked if I had touched myself, I said no and he said " Good, I'm proud of you. " And reassured me of my progress and restraint.

Tonight I'm dealing with bad migraines and chronic pain. And while usually that can deter my labido, tonight my body is like " hey we could use some pain aiding dopamine 😬 ".

He is asleep after heading into work on a day off and having had a frustrating experience so ofcourse I'm not going to wake him over permission for an orgasm. Nor do I have the urge to.

But I don't want to disappoint him because in the long run that would really mess me up. Even if he isn't super upset with me over it. The feeling of him being proud, and pride in myself, and reward for doing so good is worth it all.

Anyone else relate? How did you deal with it?

Feel like my heating pad is my only recourse 😅

Edit: please to any Doms, it would not benefit me in any way to express how you'd be " mad " as my Dom does not respond with anger in our dynamic and it would be damaging to us as we have communicated our feelings. My question is to those that relate and how you've dealt with it. Thanks. ( Gotten DMs and it's not helpful )

So I've been in orgasm denial. I've been doing great. To the point I've gotten my labido to balance and mind in control about it. First denial we did, I got through a whole week until I saw him again and he gave it to me. Which was blissful and so rewarding.

This time around , he allowed me one between two weeks where I see him next Friday. Whenever he gives the command my labido sky rockets for a bit and I go into a challenging frenzy but it makes me focus and exercise a lot and I enjoy elements of the " suffering " of it. If you understand you understand.

Earlier yesterday we had a long phone call about things. We'll be talking more about protocols in person next Friday and I'll be bringing our dynamic book.

Tonight I'm feeling stress arousal. After going a week of leveling out. We had some botched from afar play. Wasn't his fault or mine, but figuring things out and need more of a routine and schedule to things. So there was no blame on anyone. He's new at Doming but doing so excellent it's as if he's been a Dom for years. We're also partners. And took months to communicate before agreeing to the s/d dynamic. Being patient and dipping our feet gradually.

On the phone he asked if I had touched myself, I said no and he said " Good, I'm proud of you. " And reassured me of my progress and restraint.

Tonight I'm dealing with bad migraines and chronic pain. And while usually that can deter my labido, tonight my body is like " hey we could use some pain aiding dopamine 😬 ".

He is asleep after heading into work on a day off and having had a frustrating experience so ofcourse I'm not going to wake him over permission for an orgasm. Nor do I have the urge to.

But I don't want to disappoint him because in the long run that would really mess me up. Even if he isn't super upset with me over it. The feeling of him being proud, and pride in myself, and reward for doing so good is worth it all.

Anyone else relate? How did you deal with it?

Feel like my heating pad is my only recourse 😅

Edit: please to any Doms, it would not benefit me in any way to express how you'd be " mad " as my Dom does not respond with anger in our dynamic and it would be damaging to us as we have communicated our feelings. My question is to those that relate and how you've dealt with it. Thanks.

So I've been in orgasm denial. I've been doing great. To the point I've gotten my labido to balance and mind in control about it. First denial we did, I got through a whole week until I saw him again and he gave it to me. Which was blissful and so rewarding.

This time around , he allowed me one between two weeks where I see him next Friday. Whenever he gives the command my labido sky rockets for a bit and I go into a challenging frenzy but it makes me focus and exercise a lot and I enjoy elements of the " suffering " of it. If you understand you understand.

Earlier yesterday we had a long phone call about things. We'll be talking more about protocols in person next Friday and I'll be bringing our dynamic book.

Tonight I'm feeling stress arousal. After going a week of leveling out. We had some botched from afar play. Wasn't his fault or mine, but figuring things out and need more of a routine and schedule to things. So there was no blame on anyone. He's new at Doming but doing so excellent it's as if he's been a Dom for years. We're also partners. And took months to communicate before agreeing to the s/d dynamic. Being patient and dipping our feet gradually.

On the phone he asked if I had touched myself, I said no and he said " Good, I'm proud of you. " And reassured me of my progress and restraint.

Tonight I'm dealing with bad migraines and chronic pain. And while usually that can deter my labido, tonight my body is like " hey we could use some pain aiding dopamine 😬 ".

