r/SofterBDSM

Thanks to PickledTink for this idea.

This is our weekly check in!

Share a Rose, something good that happened in your dynamic or BDSM journey. Things you liked, a fun moment, something you enjoyed, something new you discovered

Share a Bud, something you're looking forward to in your current dynamic or future dynamic. This might be a goal, a plan, or something you\u2019re hoping to explore.

Share a Thorn, something that was difficult or challenging in your kink life. Something you didn't like, made you sad, or gave you stress.

Please be kind and supportive of your fellow community members.

My sub/wife and I recently marked our 8 year wedding anniversary. The weather was good last night, so we did an outdoor “exhibitionist” stripping scene on our deck to celebrate. (We didn’t expose anybody to our kinky play. Nobody can see or hear us on our deck.)

I had her dress up in a sexy outfit, then ordered her to strip for me by firelight to sultry music. After that, I blindfolded her and made her feel exposed while we played on the deck, before bringing her to our bed to finish with romantic anal. I showed her just how proud I am to be her husband and Dom, and wished my amazing wife a happy anniversary.

(More details in the comments)

I recently read something about the influence of sibling birth order on leadership qualities and preferred leadership styles. It got me wondering if birth order might have some influence on BDSM roles, with Doms more likely to be older siblings, and subs more likely to be younger siblings.

In my own dynamic, this is true: I’m the older sibling, and my sub is the younger sibling. But anecdotes are not data, and I’m not aware of any credible, statistically valid research that has been done on this topic. So I don’t think it’s possible to conclude that birth order definitely influences BDSM roles. And I have no idea where middle children or switches would fit. 😂

But just for fun: what is your BDSM role, and are you older or younger among your siblings?

My S is generally a strongly independent and picky yet sometimes needy person. On the former, she navigates us on our walks (sometimes stubbornly taking us the wrong way), picks the movie seats, usually sets the agenda (unless it's a date night I plan). And I don't really care because our interests align enough and, really, I'm generally down for whatever. Ive always kinda been a go w the flow person. On the latter, I love being able to take care of her (fill her water/ wine glass; order for both of us; hold doors [other things I generally find akin to being a gentleman]). She has also said how she loves how feminine she feels around me. I truly love taking care of and protecting my baby and making her feel special, so I don't mind the neediness at all..

But she also identifies as a brat who does not want a 24/7 dynamic. When we get to the bedroom, things are chill. I love dominating her ass and am learning what makes her fall apart (we’ve only been dating ab 6 months). But she wants me to assert my dominant energy more intermittently to get her more in the mood.

We sometimes text stuff about play, but in person, I'm struggling to figure out when to make something a play thing and when shes actually just tryna exist. Because, I’m p down to just roll w what she wants re everyday life, but am also very very down to put her in her place if it’s a play thing. Tbh I’d love a 24/7 dynamic for both the hotness and the clarity of knowing our roles bc the issue is identifying/ determining when it is a play thing.

In trying to find a balance, early on she suggested that I sometimes tell her to go fill up her own water when she asks so I know her vision taps into everyday life.. but, for those with naturally needy, picky, and independent partners, I'm wondering if finding a balance between real life and play is something yall had explicit conversations about, if yall just figured it out over time without talking ab it, or u developed the dynamic some other way...

Any thoughts would be appreciated!

I’m very big into pleasing, what are some of your favorite phrases to turn on your partner or what are some the sexiest things said to you? I want to understand the verbal aspect of being a pleasure dom

I've read how some subs have been surprised by the way their soft doms respond to their bratting, including one story where the sub didn't even realize she was being dom-ed because he was so nice (yet still effective apparently)...

My default is to be a more aggressive so I'd really love to hear what kinds of phrases you soft doms use to respond to bratting OR what phrases subs who brat hear.

I fully understand what works for one dynamic might not work for another, just soliciting inspiration on what I believe is a more niche ask. Would also happily take other suggestions on where to pull inspo from

My HusDom and I recently made our dynamic official after years of kinky play. It's been great overall, but there have also been some lessons learned -- as well as some fun surprises. Here are the highlights, from my perspective:

Lessons

• I can't stand my husband being "mean" (degrading, witholding) to me in any way, but calling me a slut is totally fine (great, actually!) for some reason 🤷‍♀️
• I mentioned this in the aftercare discussion earlier today, but I've learned that I really do need cuddling after scenes, even if it's delayed while my husband cools down from the exertion (he runs very hot!)

