u/SpicyLimerence

May your air conditioner go no lower than 79 this summer. 🕷️🕸️

I've seen so many subs out here "selling" their Dommes recently.

What is that about?! Are you guys actually using your subs to recruit for you?

If you're just out singing your Domme's praises then cool, I actually *love* seeing people out and about, happy in their dynamics. But I've seen more than a couple people out saying they're looking for other subs for their (insert Honorific here).

Why, though? Is it lack of options? Is the Domme just willing to take on anyone that comes to her?

Help me understand, because my gast is flabbered 🕷️🕸️

There's a whole lot of "That guy didn't send, he isn't a true submissive" going on in the subs.

Initial tribute isn't submission. It's opening the door to see if you're compatible. Sometimes you discover a match in simple conversation, with no intention of engaging in any power dynamic at all; you both just fall into it naturally. Those are actually the best!

Under what circumstances do you consider someone a submissive, and under what circumstances do you consider them YOUR submissive? Because it seems there is some entitlement going around. Just because someone sends to you once or twice does not mean they're "yours". There has to be a conversation about it, an agreement made between the two of you to be exclusive. A sub does not owe you fealty *if you haven't had the conversation*!

COMMUNICATE!

Also remember that either of you has the right to pull out at any time for any reason. If your submissive does this, it is your responsibility to conduct yourself like a grown-up and not whine about it. There are other submissives. Put on your big girl panties (boxers, whatever) and move on. Once it's over, stop giving it energy.

What, exactly, does submission mean to you? Is it sending? Is the mere act of sending money considered submission now? What "dominant" actions are you taking to earn that submission? 🕷️🕸️

I'm seeing "everyone is a scammer" more and more recently from both sides of the slash. This sucks all around.

This is a reminder that it is *your* responsibility to vet your potential partner. Whether Domme or sub, you should be asking questions. Lots of them. Openly. I suspect (although I can't say for sure) the mismatches are coming from lack of ability to communicate well.

If you aren't *CLEARLY* communicating your expectations from one other, then stop complaining. In a world where your primary means of communication is typically via keyboard, it is IMPERATIVE you learn to clearly outline what you want from one another.

For both sides of the slash: what does your vetting process look like? 🕷️🕸️

It's Friday and you know that money should be in MY account. I'm tired of the time waisters soooo...

In search of a REAL sub, I am auctioning off my dominance. This is a chance to worship your new Geodess.

I'm a princess waiting to be spoiled. I'm also a hard Domme, and I will trick you. But then I'll be nurturing. I'm also manipulative. And I'm a Mommy Domme.

(Am I doing this right?)

I can be anything you want me to be if you win this auction! I really need a serious pig because my pet tortoise needed emergency surgery after I dropped the fire extinguisher on him while I was putting out the fire in my kitchen.

I only accept payment on whichever app you definitely don't have access to in whatever country you're in.

Bidding starts at $3 USD! 🕷️🕸️

I'm terrible at SPH. I just can't do it. Literally the *only* thing I can think of is when I try is "why am I looking at this angry inch?" I don't understand how anyone can be creative with it. It's not something I'm interested in doing myself, but I'm curious as to what you Dommes do to keep it interesting. Do you make him hold it next to a meter stick? Smush it into itself and call it a bellybutton? Make him put googly eyes on top of it and take a picture upside down so his dong is the nose on a face?

Like, how many times can you send the shrimp emoji and the 🤏before you get bored? 🕷️🕸️

Poking around the intricacies of the mind - including my own - is endlessly fascinating. A lot of my personal kinks can definitely be traced back to trauma, but some developed once I really got past the shame of having them and finally embraced what I am. That took tens of thousands of dollars in therapy, years of self-reflection, and radical acceptance. Worth every penny, every excruciating moment of growth and every tear I shed.

How did you learn to accept what you like? Or are you still working on it? 🕷️🕸️

Who has more responsibility: the Domme or the sub?

It's a divisive subject.

There is an uneven dispersion of power in a kink dynamic, and it is deliberately set.

Dommes say they aren't responsible for the submissive's actions because submissives have agency and can set their limits. There is a streak of truth in that. It is the responsibility of \*both\* parties to have an open, transparent conversation about boundaries, expectations, safe words and previous experience before engaging in play.