He is asleep after heading into work on a day off and having had a frustrating experience so ofcourse I'm not going to wake him over permission for an orgasm. Nor do I have the urge to.

But I don't want to disappoint him because in the long run that would really mess me up. Even if he isn't super upset with me over it. The feeling of him being proud, and pride in myself, and reward for doing so good is worth it all.

Anyone else relate? How did you deal with it?

Feel like my heating pad is my only recourse 😅

Edit:

Holy shit I get SO tired of Doms butting in in my DMs or other group reposts with " I'd be madder if you didn't call me ". My question and situation was directed to those that relate and how they get through it and already with Doms pushing their feelings and dynamics on a dynamic that doesn't reflect them. I can't imagine my Dom getting angry at me over it. Or feel comfortable just waking him after a hard day of work and just want to get through it for my own benefit. Ugh 😫 I'll talk to my Dom when I am able about protocols going forward but for now can they just NOT

My Dom/partner and I have been having a wonderful time blossoming our dynamic. He's amazing. And it's still relatively new. I started dating him with him knowing I was looking for a s/d dyamic ontop of it. So as we focused on our relationship we also paralleled working towards the other dynamic until we were ready. Lots and lots of communication. And so far it's the best experience I've ever had.

He never had previous Dom experience but some kink. And I saw the tendencies in him off the bat that I was drawn to. He's a soft Dom with some sadist and very primal qualities. Loves to entertain my Kitty/pet side. Is amazing with commands and aftercare. Sessions are so fantastic. Just all around he has been great.

We started to talk about punishments as he was playfully entertaining punishing me for my bratiness by relenting spankings. We don't consider spankings a punishment. I don't even say funishment for them because they're such a reward. Even just 4 rear slaps and I'll start sub space and begin floating it's that good.

I started to bring up other punishment ideas while we were talking last night. Since when he gets in his Dom space he wants to correct me, talks very confidently and enjoys himself. But the subject did seem to make him very nervous. He gets moments where he worries if he'll sound dumb, and recently called himself dumb when he tried to explain why it's difficult to explain the nuance of how his mind works in that moment.

I reassured him that we're human, no one is always 100 percent confident. And I told him when that Dom part comes out, he comes across as immensely confident to me ( it was his worry going in. But he was excited to keep going ). But when he's expressing himself, doing what he does, he's friggen phenomenal. No part of him seems to lack confidence. His enjoyment of it feels like confidence. It feels like when he's out of that mode, back on his regular mind that the insecurities creep in and he needs reassurance.

I feel he's wrestling with the duality of Domhood. That he now has a Dom space, and how it feels like a different part of him. Where the regular him has a knee jerk reaction to punishment, but the Dom part is eager and understands it by how he states things. And he doesn't know when and if the two will fuse.

I said nothing is a concrete decion, or has to be made a rule now. And he said he wants this discussion and to keep going. He just felt that in the moment it was kind of warping his head. He was also at work, which he can talk freely but this particular subject he wants more indepth conversation like our usual dynamic communication when we're making decisions going forward.

I took it as just daily banter as I asked but not as a decion to make in the moment, nothing serious to get into and just mull over. Which is usually fine and he even asked me to continue about it. As he will even do play while he's at work with commands and enjoys it a lot. But as we continued the subject he started to get more nervous.

It triggered something in him. He thanked me for the reassurance and talk and said we will discuss it more. Most likely when I see him in person again next week and I'll bring our book.

I tell him it's normal to feel this way, that there is a duality to these dynamics and head spaces many times. And it's different for everyone. That he never seems dumb or " uncool " as he puts it, because he's dealing with ME and not once do I ever feel that way about him. I see him as a confident Dom that knows what he's doing. And he thoroughly enjoys that aspect of himself that's evolving.

I feel bad that he seems confused in the lack of realization that he actually has a Dom head space now. I know that sense of self confusion as you learn new things about yourself. Because it's new to him. So now there is this other facet that is coming to the surface. Something he said he always had an inclination to and was drawn to but had no one he felt safe enough to express it with. And now his mind is doing this splitting thing.