Surprise

• I can squirt! We weren't trying to achieve this, but it happened during intercourse toward the end of a really good scene. We were both really excited about it, and hope to achieve it again at some point

How about you? What did you learn in the early days of your dynamic? Did anything surprise you?

u/JustaGentleMouse made a nice post on this topic a few weeks ago. I found myself thinking about it because HusDom and I just experienced a need to reassess our current aftercare protocols, and I’d love to hear from others if this something that has happened (or continues to evolve) in your dynamic.

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We had a rope / Shibari scene this past weekend in which we also incorporated HuCow play with some mental sadism / humiliation for the first time. The scene was perfect. I had a lot fun being tied up, “milked” (and experienced an orgasm from nipple play for the first time??), and being ordered to “moo” (I found it super embarrassing, to my Dom’s delight). After I was commanded to make a particularly long and low-pitched bellow in exchange for one more orgasm, I collapsed in a satiated, but mortified heap.

HusDom swooped in to begin the usual cuddles that start our aftercare ritual, but my mind was reeling from having to do what I just did. I stopped him and said, “can you give me a minute alone?”I don’t think this was the right way to frame it at all, but my thoughts were in an angry subspace jumble and he kindly gave me the space I requested. I breathed deeply for a few counts, gave myself a light cleanup, and went over to him, offering to talk.

We proceeded to cuddle while we debriefed: I apologized for the way I framed my ask, and reassured him that I really, REALLY liked the scene. However, the final push of humiliation did something to my emotions that our normal aftercare wasn’t going to help with. We talked, and worked out a new system moving forward: I state (or he asks me) what aftercare I need following a scene. It’s largely two buckets, either straight to cozy and cuddles (our normal, with some variation depending on the kinks), or stating I need a few minutes alone first. I’m excited to have more accessible vocabulary for my needs in the moment, and just continue to feel immense gratitude for a partner willing to work together to solution the challenge.

Happy Sunday to all!

This is our weekly off topic chat thread. Here you can share non kinky things about your week, discuss your hobbies, talk about what shows or movies you're watching, life, whatever!

We just ask that you keep discussion civil and relatively low on the politics side of things.

Here we can get to know our community outside of just the kinky things we do.

Chatter on!

Content Warning: in this scene, we used the seven deadly sins of the Christian religious tradition as a framing device for our kinky play. As such, this post includes religiously taboo themes. Out of respect for devout kinksters, I have omitted some details and I am including this content warning.
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My sub/wife and I have our 8 year wedding anniversary on Tuesday. To celebrate, I took her out to a nice restaurant last night for a discreetly kinky dinner date, then we did a scene based on the seven deadly sins (envy, gluttony, greed, lust, wrath, pride, and sloth) when we got home.

While getting ready, we both inserted matching plugs and put on matching “I ❤️ Anal” panties. Over that, I wore gray slacks, a white shirt, and a black blazer. She wore her circle of diamonds day collar, a little black dress with O rings at the neck, her blowjob glasses, and ankle strap fuck heels showing off her pedicured white toes. She looked very classy and sexy, and I told her so. From the outside, we looked like a normal vanilla couple, but we were really hiding a shared kinky secret. Just like our marriage overall. 😀

I dropped her off in front of the restaurant and picked her up on the way home. She was willing to walk to where I parked the car, but I told her “you’re plugged and wearing impractical heels. My anal queen doesn’t walk anywhere, you get chauffeured”, and she relented.

We had a lovely time at dinner, and got ice cream after. We both enjoyed the thrill of knowing we were being secretly kinky together while looking outwardly normal. Each time we were in our car, I ordered her to play with my pussy using a wand vibe, and she got herself very wet and horny by the time we got home.

(Continued in the comments)

While we all know that anything we wear can set our partners into a frenzy (as it should be! 😉), what’s that one thing (or maybe collection of things) you put on that instantly set the mood for kinky sexy fun times?

(You can also answer with something your partner, whether sub or Dom(me), wears that gets you going.)

I’ll start: part of the reason I posted this is that the combo of a miniskirt, pigtails, thigh-high socks, crop top, and glasses makes my HusDom drop everything and get super Dommy with me. I have tested this multiple times with great success (but I should add that it doesn’t take much for him to decide that I need to be ravished, regardless of what I am or am not wearing lol); this specific outfit does seem to be a cheat code to getting him to go Super Dom, lol, versus just horny.

Thanks to PickledTink for this idea.

This is our weekly check in!

Share a Rose, something good that happened in your dynamic or BDSM journey. Things you liked, a fun moment, something you enjoyed, something new you discovered

Share a Bud, something you're looking forward to in your current dynamic or future dynamic. This might be a goal, a plan, or something you\u2019re hoping to explore.

Share a Thorn, something that was difficult or challenging in your kink life. Something you didn't like, made you sad, or gave you stress.