ONCE THAT IS COMPLETE, power is transferred to the Dominant. That's what power exchange \*IS\*. At that point, IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to remain within those boundaries. Yes, the sub has a safe word. Yes, it should be respected at all times.

But a good Domme's job is to monitor the submissive carefully. It is your job to play within green, and inch them into yellow. An experienced Domme's goal is never to push all the way to red - it is to walk a fine line to get them to a high enough level of uncomfortability to allow growth, but not so much so that they call red. If you see them approaching limit (\*which you should know based on your negotiations\*) it is your responsibility to stop the play. Period. Remember \*anyone\* can stop \*any\* time for \*any\* reason.

Why are basic BDSM rules suddenly thrown out the window because money is involved?!?

If you were playing in person, you would NEVER restrain someone, do some impact play, get them into subspace, then leave them to come down and try to extricate themselves from your binding - even if they never called red. Some submissives go nonverbal in subspace. IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO MONITOR IT. You, too, are capable of calling red. That's not weakness. Pushing past boundaries doesn't prove you're a bad ass; it proves you are either new or don't know what the hell you're doing.

Stopping at an appropriate point takes knowledge, experience and control - the control everybody wants but nobody is willing to claim when they break someone irreparably. Broken subs don't play anymore.

You can't accept power from a submissive and default to, "It's not my fault," when things go downhill. Either you have control or you don't. And if you don't, you have no business calling yourself a Dominant. 🕷️🕸️

Who has more responsibility: the Domme or the sub?

It's a divisive subject.

There is an uneven dispersion of power in a kink dynamic, and it is deliberately set.

Dommes say they aren't responsible for the submissive's actions because submissives have agency and can set their limits. There is a streak of truth in that. It is the responsibility of *both* parties to have an open, transparent conversation about boundaries, expectations, safe words and previous experience before engaging in play.

ONCE THAT IS COMPLETE, power is transferred to the Dominant. That's what power exchange *IS*. At that point, IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to remain within those boundaries. Yes, the sub has a safe word. Yes, it should be respected at all times.

But a good Domme's job is to monitor the submissive carefully. It is your job to play within green, and inch them into yellow. An experienced Domme's goal is never to push all the way to red - it is to walk a fine line to get them to a high enough level of uncomfortability to allow growth, but not so much so that they call red. If you see them approaching limit (*which you should know based on your negotiations*) it is your responsibility to stop the play. Period. Remember *anyone* can stop *any* time for *any* reason.

Why are basic BDSM rules suddenly thrown out the window because money is involved?!?

If you were playing in person, you would NEVER restrain someone, do some impact play, get them into subspace, then leave them to come down and try to extricate themselves from your binding - even if they never called red. Some submissives go nonverbal in subspace. IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO MONITOR IT. You, too, are capable of calling red. That's not weakness. Pushing past boundaries doesn't prove you're a bad ass; it proves you are either new or don't know what the hell you're doing.

Stopping at an appropriate point takes knowledge, experience and control - the control everybody wants but nobody is willing to claim when they break someone irreparably. Broken subs don't play anymore.

You can't accept power from a submissive and default to, "It's not my fault," when things go downhill. Either you have control or you don't. And if you don't, you have no business calling yourself a Dominant. 🕷️🕸️

Let me preface this by saying: I understand and acknowledge meeting in person is not for everyone. I am confident in my ability to take care of myself in physical confrontation - I am always cautious, never stupid. *Use your own risk profile!*

I love traveling. Actually, I hate traveling. But I love *arriving* 😜 I've had a couple subs who have some distant pipe dreams of meeting in person "some day". With time and a solidly established dynamic, we move towards TPE.

When I take charge of his bank accounts, if he's shown interest in meeting (and if I'm interested in meeting *him*, obviously), I establish another account. That is the travel account. Each pay check, I place a certain amount of money in there. Sometimes his punishments involve paying to that account; sometimes he is *rewarded* by the same.

I research and determine how much it will require for me to travel comfortably - flight, hotel, car rental. Then we decide on an actual date. *THIS IS IMPORTANT!* Without a way to quantify the progress, it's just a dream and a chunk of money. With a date and hard number defined, it gives us a mutual goal to work towards.

And it allows *me* to travel at the level of comfort I want without spending anything.