I feel eventually things will balance out. I always tell him if he's uncomfortable with something, it doesn't have to be done. That no decision is final and we always talk about it. He said I made him feel better and it did a lot to help him. That he wants to do this regarding laying out punishments but has to think out his thoughts so to speak. That the HIM him has to level with the Dom HIM, and realize he isn't causing me direct harm in a way that doesn't seem fulfilling. And that Dom side being eager to do it or understanding it is okay.

I know the struggle with duality on my own end. My subhood is always present but comes out more at different times. I have a dominant personality but when that switch is flipped, I'm an obedient servant and pet for him. So this new aspect that he has that part of him, he needs time to adjust. And he knows I'm there for him during it.

My Dom/partner and I have been having a wonderful time blossoming our dynamic. He's amazing. And it's still relatively new. I started dating him with him knowing I was looking for a s/d dyamic ontop of it. So as we focused on our relationship we also paralleled working towards the other dynamic until we were ready. Lots and lots of communication. And so far it's the best experience I've ever had.

He never had previous Dom experience but some kink. And I saw the tendencies in him off the bat that I was drawn to. He's a soft Dom with some sadist and very primal qualities. Loves to entertain my Kitty/pet side. Is amazing with commands and aftercare. Sessions are so fantastic. Just all around he has been great.

We started to talk about punishments as he was playfully entertaining punishing me for my bratiness by relenting spankings. We don't consider spankings a punishment. I don't even say funishment for them because they're such a reward. Even just 4 rear slaps and I'll start sub space and begin floating it's that good.

I started to bring up other punishment ideas while we were talking last night. Since when he gets in his Dom space he wants to correct me, talks very confidently and enjoys himself. But the subject did seem to make him very nervous. He gets moments where he worries if he'll sound dumb, and recently called himself dumb when he tried to explain why it's difficult to explain the nuance of how his mind works in that moment.

I reassured him that we're human, no one is always 100 percent confident. And I told him when that Dom part comes out, he comes across as immensely confident to me ( it was his worry going in. But he was excited to keep going ). But when he's expressing himself, doing what he does, he's friggen phenomenal. No part of him seems to lack confidence. His enjoyment of it feels like confidence. It feels like when he's out of that mode, back on his regular mind that the insecurities creep in and he needs reassurance.

I feel he's wrestling with the duality of Domhood. That he now has a Dom space, and how it feels like a different part of him. Where the regular him has a knee jerk reaction to punishment, but the Dom part is eager and understands it by how he states things. And he doesn't know when and if the two will fuse.

I said nothing is a concrete decion, or has to be made a rule now. And he said he wants this discussion and to keep going. He just felt that in the moment it was kind of warping his head. He was also at work, which he can talk freely but this particular subject he wants more indepth conversation like our usual dynamic communication when we're making decisions going forward.

I took it as just daily banter as I asked but not as a decion to make in the moment, nothing serious to get into and just mull over. Which is usually fine and he even asked me to continue about it. As he will even do play while he's at work with commands and enjoys it a lot. But as we continued the subject he started to get more nervous.

It triggered something in him. He thanked me for the reassurance and talk and said we will discuss it more. Most likely when I see him in person again next week and I'll bring our book.

I tell him it's normal to feel this way, that there is a duality to these dynamics and head spaces many times. And it's different for everyone. That he never seems dumb or " uncool " as he puts it, because he's dealing with ME and not once do I ever feel that way about him. I see him as a confident Dom that knows what he's doing. And he thoroughly enjoys that aspect of himself that's evolving.

I feel bad that he seems confused in the lack of realization that he actually has a Dom head space now. I know that sense of self confusion as you learn new things about yourself. Because it's new to him. So now there is this other facet that is coming to the surface. Something he said he always had an inclination to and was drawn to but had no one he felt safe enough to express it with. And now his mind is doing this splitting thing.

