[FFF] Political figures often have to keep their kinks and sexual escapades deep, deep with the other skeletons in their closet, and deny, deny, deny. But we know they're the dirtiest kind. Today I wanted to shine the light on some high-stakes US politicians, including...
Alrighty, it’s time for some Founding Father gossip. Did you know Benjamin Franklin, the kite guy, once wrote a letter called “Advice to a Young Man on the Choice of a Mistress”? He titled this word vomit of lifehacks “Old Mistresses Apologue.”, and as far as I’m concerned, this is his greatest work. (Ten points to Franklin for creativity.)
Just hold onto your petticoats, because it gets better than getting dating advice from the founding father. Franklin kicks things off by channeling my grandma: “You should really get married, dear. It’s the proper Remedy.” And right after adds “If you absolutely must be scandalous, at least go for older women.” This is not a drill, here are his major reasons for going after that silver fox punani:
*Older women have more worldly knowledge, so their conversation is more interesting.
*As beauty fades, he claims they compensate by becoming more kind and attentive.
*Nature’s birth control.
*They’re better at keeping secrets.
*Unhinged pseudo-science time: according to Benny GILF Lover, the top of the body ages faster, so the bottom of the body will still be young and supple.
* He brings up a point, that if you ARE going to be a manwhore, there’s less moral harm than seducing a young unmarried woman.
He then ends by basically saying: Anyway, despite this entire essay I just wrote about sleeping with older women, seriously, get married.
You can read the full thing on the National Archives if you want to see Franklin’s actual words (warning: some 18th-century spice ahead): Benjamin Franklin’s “Old Mistresses Apologue,” June 25, 1745
Honorable perverts mention:
Warren G Harding - 29th US president
If we’re handing out medals for presidential horndoggery, Harding is the undisputed champion. The man wrote steamy, borderline-NSFW letters to his mistress Carrie Fulton Phillips for FIFTEEN YEARS, inventing an entire X-rated vocabulary to spice things up: his penis was “Jerry,” her anatomy was “Mrs. Pouterson,” and together they became “the Poutersons” (I genuinely can’t make this up lol). Harding would compose letters as if Jerry was a third wheel with opinions, drop erotic poetry like he was doing findom on the side, and even refer to the legendary “Mount Jerry,” which is both hilarious and deeply concerning. And because you can’t have just one scandal, enter Nan Britton: she claimed she and Harding did the deed in a White House coat closet, conceived a child, and—plot twist—DNA testing confirmed the kid, though sadly, there’s no scientific test for which piece of furniture was involved. Absolute chaos. 10/10, no notes.
John F Kennedy - 35th US President
JFK’s affair resume is already infamous, but the wildest entry comes courtesy of former White House intern Mimi Alford, who claims she kicked off an 18-month affair with him when she was just 19. According to her, things got especially spicy at the White House pool, where JFK dared her to go down on his aide Dave Powers while he watched. She went with it, but later he (allegedly) floated the same idea with his brother Ted (NOT HOT - she said no). On top of this, she described Kennedy passing around poppers like it was party confetti. Massive disclaimer here: these things i found are mostly from Alford’s account, and she describes a lot of it as coercive and humiliating, so this is less “sexy kink legend” and more “wow, this guy had Olympic-level risk tolerance and boundary issues.”
Lyndon B Johnson - 36th US president
This guy is relateable to me on the kink olympics, and at the same might be the biggest creep here. According to a bunch of whitnesses and his biographer Robert Caro, the man was unreasonably proud of his dick. He called it “Jumbo,” and made absolutely sure everyone in Washington knew it. We’re talking about flash-mobbing his male colleagues with it and peeing in front of staff like it was a power move. The dude skinny-dipped, ignored bathroom doors, and saw privacy as a sign of weakness. Was this erotic exhibitionism or just the brain-rot confidence of a man who felt the rules did not apply to him? The world may never know, but either way: chaotic.
Well, I am even more disappointed in US Presidents lol.
Do you have any fun kinky facts about political figures, or ideas for next Fridays post? Share below!