r/SoftPleasureDomSub

I've re-written this three times now. I don't really know who I'm talking to. Maybe that's why this sub feels safer than saying it out loud to someone whose face I'd have to watch.

I found this place looking for a word. I don't think there's one, exactly, but "soft" is the closest I've come. When people talk about dominance, they usually mean power. One person controlling another, making them do what they're told. That was never the thing I wanted from it. What I wanted is harder to explain, and it goes a long way back.

I grew up in a house where I couldn't read anyone. I couldn't tell what the people around me wanted, couldn't tell when the ground was about to move under me, and most of the time I couldn't get anyone to look at me long enough to find out. Attention in that house went everywhere except where I was. So what I wanted, as I grew up was the exact inverse of that. I wanted someone in front of me with nothing held back where I can't see it (it's fucked up, I know), her whole attention on me because I'm the one keeping it there. For a while I actually had that...It started with something so ordinary you'd never guess where it ended up, which is the part that still gets to me.

I don't miss her, but what I miss the most is when she'd get home and I'd sit her down with me and ask about her day. That's all, at first. Tell me about your day. And I'd honestly mean it. I wanted to hear it. But while she talked I'd start. Nothing she'd notice right away. A hand at the back of her neck. My mouth at the spot just under her ear. I miss it so much...I'd feel the exact moment she lost the thread of the sentence she was in, and I'd ask her to keep going. I am good at it..."You were saying". And she'd try, I'd twitch, precum glistening. I was making an equal sacrifice.

I think I was really after the asking itself. She had to stay with me. She had to keep talking to me, keep her eyes on me, keep kissing me, reach for me with words even as she stopped being able to line them up. And there was nothing of me she was allowed to hold onto, so all of that just came toward me and stayed there. Her whole attention, fixed on me, because I'd built the evening so it had nowhere else to point (I really miss the attention, being her center of attention). The touching was never the part that mattered. What I couldn't get enough of was watching her try to stay composed and lose, a little more with every sentence. Every breath she couldn't quite control was something she handed me without deciding to, and I'd reward her for it, such a good little pet.

She knew the rules. She didn't get to touch me. She didn't get to touch herself. All she got to do was keep talking, and keep failing at it, while I held her right at the edge of her own composure, just on this side of it, for as long as I wanted. The longer I kept her there the less of her was left. 'Putty?'. 'Clay?'. I've never landed on a word for it that doesn't sound stupid. A person turning into pure want in front of you, because you decided she would.

I'll be honest about something I'm not proud of. There's a point where she'd start to beg, and some part of me used to find it funny. I don't think I mean it the way it reads. I think what I mean is that the begging was proof, proof that she wanted me more than anything, and the proof made me feel something I don't have a name for. I'd call her good girl and mean it like tenderness and also like ownership and I never managed to separate the two.

What happened after that is ours, and I'm not going to put it here.

I'm writing all of this in the past tense and I've only just noticed. It's been over for some time now. And I think the reason I finally wrote it down is that I want it again. Someone across from me, telling me about their day while they come apart, trusting me. I don't fully know what I'm doing posting this. Maybe saying it out loud is how I start looking for it.

If any of this is familiar to you, I'd like to know I'm not the only one.

I love a spicy book, especially one with a D/s relationship! But every time that I read a book where the book has a female dom, the sub is usually a brat. I have found ones with a soft dom that are M/m or M/f, but I’d love to read a book where a lady is in that role.

Are there any books out there with a soft domme and a sub (ideally a man) who just wants to be good?

• I begin today with a playful heart and a peaceful mind.
• I enjoy being my own kind of captivating.
• I let my confidence show in the way I speak, laugh, and carry myself.
• I don't need to be perfect to be unforgettable.
• I welcome moments that make me blush, smile, or laugh a little longer than expected.
• I trust my intuition it has become one of my greatest strengths.
• I make room for joy without wondering when it will end.
• I appreciate my body, my mind, and everything that makes me uniquely me.
• I choose authenticity over approval every time.
• I allow myself to receive kindness, compliments, and affection with an open heart.
• I know my presence has value simply because I am in the room.
• I embrace both my softness and my confidence they belong together.
• I am excited by the possibilities this day holds.
• I leave behind self-doubt and make space for self-belief.
• Tonight, I'll look back on today and remember how good it felt to simply be myself.

I've been seeing my girlfriend for about seven months now, and we've naturally developed into a D/s dynamic. I'd describe myself as a soft Dom. Structure, consistency, patience, guidance, and mutual trust are much more important to me than being overly authoritarian. I enjoy earning submission instead of demanding it.

When we first started talking, she described herself as a brat, along with being a switch and a sapiosexual. Naturally, I expected there to be a lot of playful resistance, teasing, testing boundaries, and opportunities for me to redirect that energy.

The funny thing is...it never really happened.