I feel eventually things will balance out. I always tell him if he's uncomfortable with something, it doesn't have to be done. That no decision is final and we always talk about it. He said I made him feel better and it did a lot to help him. That he wants to do this regarding laying out punishments but has to think out his thoughts so to speak. That the HIM him has to level with the Dom HIM, and realize he isn't causing me direct harm in a way that doesn't seem fulfilling. And that Dom side being eager to do it or understanding it is okay.

I know the struggle with duality on my own end. My subhood is always present but comes out more at different times. I have a dominant personality but when that switch is flipped, I'm an obedient servant and pet for him. So this new aspect that he has that part of him, he needs time to adjust. And he knows I'm there for him during it.

My Dom/partner and I have been having a wonderful time blossoming our dynamic. He's amazing. And it's still relatively new. I started dating him with him knowing I was looking for a s/d dyamic ontop of it. So as we focused on our relationship we also paralleled working towards the other dynamic until we were ready. Lots and lots of communication. And so far it's the best experience I've ever had.

He never had previous Dom experience but some kink. And I saw the tendencies in him off the bat that I was drawn to. He's a soft Dom with some sadist and very primal qualities. Loves to entertain my Kitty/pet side. Is amazing with commands and aftercare. Sessions are so fantastic. Just all around he has been great.

We started to talk about punishments as he was playfully entertaining punishing me for my bratiness by relenting spankings. We don't consider spankings a punishment. I don't even say funishment for them because they're such a reward. Even just 4 rear slaps and I'll start sub space and begin floating it's that good.

I started to bring up other punishment ideas while we were talking last night. Since when he gets in his Dom space he wants to correct me, talks very confidently and enjoys himself. But the subject did seem to make him very nervous. He gets moments where he worries if he'll sound dumb, and recently called himself dumb when he tried to explain why it's difficult to explain the nuance of how his mind works in that moment.

I reassured him that we're human, no one is always 100 percent confident. And I told him when that Dom part comes out, he comes across as immensely confident to me ( it was his worry going in. But he was excited to keep going ). But when he's expressing himself, doing what he does, he's friggen phenomenal. No part of him seems to lack confidence. His enjoyment of it feels like confidence. It feels like when he's out of that mode, back on his regular mind that the insecurities creep in and he needs reassurance.

I feel he's wrestling with the duality of Domhood. That he now has a Dom space, and how it feels like a different part of him. Where the regular him has a knee jerk reaction to punishment, but the Dom part is eager and understands it by how he states things. And he doesn't know when and if the two will fuse.

I said nothing is a concrete decion, or has to be made a rule now. And he said he wants this discussion and to keep going. He just felt that in the moment it was kind of warping his head. He was also at work, which he can talk freely but this particular subject he wants more indepth conversation like our usual dynamic communication when we're making decisions going forward.

I took it as just daily banter as I asked but not as a decion to make in the moment, nothing serious to get into and just mull over. Which is usually fine and he even asked me to continue about it. As he will even do play while he's at work with commands and enjoys it a lot. But as we continued the subject he started to get more nervous.

It triggered something in him. He thanked me for the reassurance and talk and said we will discuss it more. Most likely when I see him in person again next week and I'll bring our book.

I tell him it's normal to feel this way, that there is a duality to these dynamics and head spaces many times. And it's different for everyone. That he never seems dumb or " uncool " as he puts it, because he's dealing with ME and not once do I ever feel that way about him. I see him as a confident Dom that knows what he's doing. And he thoroughly enjoys that aspect of himself that's evolving.

I feel bad that he seems confused in the lack of realization that he actually has a Dom head space now. I know that sense of self confusion as you learn new things about yourself. Because it's new to him. So now there is this other facet that is coming to the surface. Something he said he always had an inclination to and was drawn to but had no one he felt safe enough to express it with. And now his mind is doing this splitting thing.

I feel eventually things will balance out. I always tell him if he's uncomfortable with something, it doesn't have to be done. That no decision is final and we always talk about it. He said I made him feel better and it did a lot to help him. That he wants to do this regarding laying out punishments but has to think out his thoughts so to speak. That the HIM him has to level with the Dom HIM, and realize he isn't causing me direct harm in a way that doesn't seem fulfilling. And that Dom side being eager to do it or understanding it is okay.

