Thoughts on my first sex club experience with my wife
Last night, my wife (F mid30s, straight) and I (M late 30s, bi) attended our first sex club, and I figured it would be good to discuss with the wider community, because I’m interested in opinions and maybe there’s others with questions. Not that it matters, but we’re both decent looking (obviously I think she’s gorgeous) and in good shape (of course could be better, but let’s be real; we aren’t in our 20s anymore and we have a couple of kids).
We went to the Boudoir event run by Virtue&Vice. For those unfamiliar, it’s a female-led event that doesn’t allow any masc presenting people unless they’re there with a femme presenting person (maximum 2 masc to 1 femme with a trio ticket, and if the femme leaves then all mascs with them have to leave too). There’s a big focus on safety, consent (there are Consent Angels walking around to put a stop to uncomfortable behaviour), and just general not-being-a-dickishness. There’s a bar, but you’re warned not to get sloppy and retain control, and you can have your phones but can’t pull them out except in dedicated areas. No photos unless everyone is consenting and you’re in front of a dedicated blank wall.
We had gone in with three main hopes:
- To see if we had the courage to play in public. That’s a real turn on for me but my wife is very hesitant on it.
- To see if there was someone willing to spank me, as it’s something I want to try and not something my wife is into.
- To find a guy that would be willing to be my first. I only came out to myself after we were engaged. She’s been so supportive of everything and is happy for me to experience being with a guy, and we thought maybe this would be a good way to try.
Importantly here, before I start laying out my thoughts, I want to be really clear that nothing I say is meant as kink shaming or shaming in general. To each their own, and as long as there was consent, then awesome for everyone involved.
Now, on to our thoughts on the matter, and I hope the formatting works when I’m doing this on the mobile app.
The good:
- we had a great time. The staff were welcoming and helpful, the Consent Angels were a nice touch, and it was warm and comfortable considering we were just in underwear on a freezing Melbourne night.
- we were brave enough on our first try at this to end up playing twice; once for a handjob on a couch and once to actually fuck in the play space in the main room. That was a surreal experience, sharing a bed with another couple also fucking and someone behind us having a heated discussion.
- there was a good mix of people there in regards to gender, background, kinks, and sexuality, and everyone we interacted with was polite and kind.
- personal one for me, but there was a surprising amount of paw print paraphernalia, ears, tails, and even a full pup mask. The theme was mysticism, so a lot was just that, but some definite pet/puppy play stuff. As someone who has been into that for a few years, it was a pleasant surprise to find it out in the open as much as I did.
- even though we didn’t meet all our goals, it was nice to also go back to the hotel afterwords and have my wife peg me hard, and then do it again this morning in the shower. We’ve never done that outside of home before, never in the morning, never in the shower, and never twice in 8 hours, so that was a bit of a bonus “exceeds expectations” goal that was checked.
The bad:
- Consent Angels only go so far, and there was a couple of times when there was a guy getting a bit too close to a couple trying to play, being told to back off, and saying no. I think they were all sorted out in the end, but still not great to see.
- you’re supposed to dress down, but there was a high number of men just in street clothes, it seemed. One of the above creepy guys was in a tshirt and jeans. A few others were in full suits. Not on theme and not dressed down, so I’m not sure what the point of the rule is if you don’t enforce it. They even stop everyone at the door that’s in street clothes and tell you to dress down first.
- not shaming here, but there was a shockingly high amount of coke and pills use. I feel like we’re too naive here, because we don’t partake and neither do any of our friends, so it was just surprising. Like I said about the bar, you’re supposed to remain in control and not get sloppy (consent needs full mental faculties, after all), but there was at least one person we saw who was completely out of it on something, looking like they were about to collapse, and a few others who looked twitchy and ready to snap. It was hard to not feel a little on edge when near those people.
- again, not shaming, and as long as there was established consent then awesome, but… I wasn’t expecting the sheer number of male dom relationships there. I’m all for it, I’m into it, we play around in that scene a lot (and the opposite), but some of them left me feeling a little uncomfortable personally, because of all the choking. Again, do your thing and I’m also into breath play, but something about the way it was done made the whole thing feel aggressive and more about needing to TAKE power than have power freely given, if that makes sense. We would be on the dance floor, and then suddenly the guy dancing next to us would have his hand around his partner’s throat, squeezing while she gasped. It came out of nowhere, it felt aggressive, and a few times I forgot where I was and nearly stepped in to help her. And this happened multiple times with multiple couples. So I hope it was all consensual and she was into it each time, and had agreed in advance that it could be done like that. And I hope there’s a real relationship underneath the act.
The disappointing:
- it was amazing that we met one of our goals on the first try, but I had my expectations too high. It was disappointing to not hit the others. I had hoped to be with a guy before I turned 40 but it looks like that won’t happen.
- regarding the spanking, there was a woman that seemed to be working there and was dedicated to walking around with a bag of instruments, spanking willing women. I wish I had the courage to ask if she would spank me too. Maybe she only did women, maybe there was a prearranged thing, I don’t know. It just felt like asking would have cost nothing and been such an easy box to check, but I didn’t do it. My biggest regrets will always be the things I didn’t try.
- as for finding a guy to fuck me while my wife watched (and maybe joined in)…it was a bit of a blow to my ego. On the one hand, super proud of myself for making a move and asking someone if they would want to play (first time asking a guy, first time asking anyone besides my wife in 14 years), and they were very sweet in their rejection, but it stung a bit. Of all the masc presenting people I was attracted to, it was hard to tell if any of them were even into other guys, so I didn’t work up the nerve to ask them. It’s also worth noting, though, that we saw NO obvious masc on masc action, but a lot of femme on femme.
- additionally, nobody ever approached us at all about any kind of play, which was kind of an ego drop. We were both looking and feeling quite good, and we didn’t NEED that validation, but it would have been nice. But that feels like I’m complaining about nothing.
Final thoughts:
- would we go back? Probably not. We had fun, but it felt like we checked a box and it doesn’t need to be something we do on the regular. Especially given the difficulty of organising babysitting, getting a hotel, etc.
- in saying that, if they ever ran a queer one that would make it easier to find that right guy, we would go to that.
Anyway, if you got this far, thank you for taking the time to read these pointless ramblings.