As we've gotten closer, I've seen almost none of the stereotypical bratty behavior I was expecting. If anything, she's become incredibly cooperative, communicative, and intentional with me. She listens when I establish boundaries, openly talks through disagreements, and seems to genuinely enjoy following my lead without much resistance.

It makes me wonder if "brat" is sometimes more situational than it is a permanent personality trait. Maybe certain dynamics bring it out, while others don't. Or maybe some people identify with being bratty because of previous relationships, but once they feel emotionally safe and respected, that side doesn't come out nearly as often.

I'm definitely not complaining—I actually appreciate the trust she's shown me. It's just been different from what I expected going into the relationship.

For the experienced Doms and bratty subs here: have you ever had a self-described brat who rarely acted like one once the relationship became established? Did you find that security and consistency changed the dynamic, or did the brat eventually show up later once everyone became more comfortable?

• I wake up knowing I am allowed to feel radiant today.
• I carry myself with quiet confidence, and it changes the way I see the world.
• I enjoy the feeling of being comfortable in my own skin.
• I let my smile come easily it looks good on me.
• I don't dim my personality to make myself easier to understand.
• I am magnetic because I am genuine.
• I appreciate the little rituals that make me feel beautiful and cared for.
• I trust my instincts, especially when they lead me toward joy.
• I let myself enjoy a lingering glance or a meaningful smile without reading too much into it.
• I know that confidence grows every time I choose authenticity.
• I carry a little mystery with me, and I don't feel the need to explain everything.
• I deserve connection that is playful, respectful, and full of warmth.
• I let myself flirt with life by saying yes to moments that make me feel alive.
• I am allowed to enjoy feeling attractive without tying my worth to anyone else's opinion.
• Tonight, I'll remember that the most captivating version of me is the one who feels completely at ease being herself.

i recently was browsing through reddit and I noticed how these sex clips, gifs that are being posted on various subreddits have gotten more and more hardcore, rough and fast. I dont think this is a new problem in the adult film industry but seeing them on a subreddit like this one, thats new.

and it feels so wrong, it feels like taking out the one thing that makes it special, EMOTIONS! and replacing it with performative and visually appealing aspects which are only good for driving the adult film industry business and nothing else.

men and women are naturally sexual beings. craving a good, hard fuck is not what im against. I choose my words very carefully when i write "its not pleasurable in most scenarios". it definitely can be. im sure we can agree that we would want someone to pounce at us out of raw sexual desire.

what im against is the standards that have been set that it should be rough and hard and fast. why? why cant it be slow and loving and simply beautiful. not caring about how one looks but caring about how it feels.

people have been so desensitised, they have adopted standards that simply do not exist in the real world. why are people being robbed of the fun of enjoying the one most naturally beautiful activity that helps two human beings bonds on a level that cannot be put to words.

sex is indeed a beautiful, natural process and it shouldve been celebrated in its truest form instead of being commercialised. every aspect of it is so deeply optimised to look good.

I believe that the best sex is when you and your partner agree to not be performative, when you agree to communicate at every point. you dont care about the way you look or the way you taste or the sounds you make.

the best sex is when you dont change a single thing or try to change a single thing about the kind of person you are in bed.

that doesnt mean dont try to learn and get better over time but the physical aspects, the things you feel insecure about, the things you change in order to be someone who you're not.

I have made a habit out of kissing those parts of her first which she feels insecure about. and kissing them alot. complimenting the way she tastes, the way it smells. complimenting the way her pussy looks, doesnt matter if its bushy or bald.

Am I the only one intrigued by impact play as long as it's a leather crop toy but winces at the thought of rougher impact play with rougher material like hardwood, treads, and spikes? Opinions are welcomed from doms and subs.

https://preview.redd.it/9phz7ptol3ah1.jpg?width=1254&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d3a1e4731cdf66b08f442b22e94b04ac6c601e04

Hi everybody! I’m KDS, and I’m excited to be the newest mod for r/SoftPleasureDomSub! I figured I should do an AMA to introduce myself to the community.

A little about me to start: I’m a 38M Indian American pleasure Dom from New England, married to my 36F good girl sub. We’ve been in our dynamic for 4 years, and I collared her last year on our 12 year dating anniversary. I’m also a mod on r/SofterBDSM.

True to my username, I am indeed a data scientist in my day job. My sub and I are parents, and we have two dogs. Other than kink, my hobbies include cooking, hiking, craft beer, hockey, Starcraft, and chess.

Ask me anything!

I WANT TO POINT OUT THAT I AM SPEAKING FROM GENERALITIES FROM WHAT I HAVE SEEN ONLINE! I AM NOT TRYING TO CALL OUT ANYONE THAT DOES NOT CONFORM TO THIS OR THAT ENJOYS DIFFERENT THINGS! EVERYTHING ABOUT D/S IS ABOUT FINDING WHAT BOTH PEOPLE ARE LOOKING FOR AND DOING WHAT WORKS FOR YOU! IF YOU DON'T FEEL SEEN BY MY POST, THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE NOT VALID! SUBS AND DOMS COME IN ALL SHAPES, SIZES, INTERESTS, AND PERSONALITIES!