I know the struggle with duality on my own end. My subhood is always present but comes out more at different times. I have a dominant personality but when that switch is flipped, I'm an obedient servant and pet for him. So this new aspect that he has that part of him, he needs time to adjust. And he knows I'm there for him during it.

Some excerpts of our chats. This was during my first drop with him. Which had a lag. When I was explaining my feelings but it took me forever to push to open up as I was going through it.

--

Me: I honestly don't know what to do about it 🤷‍♀️ I didn't want to make a big deal about it. But it happened. And I figured like cool it probably wouldn't but it did. It's hard right now to vocally talk about it if it makes sense. You feel " lost " and sometimes shame. It makes no sense. I didn't want to scare or burden you on it. But I guess we talked about it.

i was told part of the drop sometimes is the hesitancy to bring it up to feel safe about talking about it.

Sir: There is nothing bad about it happening, there is nothing bad about wanting to deal with it yourself, and there's nothing bad about telling me. I trust you to know what you need, and I am offering what I can which is a phone call. 😊 It's available if you want it, and it's great if you don't 😘.

( We had a call and he cheered me up and talked with me to help me through it )

--

Recent drop, which has been even more brutal. But we had AMAZING longer sessions and for more days. So the higher the sub space high I had gotten, the more crashing the drop is being. I don't avoid it and it's worth it so much due to the sessions and his after care after and while he's away. I also am going through some life stuff on the side which adds to it. But we had another call aside talking daily which was great.

--

Sir: It's ok. You can always ask me. I'm an honest guy👍 It does seem like you've been getting a 1, 2 punch combo to your brain lately. That's shitty

Me: i feel like I talk to you an equal amount. And equal times we do our own things. And you say you like this routine and flowing dynamic. And do not feel pressured or bothered. And I guess that's part of the trust im acclimating to. I'm not used to being allowed healthy space. At the same time I'm not used to being able to have a safe talking routine. On the Dom side I'm not used to one that prolonged aftercare to where they are there a few days I go through it.

But I'm enjoying how healthy it seems. And also the reliancy that you communicate your feelings that if something was bothering you you'd say. Which I'm not used to either lol

Him: I'm glad you're feeling a lot of positive things about your relationship. That's makes me happy. I think we're doing pretty good so far 😊

--

He always asks what ways he can do to help me through it. Help in general. As I explained I'm not used to that with partners in general. And my last Dom was unsafe to communicate with let alone it became so toxic I had to end the dynamic and block him.

And suddenly healthy, commutative and attentive is here. Telling me how he feels openly. That he hasn't had a connection like what we have before. Saying he's there. And is there. And I'm trying very hard to be present with it all. That it's my reality now. I'm okay.

Sessions are safe as I'm taken care of. And he's amazing with control and commands. Communication is safe in general, he's open about his feelings. HE'S safe.

I'll still have that fear instinct. The past and trauma is a bitch. But over time it'll stick.

He is exemplary during Denial lately, last night he allowed me an orgasm which he knew I needed. And it was wonderful. But I'll be waiting until I see him again for the next. As my last Denial for a week was amazing, him having the control and giving me the relief himself was so phenomenal.

I see him again in a week and a half where I have a present for him 💕 I feel he'll really enjoy it.

Some excerpts of our chats. This was during my first drop with him. Which had a lag. When I was explaining my feelings but it took me forever to push to open up as I was going through it.

--

Me: I honestly don't know what to do about it 🤷‍♀️ I didn't want to make a big deal about it. But it happened. And I figured like cool it probably wouldn't but it did. It's hard right now to vocally talk about it if it makes sense. You feel " lost " and sometimes shame. It makes no sense. I didn't want to scare or burden you on it. But I guess we talked about it.

i was told part of the drop sometimes is the hesitancy to bring it up to feel safe about talking about it.

Sir: There is nothing bad about it happening, there is nothing bad about wanting to deal with it yourself, and there's nothing bad about telling me. I trust you to know what you need, and I am offering what I can which is a phone call. 😊 It's available if you want it, and it's great if you don't 😘.