How do you like manage to your sub's money? What are some fun things you do with it, besides shopping? 🕷️🕸️

Full disclosure: I take Ambien periodically so I can actually get a decent night's rest. If I do not put down my phone within about 15 minutes of taking it, my mind goes into sleep mode but my body keeps going like someone is still driving. I wake up in the morning and find some REALLY random things I've done. Sometimes I am my own secret santa and things show up in the mail that I don't remember ordering. The only reason I know I ordered it is because my checking account says so.

Today I got a silent send and went to go poke around my wish lists to see if there was anything I wanted to add or things to take off because I didn't want them anymore.

I found a cash item on my youpay I apparently created for "wheel." That's it. Just "wheel." It was $75. 😂😂

I have no need for a wheel. Nothing in my house or garage is missing a wheel. There are no wheels that need to be replaced. No scooters, bikes, cars, computer mice...nothing. I have no idea why I felt like I needed a wheel that night, let alone why I put it on my wish list and priced it at $75. I don't know how long it's been on there because I don't really check the sites except maybe once a week or so. Now I'm going through my throne and youpay to see if there are any other random things "Ambien Limerence" may have added without my permission.

Anyone else do this kind of stuff?!?! 😂 Happy Friday! 🕷️🕸️

May you always feel like you have to sneeze but never be able to do it. 🕷️🕸️

Actually, a lot of the genuine submissives *do* understand it. The problem is *you* don’t understand the ‘DOM’ in findom.

Financial. Domination. Yes, the money is the kink.  No, you don’t get to ignore that second word just because someone gets off on sending money and so do you. Sitting back and doing nothing isn't dominating.

They’ll understand “financial” when you understand “domination”.

You aren’t getting paid to exist. There’s a term for that; it’s called sugaring. You want to be a sugar baby, not a findomme. To be successful in ANY kind of domination, you actually need to dominate. That doesn’t mean being an asshole. It means leading the submissive into thoughts, actions and entire *realms* they hadn’t thought of.  Sometimes it means exerting control over ones who *HAVE* thought of certain things; things they enjoy but would never do under their own power. That is why they hand their power over to you.

If you aren’t the dominating type, that’s OK! There’s no shame in it. Just understand findom may not be the right place for you.

In my opinion, it’s perfectly fine to be in both sugaring and domination. After all, switches exist. But you can’t be domineering and call it domination. You can’t be an asshole and call yourself a Dominant.

I always love having new people around, and I welcome those of you who are genuinely here to dominate. Even if you aren’t *quite* experienced enough to get it right every time (no one is!), I invite you to do some reading on the pillars of BDSM and familiarize yourself with the basic foundation of what this world is about. 🕷️🕸️

Then I don't want you. I don't want a submissive who fills out a form. I don't want check boxes and essays.

I want to talk to you. Because on paper, anything can look good. 🕷️🕸️

Every single time there are questions for submissives, the entire post is flooded with Domme's opinions.

For me, being a Dominant means that I lead. But I *also* have to exercise restraint sometimes to make space for my submissives to be heard.

Are the Dominants in here capable of hearing answers without speaking over them? I'm going to ask a question of the subs. Responding to any submissive's answer is OK, but starting one isn't allowed. Can you control yourself, or do you absolutely need to have a say in everything, even if it's not pertinent to you?

Submissives: nature or nurture? Have you always shown financially submissive tendencies or were you trained to enjoy the experience? 🕷️🕸️

Stop. Just stop. Some of us want one, maybe two drinks and to be on our way. Make the office coffee run later. The drive-thru is supposed to be quick.

May your tongue always feel like there is one hair on it. 🕷️🕸️

Domination is an art.

Domination is a talent.

Domination is a *SKILL*.

The first two, you either possess or you don't. The third, however, you can learn. It comes with research, experience and - if you're fortunate - a good mentor.

Charging a sub $50 to talk when your idea of domination is just being a bitch is madness. There seems to be a misunderstanding around here that higher tribute makes you higher value.

You are out of your damn minds.

Some of the more seasoned Dommes here have a $20 tribute to vet and they have YEARS of experience under their belts. Hell, I know one Domme who charges a picture of your pet to open a conversation! That's because their vetting skills are well-honed and they can tell within about 15 minutes whether you'll be a match.

Charging $100 to chat when your domination skills consist of "send again," "double it," "pay me, piggy," flipping the bird, and "you're a loser 🍤" is delusional.

Delulu is not the solulu 🕷️🕸️

Note: bring on the down votes. If you're pressed about what I'm saying, maybe you need to reflect on why.