Please be kind and supportive of your fellow community members.

Sometimes an awesome aftercare snack hits the spot and caps off a great kink experience just right.

I do all the cooking in our house because I enjoy it as a hobby. After scenes, my sub/wife is allowed to request pretty much whatever she wants from Daddy’s kitchen. This means she often gets unusual and/or elaborate aftercare snacks.

On various occasions, I’ve made her: garlic bread, grilled cheese, waffles, loaded nachos, fried green tomatoes with hot honey mayo, pupusas, masala dosa, and once even a Tortilla Espanola with garlic aioli.

Despite this, she still often wants ice cream over anything else. Go figure. 😂

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What’s the best aftercare snack you’ve ever had? Or what’s your go to choice for an aftercare snack?

I got a nasty gram today from my company HR, saying that I was overdue on taking an online training. The subject is not at all relevant to my job and the training itself was incredibly boring and easy (just watching videos and taking a quiz), but we need everybody to do it yearly to stay compliant. If it must be done, fine.

But I decided to make it more fun by enlisting my sub/wife’s help. I covered my camera and put a pillow on the floor under my desk. I waited until she was done with her last meeting of the day, then called her into my home office and handed over her blowjob glasses.

I ordered her to suck Daddy’s cock while I took the training, and she obediently got on her knees under my desk. I recently had her get a manicure for our upcoming wedding anniversary, and her white nails looked very pretty contrasted against my shaft. I told her that even the most boring work tasks are fun when you have an eager cumslut under your desk, and she giggled.

I didn’t want to take up too much of her time, so after enjoying the blowjob for a few minutes, I told her she could finish me. She proudly showed me the cum in her mouth, then looked in my eyes as she swallowed, licked her lips, and said “thank you Daddy”. I praised her for being a good girl and sent her back to work.

(I passed the training.) 😀

I love having a journal specifically for my sexual / BDSM journey. I don’t write in it every day, but I try to at least once a week. I have some vague categories that keep me focused and motivated to use writing to explore the kinkier side of myself.

Right now my journal categories are:

1. Fantasies
2. Experiences and/or reflections
3. Self-love
4. Prompts

My hus/dom and I currently read a book together and check in about it (and other things) every week. I use the journal to jot down my thoughts and that is mostly what I’ve been writing for the prompt category.

I’d love some new prompt ideas if anyone has any…. One of my first entries was to think about the prompt: What would I like to learn about my sexual self?

Anyway, I would love to hear if anyone has a journaling practice related to their kinky lifestyle!

My husband/Dom and I have always just had the TV on in the background during a scene. The kids were little, the house was small, we'd just turn it up and get down to business. But the kids are older and gone more often now. We can actually be loud and aren't stuck to just one room. We've still got the TV on in the background through. I absolutely need something in the background so I've looked at playlists but I'm not finding much that matches our vibe. There's a lot of R&B and sweet love songs or dance music with a heavy beat-none of which we really care for. I've tried tantric and erotic low-fi and while that works nicely for a massage or spa role play, it's a bit sleepy and slow for anything more energetic. Any suggestions on quality background noise or tips on setting general ambiance?

I'm new to BDSM but ever since me and my wifes libido exploded I've gone over board with my sexual desires with her.

Any advice on what to try first?

I'm very dominant in bed and told her I want to tie her hands up and make her desperate.

Got a question but don't feel like creating a whole post? Wanting clarification on something you saw here in the last week? Or perhaps you just have a suggestion for the subbreddit? Here's your opportunity!

Leave your questions in the comments below.

Last night, my sub/wife and I did a James Bond roleplay scene. After longer than usual warmup orgasms, we pretended to be enemy spies trying to trap each other at Casino Royale. We dressed up fancy, drank vodka martinis, and traded flirtatious banter as we played poker. I teased and distracted her with a remote vibe, and we played until she lost, with her submission as the “stakes” on the final hand.

I brought her to our room and collared her, then blindfolded her and restrained her to our bed. I “revealed” that I knew she was a spy, and pleasure tortured her with forced orgasms while interrogating her. After lying several times (and getting funished for it), she eventually gave up the information I wanted. I released her, and we finished with intense anal sex. Super hot scene.

(More details in the comments)

We have reached the point where we get enough new people every week to warrant a weekly introductions post.

So if you're new, a lurker who has never comments, or just want to say hi, come on in and introduce yourselves.

What is your role, what is your partners'?

What kind of dom, sub, or general kinkster are you?

What kind of dynamic do you have, if you have one? (Bedroom only, tpe, please, etc..)

What are your favorite kinks?

How long have you been doing BDSM?

How did you find our subreddit?

Reminder that we are not a personals or dating sub.