( We had a call and he cheered me up and talked with me to help me through it )

--

Recent drop, which has been even more brutal. But we had AMAZING longer sessions and for more days. So the higher the sub space high I had gotten, the more crashing the drop is being. I don't avoid it and it's worth it so much due to the sessions and his after care after and while he's away. I also am going through some life stuff on the side which adds to it. But we had another call aside talking daily which was great.

--

Sir: It's ok. You can always ask me. I'm an honest guy👍 It does seem like you've been getting a 1, 2 punch combo to your brain lately. That's shitty

Me: i feel like I talk to you an equal amount. And equal times we do our own things. And you say you like this routine and flowing dynamic. And do not feel pressured or bothered. And I guess that's part of the trust im acclimating to. I'm not used to being allowed healthy space. At the same time I'm not used to being able to have a safe talking routine. On the Dom side I'm not used to one that prolonged aftercare to where they are there a few days I go through it.

But I'm enjoying how healthy it seems. And also the reliancy that you communicate your feelings that if something was bothering you you'd say. Which I'm not used to either lol

Him: I'm glad you're feeling a lot of positive things about your relationship. That's makes me happy. I think we're doing pretty good so far 😊

--

He always asks what ways he can do to help me through it. Help in general. As I explained I'm not used to that with partners in general. And my last Dom was unsafe to communicate with let alone it became so toxic I had to end the dynamic and block him.

And suddenly healthy, commutative and attentive is here. Telling me how he feels openly. That he hasn't had a connection like what we have before. Saying he's there. And is there. And I'm trying very hard to be present with it all. That it's my reality now. I'm okay.

Sessions are safe as I'm taken care of. And he's amazing with control and commands. Communication is safe in general, he's open about his feelings. HE'S safe.

I'll still have that fear instinct. The past and trauma is a bitch. But over time it'll stick.

He is exemplary during Denial lately, last night he allowed me an orgasm which he knew I needed. And it was wonderful. But I'll be waiting until I see him again for the next. As my last Denial for a week was amazing, him having the control and giving me the relief himself was so phenomenal.

I see him again in a week and a half where I have a present for him 💕 I feel he'll really enjoy it.

I'm experiencing a drop since my last few sessions with my Dom. It's lagged but brutal. But he's been wonderful. And I wanted a denial again ontop. Which I know is ill advised but I feel gives me refocus and structure as I deal with the drop. Denial makes me angsty and the frenzy from it pushes me to exercise a lot. Which helps with the drop. My Dom and I talk daily in-between visits. And we have a scheduled call tomorrow.

But i asked tonight if I could edge. I was just very pent up. And the drop ontop was a lot. He gave me a time frame. And I began. I said I wasn't going to last 15 minutes. So he allowed me one orgasm. To which I was so very grateful. And he told me I was such a good Kitty with many praises. He wasn't upset at all.

Yet there's this guilt. Last time I lasted a whole week of Denial. I have two weeks til I see him again, and wanted to do the whole two. And I enjoy the denial. But the drop has been extra brutal. So now I feel this drop from an orgasm two days after he gave me one himself after a week of denial that I got through successfully.

Still, this " guilt ". And I've seen other subs talk about it

Despite their Doms being fine, not disappointed. I guess I hold myself to these standards. Of self success with my subhood. That is so complicated.

How do I shed the guilt part? Like I failed this task. Like I wanted to get through it because I love the ache of denial, and pride myself in my willpower. The rewards he gives, and the benefits of it to myself. But I needed this release. And it still made him so pleased.

I dunno, maybe I'm feeling it extra due to the drop happening. Which the sessions were AMAZING. So the drops being brutal make sense. My sub space was so high and prolific. So the fall expectedly would be intense. I'll feel better after I talk to him on the phone tomorrow. And tonight's allowance helped a lot.