One of the stereotypical parts of a D/S relationship is expectations or tasks and the rewards or punishments that they lead to. From the simple things like setting routines to the more direct things like orgasm control (whether that be edging or asking for permission). Then on the reward/punishment side, you have the simple of a sweet treat or (depending on the dynamic) reflecting on why the sub did not meet the expectation all the way up to something bigger like a surprise trip that the sub has wanted to go on or some form of long term denial (again, depending on the dynamic).

But there are two parts that set apart a soft dom in my mind.

1. The obvious of the intensity of anything involved. A reward from a soft dom would likely be a lot more specific to that sub than a "normal" dom. Same thing for the punishment. For example, a soft dom might focus a lot more on praise for rewards or punishments that are still focused on care. While other doms might focus on a more directly sexual nature such as a special kind of play that they both love doing or overstimulation. Again, there is always going to be overlap and this is very much a simplification and a generalization.

2. While it is important for ANY relationship and gets more important wiith D/S, soft doms are more in tune with what is going through their subs mind or what is going on in their life. This is where my idea for this post came from. I've talked to a few people who have been given tasks before that, due to circumstances they could not control like emergencies or general life stuff, they could not complete. Despite that, the dom that gave them that task insisted on the punishment immediately and only focused on that and not the other things going on. In that moment, nothing should matter besides the safety and health of anyone involved. A good soft dom will be the comfort space when things are going on. If there is a family emergency for their sub, they should be a place to disconnect as much as they need, whether that's thinking or talking about other things or fully disconnecting.

I remember I once gave a sub a task that sounded simple and they seemed excited to do it. Before they could complete it, the had a plumbing problem that left their house flooding. They came back to me all but in tears because of what was going on but also that they hadn't completed their task. The task was the furthest thing from my mind. I was worried about their safety, their stuff, whether they could stay at home, everything about them as a person and if I could do anything. Luckily, things ended up working out well and, when things were less hectic and stable again, they brought up the task again. I told them I wasn't worried about it but they said they were ready to get back in that mindset. I gave them another chance at the task and they completed it to the best of their ability. They told me they deserved a punishment for not fulfilling it and, after discussing it, we enjoyed a fun scene that mixed rewards for doing what they could with punishments for not completing it. Afterwards, they told me it was exactly what they needed and thanked me over and over again for being understanding.

---

What was this whole post for? Mostly just me getting thoughts out of my head. But I want to leave this:

For the doms looking for a sub, remember to look out for the person and not just the personality they present. Compassion goes a long way.

For the subs looking for a dom, remember that you deserve that compassion. You should feel safe to discuss whatever you need to without worrying about what might happen.

Looking to connect with someone in the community?

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I love alpha submissives. Competence is hot. But how do you Dom that? My thought process is that you can't be a hard Dom to an alpha submissive. They'll just walk away. You have to be soft. Note that soft doesn't mean weak - there's plenty of strength in making sure that someone you care about drinks water and takes breaks from the computer.

You have to be a safe harbor where they don't have to be competent, where they can put things down.

Because being competent all the time is fucking draining.

But if you're "on" all the time, it's really hard to be "off", even in private. So Domming an alpha submissive is a lot of showing them that it's safe to be vulnerable and put the competence down for a while.

That also means that you, as the Dom, have to be competent in and of yourself. You have to be able to put your moolah where your mouth is and do the competent things.

Otherwise, how else is she going to trust you to pick things up when she puts them down?

Okay, I've run out of thoughts. I know these thoughts aren't exactly groundbreaking, but I had to get this out of my head.

First post, kinda shy

I’m new to a lot of things and one of them is the idea that I can actually experience all the lovely things I read about on this thread and others. I was kinda in denial because I have some pelvic floor dysfunction that makes penetration painful so it was kind of out of sight out of mind for a long time. Anyway I actually found this group through r/vaginismus, when someone spoke about their experience with a pleasure dom and how they were able to have one of their first orgasm with them or something like that.

I’ve always been able to have clit orgasms and that’s pretty much the only thing I do but now I wanna venture into penetration but most importantly edging. Specifically allowing the pleasure to build and kind of controlling the orgasm.

I have no idea how people do that. I’ve tried and if I wait too long it kinda dies out but other times it kinda happens without me wanting it to and then nothing after that, I know some women are multi-orgasmic naturally and I would love to be that way but as of right now it’s one and done and if it’s only one I want it to be great one.

My question is for both women who do/have experience it and for people who know how to edge their partners. Even better if you’re a women who can edge herself and other women cause then you can give both perspectives on what to do.

I’m looking for general advice as well as person stories of anyone who may have struggled with this and what they did/ how long until they saw results.

For context I’m single so it’s me and a glass dildo, Ben wa balls, and my hands, with lube of course.