I wish I understood my own mind many times lol

I'm experiencing a drop since my last few sessions with my Dom. It's lagged but brutal. But he's been wonderful. And I wanted a denial again ontop. Which I know is ill advised but I feel gives me refocus and structure as I deal with the drop. Denial makes me angsty and the frenzy from it pushes me to exercise a lot. Which helps with the drop. My Dom and I talk daily in-between visits. And we have a scheduled call tomorrow.

But i asked tonight if I could edge. I was just very pent up. And the drop ontop was a lot. He gave me a time frame. And I began. I said I wasn't going to last 15 minutes. So he allowed me one orgasm. To which I was so very grateful. And he told me I was such a good Kitty with many praises. He wasn't upset at all.

Yet there's this guilt. Last time I lasted a whole week of Denial. I have two weeks til I see him again, and wanted to do the whole two. And I enjoy the denial. But the drop has been extra brutal. So now I feel this drop from an orgasm two days after he gave me one himself after a week of denial that I got through successfully.

Still, this " guilt ". And I've seen other subs talk about it

Despite their Doms being fine, not disappointed. I guess I hold myself to these standards. Of self success with my subhood. That is so complicated.

How do I shed the guilt part? Like I failed this task. Like I wanted to get through it because I love the ache of denial, and pride myself in my willpower. The rewards he gives, and the benefits of it to myself. But I needed this release. And it still made him so pleased.

I dunno, maybe I'm feeling it extra due to the drop happening. Which the sessions were AMAZING. So the drops being brutal make sense. My sub space was so high and prolific. So the fall expectedly would be intense. I'll feel better after I talk to him on the phone tomorrow. And tonight's allowance helped a lot.

I wish I understood my own mind many times lol

I hate it so much. Why can't it happen after the session??

Why does it need to pop the fuck up a day or days later. Now days later at it's fucking peak. I hate this. I hate this so much. I feel horrible. I'm probably going to cry. I hate crying. But fuck this shit. But the highs of a good session.

Aftercare after. And yes he does during these days too even from afar when he's left. I just, it's so hard. I felt it would be easier this time around. I feel like I'm being hit by a train. Does it get better? Or is it worse because the sessions were THAT GOOD? The subspace was that euphoric.

I see him in two weeks. This passed last time. It does. But two days til it decides to kick in? I felt it brewing but thought maybe a little blip. Instead, just laying here with a heating pad about to break in tears. I know doing shit, despite being a laid back Sunday would do me better. I don't wanna move.

😭 UGH WHY

So I feel another drop coming on after a couple of days of sessions and session behavior. Some got very intense, it was amazing. Sir was phenomenal as usual.

I've kind of accepted they have lags. They used to just happen after a session with a past Dom. Now it's a day, or few and builds up and up and it's just total ass to deal with. It was hard to open up to my Dom about it last time but I made a post and you all were so helpful 💜 I'm grateful.

My Dom was very open and caring. He gives aftercare but is there for drops that lag. We had a call last time and he just checked in. But I feel like it's going to extra blindside me this time. I told him a phone call this week would help and he said absolutely. We talk daily but sometimes I need those longer conversations to come down.

My mind automatically wants to go into getting commands and protocol behavior though. I had orgasm denial ( I wanted and agreed to ) for a week a bit after my last drop. It was close to coming down from it. But I felt like the denial somehow cushioned everything because it became such a focus and super powerful thing. Like I dunno, my mind and body needed to refocus and re center. And now I find I'm craving that before this drop may or may not even get heightened.

Part of me so enjoyed the denial last time that my mind literally had a halt on self satiating until he has me or is the one to do it because it was SO rewarding. Despite the highs and lows and how rough. The " good " suffering from it, and structure it gave me. And his praises, encouragement and control and how amazing he was. Especially when he knew perfectly when to give it to me again.

Is it that my mind is trying to cope with the drop while juggle the hunger for more denial. Like are the two overlapping or seperate? I can't even tell at this point 😅

I feel such confused powerful feelings which I know can be apart of how a drop works.

Last time I had this swirling confusion, that " lost " part many of us relate with. And maybe I'm just wanting to get task crazy to deal with it. Because there is also a euphoric feeling to denial that feels exhilarating yet soothing. Like Sir has the reigns over this. I don't have to indulge in this and don't want to. He has the weight and control of this. And I love the notion of that. And that I can trust he rewards me in the end. So feel like that will help the drop.

I dunno, I feel like a broken record right now.

So I feel another drop coming on after a couple of days of sessions and session behavior. Some got very intense, it was amazing. Sir was phenomenal as usual.

I've kind of accepted they have lags. They used to just happen after a session with a past Dom. Now it's a day, or few and builds up and up and it's just total ass to deal with. It was hard to open up to my Dom about it last time but I made a post and you all were so helpful 💜 I'm grateful.

My Dom was very open and caring. He gives aftercare but is there for drops that lag. We had a call last time and he just checked in. But I feel like it's going to extra blindside me this time. I told him a phone call this week would help and he said absolutely. We talk daily but sometimes I need those longer conversations to come down.

My mind automatically wants to go into getting commands and protocol behavior though. I had orgasm denial ( I wanted and agreed to ) for a week a bit after my last drop. It was close to coming down from it. But I felt like the denial somehow cushioned everything because it became such a focus and super powerful thing. Like I dunno, my mind and body needed to refocus and re center. And now I find I'm craving that before this drop may or may not even get heightened.

Part of me so enjoyed the denial last time that my mind literally had a halt on self satiating until he has me or is the one to do it because it was SO rewarding. Despite the highs and lows and how rough. The " good " suffering from it, and structure it gave me. And his praises, encouragement and control and how amazing he was. Especially when he knew perfectly when to give it to me again.

Is it that my mind is trying to cope with the drop while juggle the hunger for more denial. Like are the two overlapping or seperate? I can't even tell at this point 😅

I feel such confused powerful feelings which I know can be apart of how a drop works.

Last time I had this swirling confusion, that " lost " part many of us relate with. And maybe I'm just wanting to get task crazy to deal with it. Because there is also a euphoric feeling to denial that feels exhilarating yet soothing. Like Sir has the reigns over this. I don't have to indulge in this and don't want to. He has the weight and control of this. And I love the notion of that. And that I can trust he rewards me in the end. So feel like that will help the drop.

I dunno, I feel like a broken record right now.

He carries me into the bedroom. Before he lays me down. Kissing me so gently, so gradual. He knows to touch me so preciously at first. My neck, my collarbone. How each kiss lights me up. Electric sparks down my spine. He knows he can mark me anywhere. I don't care how dark, long, what shape, if anyone sees them. Because they are beautiful badges. And the sting of his teeth feels almost as good as when he slaps my rear til it's on fire. I get high.

My hands get needy so quickly. But he doesn't allow me to make them go far, not yet. Just gently claw around where I want. Hungrily as he focuses on those sweet kisses. " You fit so perfectly in my arms. All of you. So small ", he says with that wolfish grin.

I dreamily smile as I nuzzle against him. My one hand still kneading. Wanting to stay like this forever, but already the trigger tapped to serve him. " Not yet ", he says firmly but in a soothing tone. I listen, I'm so good at listening. He praises me for it, how proud he is. I can go so long without touching myself. Without giving myself release, until he's the one to do it. Until he allows it.

When he finally allowed me to pleasure him, I am a fiend. I've made a home in my throat for his cock that can visit when he wants it to. My tongue lathers every inch of it until he's arching and his eyes roll back. He spasms, the weight of his legs push on my shoulders. But I don't move. Not until he says to pause. Then I don't dare continue til he gives the order again.

And sometimes in-between, despite me being so fired up to keep going until my body gives out, he'll hold me like this again. " I just want to be like this ". Holding my face, kissing me with such a deep reverence. Touching my nose, my lips. Looking into my eyes. Showing me how precious I am.

I never experienced that. Pauses during intmacy, or sessions, where a man just wanted to stop and hold me and connect. Not just keep going. But just focus on me in a purely emotional way. Intimacy that has nothing to do with the sex and serving, and everything that still is treasuring and euphoric. I almost look confused at him. I catch my thoughts " he doesn't want me to keep going? ". No, not in this moment. He just wants to be here with me.

And then we continue.